I’m worried about a friends mental health.

[Iwantitthatway]

I’ve name changed because I don’t want this to be linked back to my friend and would like to protect her identity.

A friend has confided in me that she is afraid she’s going to hurt her DD. She has two DCs, and a husband who works long hours. She says she’s exhausted and stretched to the limit and she knows she’s being too violent with them but hasn’t actually hurt them. She’s contacted the doctors but is not currently on medication or anything.

Her husband works long days for a large company and he’s often out before they wake up and then home after they go to bed but he does have weekends off.

I don’t know what to do, I offered to take the children for a few days but she declined, I urged her to contact the doctors urgently and explain exactly how she is feeling bad ask for help or if she was worried she was in or an immediate danger to go to A&E. I don’t know what I can do to get her help.

I know this is a AIBU but I really need advice, so what would you do in my situation? How do I help her?

I think my immediate step would be to call her husband. She has reached out to you because she wants something done and is possibly not strong enough to push for it herself.

I would press the husband to take a fortnight's emergency leave, go home, and tend to the house and children whilst his wife rests and gets herself sorted.

I think you need to get the SS involved really. It might seem unpleasant to do that to a friend but it's in her best interests, if she snaps and harms the children she will end up in a lot of trouble.

Wow that's a hugely worrying situation to be in! I hope your friend can get some help.

How old is her daughter? Are you in a group of friends/ do you know any of her family? Can you call her husband?

I would try to speak with someone else close to your friend and try and make a plan.
That's a pretty huge thing to say, she must be really at the end of her tether to say something like that so I'd be inclined to trust her and be really quite worried about her dd.

I think you need to step in take the action she seems unable to take herself. That she's been that open is a cry for help for sure.

Involve the husband or SS.

I agree the husband needs to step up.

I imagine lots of exhausted parents have that fear, but if she's being violent towards them now, then she's already crossed that line. By confiding in you, she may have subconsciously normalised it further for herself, even if that wasn't her intention.

Can you have one more conversation with her about this, and explain that - whatever happens - you can't simply do nothing. So either she accepts help from you, or talks to her DP, or her GP, and if not, you'll have to involve SS.

Her eldest DC has recently turned two and her youngest is 6m.
I do know her husband very well, I’ve been trying to decide whether to approach him as I’m not sure how he will respond to the news and if he would take it seriously or make the situation worse by brushing it off.
I’ve been tempted to contact NSPCC for advice but I didn’t know if that was the appropriate action to take.
We have the same health visitor, can I contact them and say I’m worried?

Speak to her dh firstly. Today.

The kids are REALLY young, I was expecting you to say 8 or 9. Definitely call Health Visitor now, call her husband now too!
Like others have said, if she's opened up to you with that frankly shocking confession, she's on the edge. I don't think now is the time to be worried about offending her by calling her husband etc (I literally mean that in the nicest possible way).

That's a tough situation with two such young children. As a more intermediate step, do you think she might agree you could take the children out for a walk for an hour or two once or twice a week and / or having them to your place for a morning or afternoon once a week to give her a breather? Another possible suggestion is that her older child could go to nursery for a day or two a week, if there's one nearby.
If she doesn't want to accept any practical respite help and support from you or elsewhere, you will have to let her know that you have to do something which will involve telling other people. The health visitor would be a good person to speak to initially and well placed to discuss her current situation and needs. If the opportunity comes up, you also could mention to her husband that you know she is finding it tough with a toddler and a young baby and would need extra support from him and elsewhere to get through the early months with a new baby.

If I didn’t know the father well, I’d contact the health visitor, and then go around there and check on her personally.

Start with the husband, and if he is not responsive the HV. Your poor friend, to feel like that and verbalise it is a big step and it seems like she wants you to help. Please Co tact her husband ASAP, he needs to step up here.

I'd contact both the husband and health visitor today. The HV won't be able to discuss her with you but you can tell them your concerns and leave it with them to take action.

And tell her to put the children in a safe space cot / playpen and shut the door and ring you if she ever gets that feeling again

Does she mean that she's losing her temper with them or does she mean she's having intrusive thoughts about harming them? Just asking because there is a difference - people with intrusive thoughts don't usually act on them.

In any case, if her youngest is less than 1, she might be able to get support from a perinatal mental health team, if that service exists near you. I'm under mine, and although I'm still pregnant, they do look after mum and baby up to 1yo - I'm not 100% sure what the criteria is though.

She should really speak to her Health Visitor, who can put her touch with the right services to help her. In the meantime, what sort of support network does she have? The fact that she's confided in you rather than a partner suggests she doesn't feel like she can talk to them and I'd be wary of stepping in speaking for her. Can you encourage her to speak to friends and family?

She has been very brave confiding in you and has done it for a reason - she knows she needs help. Her baby is very young, it could be PND.
I'd call her husband. If he's not supportive then it's going to be difficult for her but keep the door open to talk to you.
She needs to go to the health visitor and GP.
As an immediate I would suggest she looks at getting some childcare support on a regular basis so she can rest and get space to look after herself.

I'm not proud to say that when I'm tired I can get overly angry with my children. I need regular space from them. My husband works away a lot and in the end I just booked a childminder for two days a week without much discussion other than he said it seemed like a good idea when I told him. It may be her husband has no idea how much she is struggling because he isn't there to see it.

Please contact her husband, doctor and health visitor. If the medical people give you the we can't give you any info GDPR speak then say you want to give them some very important info in relation to safeguarding the children.