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Original poster

My 14 year old son sexting another boy

38 replies

fairycakes1234 · 18/08/2021 12:35

I found out yesterday my son was texting some boy in America (is it a boy, i honestly dont know), it started off okay then quickly led up literally 100s of texts, and all basically describing what they would do to one another, i am devastated, it was horrible and very graphic, I asked him was he gay, (hes never had girlfriend but then none of his friends either) I said i didnt mind but i did mind him doing all this graphic texting, i said how does he even know who this boy is or if it a boy, was thinking maybe its omeone grooming him. He said he isnt gay and it was all a joke. Hes obviously very embarrassed. I dont know how to handle all of this, can anyone give me advice. I have his phone, he was on a app called discord? I cant make head nor tail of it. I have no experience of any of this so hope people can help or reassure me. Im sad about all of this, im sad he couldnt tell me he is gay and i hvae to find out this way, im sad that when i was thinking he was on his phone talking and texting his friends, he was actually constantly onto this person sexing. Thanks

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 18/08/2021 12:45

OK. Discord itself isn't a bad ting, I am on it for a few topics to do with work etc.

But what your DS is doing is dangerous, to himself, and possibly to an other child. Neither you nor he have any way of finding out!

Put being gay to the back of your mind for now.

You DS needs to appreciate that some of what he is doing now could be illegal and, if traced back to him, could cause him a lot of trouble, if the other person is a kid, younger or vulnerable.

But that is unlikely. Do you know how he found this specific Discord space? Discord is by specific invitation only, so he has to have contacted or been contacted elsewhere and been invited into a Discord group. That would alarm me, if I were his mum. Who found him and invited him? What did he say/do that made him seem the right kid to invite for such a conversation?

In all likelihood he has been groomed and is sexting an older man - who could be anywhere.

Contact Deal With It and get some help for both of you!

www.internetmatters.org/issues/online-grooming/deal-with-it/

www.teenagehelpline.org.uk/online-grooming/

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 18/08/2021 12:45

Delete all apps apart from the ones you can monitor. Change his password so he can't add them back. Minimise phone access time; make him stay in the living room when he uses it for example. Sexting isn't great at that age but not the end of the world as long as no images are shared, but he doesn't know who he was talking to so is likely being groomed by some random adult, so he can't have free access to the internet until he's shown you he can handle it maturely.

gannett · 18/08/2021 12:51

Focus on his safety, not his sexuality.

Sexual experimentation at his age is normal and natural whether he's gay, "joking" but not joking or straight and actually joking. That doesn't matter and he might not have figured it out himself yet, so this isn't about whether he feels able to come out to you. Put the graphic nature of the messages out of your mind.

Staying safe online is much more important. Ensure he doesn't send pictures of himself. Explain calmly the risk that this other boy might be an adult male. Explain calmly the risks of blackmail. Do NOT go over the top with any of this as he will just continue to do it but more secretively.

Tell him you have no problems if he is gay.

ikeepseeingit · 18/08/2021 13:02

Discord is much like Skype. It’s used a lot in gaming circles so I imagine your son has found this person from there. It might be that your son has actually seen his face as video call can be done, but I would be very concerned he’s been groomed by an older man or woman. Whether he is gay or not is kind of irrelevant. Sexting at such a young age is dangerous. Did he send any photos? If it was text only then it’s probably not illegal but I would research that. Either way it’s inappropriate and scary for you to find out. I’m not sure this is really something you can punish him for, but putting in place clearer boundaries around phones and gaming is needed.

Original poster
fairycakes1234 · 18/08/2021 13:08

my son sent a picture of himself, well his face, the other person had hoddie up and sunglasses, some of it was innocent asking about schools, and my son sent pic of our dog, and he sent a pic of his cati dont know if he is a child or not, he hasnt spoke to him, only texting, the boy said hes 13.

OP posts:
Velcropaws · 18/08/2021 13:14

Agree with others that his sexuality is beside the point. There is time for him to explore that, but he needs to do it safely.

What he has been doing is a massive safeguarding risk. Your ds may appear to be more mature than you thought but he is still a child and needs protecting. He is at risk from older predatory men and it is possible he is being groomed by a pedophile. Has he sent images to this person?

Can you seek support with this from his dad, an uncle, the person in charge of safe-guarding at his school or sports club?

Have a look at the advice on the NSPCC and CEOPs website and get him to watch the documentary (which I think is still on BBC iPlayer) about Bret Bednar.

Fwiw, we have a rule at home that our teens are only allowed to interact socially and on-line with people they know in RL. This rule came about after we discovered our daughter had been contacted by an older man in E.Europe while she was playing an on-line video game which allowed players to chat to one another. I was in the same room as her when this happened so thankfully we found out about it before she was put at risk and our work tech person was able to sort it. And my DD was not allowed to play games like that until we thought she was mature enough to fully understand the risks. She had already been told about them, over and over again, but at 13 and 14 years their knowledge of the world is just not broad enough to make sound judgements. And pedophiles are very practised and clever at luring children in.

Take care op Flowers. You have had a massive shock. Try and confide in someone and get some support for yourself, and arm yourself with lots of information, before you tackle this with your DS.

chalamet · 18/08/2021 13:20

Whether it’s a boy or a girl isn’t important, the issue is that he actually has no idea who this person is and if they have shared images of each other (or he has, if the other person isn’t actually 14…) then it crosses a legal line. That’s what I would focus on in your conversations with him.

2bazookas · 18/08/2021 13:20

You take away his message-system phone/tablet for one month.
If, or when, he gets it back, it's with parental supervision so he can't do this again.

Velcropaws · 18/08/2021 13:27

Yes, meant to say, you need to stop this interaction immediately by disabling his tech while gathering information. Get him a non-smart phone if you need to know where he is. Keep an eye on things, if he is being groomed, he may find it hard to break contact. I would perhaps consider taking him away on an active holiday for a week or long weekend if at all possible and ban any tech while you are there.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 18/08/2021 13:31

@fairycakes1234

my son sent a picture of himself, well his face, the other person had hoddie up and sunglasses, some of it was innocent asking about schools, and my son sent pic of our dog, and he sent a pic of his cati dont know if he is a child or not, he hasnt spoke to him, only texting, the boy said hes 13.
Listen carefully and don't let your parent / denial / fearful filter interfere, it isn't pleasant but

Your son is being groomed

Your son has very limited grasp of the danger he has put himself in

YOU MUST contact any of the offical helplines and get your son some help, get yourslf some support in stopping this

www.ceop.police.uk/Safety-Centre/

www.internetmatters.org/issues/online-grooming/deal-with-it/

www.teenagehelpline.org.uk/online-grooming/

Get off Mumsnet and onto any of those, get the ball rolling.

Velcropaws · 18/08/2021 13:38

some of it was innocent asking about schools

You know op that this might not be innocent at all. Has your ds given him his name and address? Is your DS identifiable from the school website?

Velcropaws · 18/08/2021 13:42

And agree that you need to calm yourself before you speak to your DS and listen. One tactic of groomers is that they threaten to expose the content of their exchanges with their victims, to their parents. So if you are unshockable, it will help your son disclose everything that has happened.

lanthanum · 18/08/2021 13:43

Too many alarm bells here. Asking about schools isn't innocent if your son has given identifying information, pictures are a no, graphic content is a no. You do need to take drastic action.

You may need to make it clear to your son that they gay aspect is not the problem - it's the explicit stuff with someone he knows nothing about. He must have been warned about grooming at school; see if you can get him to think about evidence for and against this being a groomer.

TooMuchPaper · 18/08/2021 13:46

some of it was innocent asking about schools

This is not innocent. This person is trying to find out where your child goes to school/lives. What did your son say in reply?

Mybestgirl · 18/08/2021 13:50

Clearly this ‘boy’ is disguising himself. Hope you get to the bottom of it OP

toocold54 · 18/08/2021 13:59

As PPs have said forget the fact that he could be gay.

Sex chat is quite common at that age so there’s a big possibility that the other person is a similar age but obviously they may not be!

I like to watch the show ‘catfish’ as it’s all about meeting people on the internet and quite often they’re not who they say they are. I get my DD to watch it too so hopefully she realises how clever some of these people are.

The rules your son needs to abide by are to never send pics or videos of himself (these can be spread around the internet very quickly even if it’s not a pervert he’s talking to) and to never give out personal details.

Looubylou · 18/08/2021 14:50

Did your son not think it was strange that the other person wore hood and sunglasses? That in itself shows his vulnerability. Please contact the police for advice, and state you have fears he is being groomed online. If it is a paedophile/groomer, it's highly unlikely your son is the only victim. Even if its a child, there's no guarantee that their motives are innocent. I wouldn't tell him about contacting police initially, he may panic and alert the other person. The websites PP advised look like good sources of advice. Make it clear you are concerned for his and other children's welfare rather than annoyed at him in anyway. I would leave sexuality out of the conversation as safety is the concern💐

secular39 · 18/08/2021 14:53

Please diminish all contact with this person (who your son is talking to). I keep thinking about the boy who was killed by his obsessive "friend". There's a documentary on the BBC but I forgot the name.

secular39 · 18/08/2021 14:54

Did your son not think it was strange that the other person wore hood and sunglasses?

Exactly!!

KaptainKaveman · 18/08/2021 14:57

Texting or sexting? One is ok, the other is illegal. Which one is it OP?

Jellycatspyjamas · 18/08/2021 15:00

I’d also question whether the person was actually in the States, they may be, but may not in which case your son giving identifying information is very worrying. It’s worth speaking to someone at CEOP, they may be aware of the individual or an ongoing investigation.

Have a look at the ThinkUKnow website, which is CEOPs online safety site. They have excellent resources for parents and age appropriate materials for young people explaining the risks of online interactions.

DonLewis · 18/08/2021 15:00

In the first instance (given that you've done the very first thing to do and taken his internet access away), I'd want to know exactly how much personal information he's shared.

Does the person he's been messaging know your son's full name? Dob? Address? School?

I'd also make him do some hideous online safety course. (Hideous, as in how excruciating, I know all of this already muuuum).

Then you need decide what do if this other person does have shot loads of personal info.

And then you need to decide what to do loving forward.

I'd be cautious about being too harsh. In some ways, it is a normal way of growing up in the digital age. It's the equivalent of a fumble in the park. But maybe with a stranger in a park known for predators.

You must be upset. Flowers

LostSocksBrigade · 18/08/2021 15:01

You have a lot of advice on the safeguarding angle so I'll touch more on the tech. Does your son game online via xbox or PlayStation? If so it's likely someone he met through a game on there. You need to look through the friends on there for this person too, or if he'll be honest ask him.
If not load discord back up and check through the channels, how is the content on there? Are they appropriate?
If you take away the app on his phone that's fine but discord can also he logged in on a computer so you'll need to cover your bases there too. You should also look for apps called LINE, KIK, BAND and check messages on gaming devices. Unfortunately it seems like most teens are doing this now regardless of gender/sexuality,

CagneyNYPD · 18/08/2021 15:13

@lanthanum

Too many alarm bells here. Asking about schools isn't innocent if your son has given identifying information, pictures are a no, graphic content is a no. You do need to take drastic action.

You may need to make it clear to your son that they gay aspect is not the problem - it's the explicit stuff with someone he knows nothing about. He must have been warned about grooming at school; see if you can get him to think about evidence for and against this being a groomer.

Agree with @lanthanum

I would also add that you need to be going through your DS's phone and all other tech with a fine tooth comb. Including deleted files, history. Looking at every single message that has been sent. I have a 13 year old ds and have had to talk to him about Bret Bednar. A very difficult conversation but it is very important that you talk to him and really listen.

The issue here is that your son has put himself at risk, The other person could easily be a much older predator intent on grooming your ds. It could also be a local school bully who is then sharing all the messages your son sends with everyone else at school.

You need to act now.

Anon778833 · 18/08/2021 15:16

Focus on his safety, not his sexuality.

I agree. It doesn't matter whether he's gay or not. So please don't try to categorise him atm. The main thing to worry about is definitely the possibility that he could be groomed by adults.

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