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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How to handle this situation

25 replies

verifyingonemoment · 17/08/2021 20:37

Bit of background: I'm 21, live my parents and have ASD, the dilemma is that I've been to speaking to this person on OLD which is going well and we are arranging to meet up for coffee in the next few weeks. The problem is he doesn't live in my town and we have agreed to meet up for the fist time in the city where he lives as it's bigger than the town where I live. To get there I will be getting a train but it's not a long journey, less than half an hour. Me doing this and meeting up with someone is something I haven't done before as I don't have friends. What do I say to my parents in the activity I'm doing, I don't want to mention what I'm actually doing and knowing my luck one of my parents will ring for a chat when I'm out supposedly by myself when I actually won't be?

OP posts:

Cosybelles · 17/08/2021 20:39

If you don't want to tell them you are on a date, can you just say you are going shopping or to meet a friend?

PickleAF · 17/08/2021 20:41

As it's OLD, I would 100% be honest with your parents where you're going and who you're meeting. Although it's probably not the case, you can never be sure someone online is who they say they are, and it can be dangerous if no one knows where you are or who you're with. It'll be worse if your parents find out you've lied!

DeathStare · 17/08/2021 20:41

I wouldn't meet a stranger without telling someone the details, just for safety

Kithic · 17/08/2021 20:43

@DeathStare

I wouldn't meet a stranger without telling someone the details, just for safety

As a parent of a child with ASD I would urge you to let someone know where you are going, and who you are meeting.

As a person, I would urge the same!! Do not go without telling someone!!!

Aquamarine1029 · 17/08/2021 20:47

For your safety, tell them where you're going and who you're meeting with. You can also tell them you will have your phone on silent, so please do not call when you're with your date. You can call them on your way back. You're an adult, you don't have to lie or hide what you're doing.

Ginger1982 · 17/08/2021 20:48

You don't have any friends at all? You've never met up with another person ever?

I think you should be honest with your parents.

parietal · 17/08/2021 20:54

you don't have to tell them it is a date, but do tell them that you are going to X place to meet a 'friend you met online'

AdaFuckingShelby · 17/08/2021 20:58

Do not meet him without letting someone know where you are and what you're doing. Arrange the meeting nearer to where you live but don't give him your address and make sure you can leave and get home if you want to.
Oh, and enjoy yourself

Original poster

verifyingonemoment · 17/08/2021 21:09

If I had friends I could say that I'm meeting up with friends and what we were doing but because I don't have friends I can't say this which is what's making it difficult to know what to say.

OP posts:

MojoMoon · 18/08/2021 08:10

Have you ever been to that city before? What were you doing when you went there?
Have you been anywhere without your parents?

Why do you not want to tell them you are meeting someone?

"I am going to to Town to meet a friend I met on the internet. We will meet at Smith Cafe. I expect to be home at 4pm. I know it is the first time I have met them so I will only see them at the café and not go anywhere else with them until I know them better"

Disintegration1985 · 18/08/2021 09:06

I think for your safety you should let someone know where you are.

Do your parents know you spend time online? Could you say you've met a friend online through a shared interest/hobby etc. and you're going to meet them?

Original poster

verifyingonemoment · 18/08/2021 11:20

I've been to the city we are going to plenty of times before, I'm a bit surprised at the responses here which are sensible and the right advice, I thought people were going to tell me that I'm an adult and I don't need to tell my parents about my personal life. Also I've been out without my parents plenty of times before.

OP posts:

MindyStClaire · 18/08/2021 11:27

@verifyingonemoment

You absolutely don't need to share anything you don't want to with your parents, you do indeed have the right to a private life.

However, for anyone meeting a stranger it is wise to tell someone trusted where you're going, who you're meeting, when you expect to be done etc. In your case it sounds like your parents are the right people to tell.

LetsGoDoDoDo · 18/08/2021 11:29

Personally I've always been a little wary of meeting meeting people online as you never truly know how comfortable you feel until you meet them irl. I did OLD in my early 30s and always told my brother who I was meeting and where. I'd provide him their contact details and I also told my date that I had done so. Just to keep myself safe. I'd never have told my parents though!

Do you have anyone else you trust who you could tell?

As for your parents, just tell them you're heading to xxx city for the day to meet a friend you met online and expect to return by xxx time.

Have fun!

Cam2020 · 18/08/2021 11:34

Somone really needs to know where you are.

BlankTimes · 18/08/2021 12:28

There are some really good tips here OP, but you DO need to let someone know where you will be, it's absolutely not safe these days to just go and meet a stranger - because that's what anyone you've been talking to online really is. They may not be who you think they are.

www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/love-sex/relationships/a19603997/online-dating-safety-tips/

www.brook.org.uk/your-life/online-dating-and-staying-safe/

DDiva · 18/08/2021 13:03

Why are you on old if you're 21 ?

HollowTalk · 18/08/2021 13:05

@DDiva OLD is online dating. They're all on it from 18!

Guiltypleasures001 · 18/08/2021 13:05

When I was dating in my 30's after my divorce
Someone always knew where I was and with whom
But I have a son so makes sense

CabbagesGreen · 18/08/2021 13:07

@DDiva

Why are you on old if you're 21 ?

What's wrong with online dating at 21? Loads of people use tinder at that age.

DDiva · 18/08/2021 13:08

[quote HollowTalk]@DDiva OLD is online dating. They're all on it from 18![/quote]
Oh I thought imthey meant the old - over 40's site !

MojoMoon · 18/08/2021 13:12

You don't need to tell them it is a date, just that you are meeting a friend you met online.

I don't tell my parents when I have an online date - but then I live in a different city to them and have close friends here. But I always tell one of my friends where I am going and when plus the name of the man. They text to check in with me later.

You need to tell someone and if you have no friends, then it will need to be your parents. Unless you have a sibling or other family member you are close to?

HoppingPavlova · 18/08/2021 13:13

Sorry, you are going out to meet a stranger you have met on the Internet. Now the probability is it will go well and I really hope you hit it off in person, but in these situations the responsible thing to do is to tell someone else where you are going, what time you are expected back and to call or text them if plans deviate. On very rare occasions these things have taken a sinister turn and you need something be to be able to raise the flag quickly with police and provide relevant detail if this were to occur. I would give the same advice to someone who is 50yo as I would to someone who is 18yo. Is there anyone apart from your parents that you can let know the location/venue you will be going to and to and when you expect to leave and that you can confirm you are safely home with?

2bazookas · 18/08/2021 13:22

Time to take responsibility for your own choices, and treat your parents with the consideration and understanding they extend to you.

BlankTimes · 18/08/2021 18:04

If you were my daughter, (she has ASD) I'd advise you to think very carefully about the following things.

Be aware as you can be that your ability to read other peoples' intentions is not as honed as it is in NT people, so be twice as vigilant as you would normally be for anything that feels uncomfortable.

Can you say NO loudly and assertively enough if he suggests something you don't want to do and keeps trying to persuade you?

Can you confidently end the meeting with him and get back to the train safely or get a taxi home if you need to?

Do you know how to contact the Police silently if you need their help and cannot speak openly? If not, learn how to do that now. www.met.police.uk/contact/af/contact-us/us/contact-us/how-to-make-a-silent-999-call/

Bear in mind this man may not be who he says he is. If he looks different to any photos he's sent you, like a lot older, or even like a different person, then that's a Red Flag.

It's maybe a bit odd he's asked to meet you near his home.
If he has a drink waiting for you, that's a Red Flag. Do NOT drink it, it could be spiked. Say you'd prefer something different and you'll get your own.
Make sure you absolutely do not take your eyes off your drink.

He could be planning to suggest after your agreed meeting in a public place that you could go to his place, or he could try and make it seem you arrive there "by accident" by saying say let's go for a walk and then surprise, suddenly you're near his place, and as he's seemed so nice so far, why not go in? Major Red Flag.
Absolutely do not do this. Do not go out of a public area with him and definitely do not go into his house or his friends' house or anywhere else where he could isolate you.

I really hope all goes well for you and that he's a nice guy, but in this day and age, you need to be aware of all the above things and all the other good advice on this thread "just in case"

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