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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want DP to put the baby to bed?

30 replies

MumChats · 17/08/2021 22:07

7mo DS screams if DP tries to put him to bed... Hes ok with naps etc but something about bedtime he only wants me (with me he will usually quietly drift off to sleep at night, with DP he will cry until I come and take over. The longest we've persevered with the crying is an hour). DP has tried to put him to bed most nights for about 2 weeks now but no luck.

Has anyone got any advice? DS is EBF which i think might be contributing to him being clingy to me. He is occasionally like that in the daytime if he's under the weather. I put this in sleep earlier but no response so I've come to aibu for traffic!

OP posts:
Antsinmypantsneedtodance · 17/08/2021 22:18

About 7 months we had a similar issue.

DP took over and had a consistent technique. There was crying but DD was comforted and not alone. I just had to trust him to get on with it unless he asked for help. Only reason we did it is DD was refusing sleep. Would no longer feed to sleep and we were at a loss on how to carry on. It was more a case of reteaching self settling for us.

I now feed before sleep. Sometimes feeding to sleep accidently and its fine. Bedtime is my job. DP does other things like cook dinner and put a wash on. So its not just a case of I do bedtime and he gets a jolly old time.

What happens if you go out and say "goodnight/bye bye" before sleeptime and DS sees you go?

Ragwort · 17/08/2021 22:24

Just leave the house, go for a walk or do something's. Do you feed your baby at bed time? I did breast feed but never got into the habit of feeding to sleep so it was never an issue for DH to put our DS to bed.

Original poster
MumChats · 18/08/2021 05:46

I've tried going out and yes one night i walked for 45 mins so I wasn't at home listening to the crying! DP has managed to get DS down once but he woke up again 10 mins later screaming. I wonder if we should persevere or leave it for a month and try again later? It seems cruel to both of them to let DS cry (its proper screaming, not a bit of fussing) but we want him to learn. I'm not sure at 7mo he's old enough to understand me saying bye and leaving?

Our bedtime routine is bath > feed > sleeping bag and dummy. If DP is doing the routine i feed before bath though. Yes @Antsinmypantsneedtodance we have similar jobs in that whoever isn't doing bedtime is washing up etc. But we have swapped for now to try to get DS used to DP. I had to cancel a night out recently because I felt like I couldn't leave DS at bedtime.

OP posts:
Flittingaboutagain · 18/08/2021 05:50

Do you express milk so DP can give a bit for settling baby? I'm not sure what to suggest but it sounds awful and i think I'd just stick to settling baby yourself and try again in another month.

MindyStClaire · 18/08/2021 08:53

Honestly, at that age I'd leave it for a few weeks, no point in building bad associations. I know when you're home all day with an ebf baby the absolute last thing you want is more baby time, but if it means he's down quicker and you actually get more time off without the screaming in the background I'd give it a go.

Make sure DH spends lots of time one on one with him during the day and puts him down for as many naps as possible and then try again. And obviously while you're doing bedtime DH should be doing all the cleaning, tidying etc so when you're done you can just sit down.

Original poster
MumChats · 18/08/2021 09:13

Thanks for the replies. We have tried with one bottle of expressed milk but it didn't make a difference. I was wondering about leaving it for a while but didn't want to make it even harder in the future. Part of the problem i think is that DP doesn't get that much time with him due to working full time. He does what he can but it doesn't come close to the amount of time I spend with DS! Naps are okay luckily but DP does them very rarely in the week, only really gets the opportunity at the weekend.

OP posts:
rainbowfairydust · 18/08/2021 09:21

Could he be teething and naturally just wanting you? I think if you've tried for a couple of weeks I would just leave it and try it again in a months time

MindyStClaire · 18/08/2021 09:22

What are your plans OP, are you going back to work? That can help rebalance things IME, especially if your DH could take a few weeks of shared parental leave when you go back (makes things easier on everyone if you're not getting used to work and childcare at the same time).

Hemingwaycat · 18/08/2021 09:24

I’d chill out a bit at that age, he’s so young. I still put my 12 mo to bed, he’s EBF too and fed to sleep.

Givemebackmylilo · 18/08/2021 09:25

Like a PP said, I would just put him to bed myself.

DH has only put DS to bed a handful of times because it's just easier if I do it

Original poster
MumChats · 18/08/2021 09:45

Yes I'm going back to work when DS is 1. No opportunity for DP to take time off though unfortunately.
Maybe I will just do bedtime myself. We used to share it and I was keen not to establish me doing it always as our new way but it sounds like this is what it is for a while at least! Lots of my friends don't have children so often want to meet in the evening but I cant do that if I always have to put DS to bed which is a shame (also difficult for people without children to understand that, sounds like a bit of a wet excuse!) And @rainbowfairydust thanks for the suggestion, yes we wondered about teething as he's been a bit out of sorts for a week or so... no sign of them yet though!

OP posts:
TheSandgroper · 18/08/2021 10:01

I would go back to doing bedtime myself but do did story time from 9 weeks so did get the intimate moments all the same.

Givemebackmylilo · 18/08/2021 10:13

@TheSandgroper

I would go back to doing bedtime myself but do did story time from 9 weeks so did get the intimate moments all the same.
This is what we do.

DH does bath time and story time, I do bedtime. So our 'downtime' is the same

MojoMoon · 18/08/2021 10:16

Is it worth trying doing it together? But your DP takes over more and more of it - so he is doing bath and story time and you are just present but not really interacting and then a gradual withdrawal at bed time where you gradually edge out leaving your partner to it?

Would take some time but could be a good investment if it then means you have a chance to see friends/relax

Original poster
MumChats · 18/08/2021 10:25

DP does usually do the bath yes Smile

It's not so much that I want downtime in the evening but more that I would like to be able to leave the house in the evening. I know its not forever though (or i hope it's not!) And you've all been helpful but pretty unanimous in saying it just needs to be my job for now.

OP posts:
Original poster
MumChats · 18/08/2021 10:27

And thanks @MojoMoon that is probably something we could try as obviously this way does not seem to be getting us very far.

OP posts:
ChaosMoon · 18/08/2021 11:06

We had this problem for a while. We approached it with baby steps.

I'd give DD a feed and then DH would come and hug me while I settled DD in my arms.
After a few days, DH and I both held her, one on each side, to settle her.
Once she accepted him being part of the hug, I gradually removed my arms so DH was holding DD. I was standing near by, literally touching her but not with my arms. Again, this was done over a few days.
After that, I slowly moved further away until I could leave the room altogether.

The whole thing took about a week and a half, maybe as much as 2 weeks, but without any tears. As I am a giant softy, this was essential!

Good luck OP. You will get your nights out back eventually!

CabbagesGreen · 18/08/2021 11:09

You can kind of nudge it in that direction? Like maybe after the bath dad could give baby a cuddle for a bit then you take over? We only managed to swap completely at about 10 months.

CabbagesGreen · 18/08/2021 11:10

Cross posted with @ChaosMoon. We did similar basically. Also maybe have a lullaby song to play or an ocean noise so that can get used for both of you?

Original poster
MumChats · 18/08/2021 11:19

Thanks @ChaosMoon and @CabbagesGreen - def things we could do. How old was your baby when you did that method Chaos? I am torn between persevering for now or just doing bedtime myself and picking this back up in a month or two.

OP posts:
ChaosMoon · 18/08/2021 11:34

I think she was a bit closer to a year but I think we could have done it younger if we'd taken it that slowly. When we tried at about 7 months, I was still trying to pass her straight to my husband and that didn't work. Once we really tuned in to how slowly she needed to go, it worked.

CabbagesGreen · 18/08/2021 11:42

Yes 7-8 months we tried and it just didn't go very well but we kept trying to keep the same routine. Then at 9-10 months it very slowly just sort of happened as we kept trying it gently but don't force it. If LO got upset and wanted me then back to me it was!

ElderflowerRose · 18/08/2021 11:44

Must admit I always do ds bath and bed as it’s easier … probably is establishing the wrong order of things but I agree with Mindy really. It is whatever works!

Thevoiceofreason2021 · 18/08/2021 11:55

My little one 18 moths runs rings around me, but does as daddy says! Infuriating. But I do bath and book, daddy does milk and bed. We find if I try and mix it up she plays up. We just roll with what works for us. Pick your battles. She won’t be like this for ever…..

MindyStClaire · 18/08/2021 12:22

I absolutely believe in picking your battles, but it sounds like this is one you want to pick OP? Which is absolutely fair enough. For me it was always about wanting the day to be done as quickly and easily as possible so I could get an hour off before bed, but it sounds like you feel a bit trapped in being stuck in the house which I remember well. In which case it might be just a case of sticking out the screaming. DD1 went through a delightful phase of screaming at bedtime for both of us so we just took it week about.