Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To think this is sus?

54 replies

dopeyduck · 17/08/2021 18:26

Today our household all has had PCR tests as DS (1) has a temp and a snotty nose / cough.
DP worked from home for the above reason and I had to take time off as I can't work from home.
DP comes downstairs around lunch time and enlightens us that he wouldn't be surprised if tests were positive as he feels run down / not 100%.
I look at him and he had a coldsore. He's never had one before, we actually irrelevantly discussed it whilst pregnant and he said he'd never had one. Suddenly today when I asked he couldn't remember / wasn't sure but not recently and went on and on about the fact they're caused by stress. I've pointed out that outbreaks are triggered but they're caused by a virus.
Anyways, I've never had one, so he hasn't caught it from me. I feel pretty strongly that this indicates he's had close facial contact with someone else recently and has caught this.
AIBU to think this is suspicious?

There's no massive backstory. Things are a little rocky but nothing more than having a small child and stressful jobs. We're TTC #2. I don't know what to think.

OP posts:

Thecurtainsofdestiny · 17/08/2021 19:23

What Validuser said. A cold sore is a reactivation of dormant herpes virus. Many kids get this - they get a sore mouth with lots of little vesicles. It clears up but then many years later when unwell or stressed or run down, they get a cold sore.

ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 17/08/2021 19:25

How big is it? If he has caught it from snogging a random, it is likely to be absolutely massive, whereas if it is something that has lain dormant in his system for decades and has popped out due to stress/being run down etc it might well be quite small. Newly acquired virus seems to come out hugely strongly, whereas something the body has held in check successfully for years doesn't burst through as an enormous beast.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 17/08/2021 19:37

You're making too much of this.

I had a coldsore for the first time aged about 14 - my family didn't do physical affection (or any affection, really) so as far as I could remember, I had never been kissed by anybody. Maybe I was as toddler, but it certainly wasn't happening in my living memory.

Didn't have another one until I was 39 and started methotrexate to calm down my immune system. If I hadn't had that one aged 14, it would have looked to my ex that I'd been fucking around because I wouldn't have remembered having one before.

There isn't an elephant in the room - there's a fucking massive molehill, though.

cansu · 17/08/2021 19:54

That is the biggest leap I can imagine!

SunbathingDragon · 17/08/2021 20:00

I would assume it’s more likely he first had one as a young child and either genuinely doesn’t remember or else was embarrassed and thought he could get away with lying because he hasn’t had a flare up for so long.

Is it definitely a cold sore? Could it be something similar to angular cheilitis?

Original poster

dopeyduck · 17/08/2021 20:44

It's definitely a cold sore. It's large & noticeable.
My main reason for jumping on this band wagon is he's been defensive / deflecting about it when I simply passed comment.

I've not said anything about it tonight as I think my stress about everyone being unwell it's clouding the issue so I'm going to revisit this (in thought) in a couple of days.

I have no other reason to doubt him or suspect he's cheating but I'm not a naturally jealous person. I do over react at times though and stress exacerbates my overthinking etc.

I appreciate the perspective but can't shake the gut feeling of this rn

OP posts:

SchrodingersImmigrant · 17/08/2021 20:48

The fact that your mind went to him getting it of being cosy with someone kind if says that the rocky oart isn't just about being busy and tired...
Agree with others about ttc for now tbh

toocold54 · 17/08/2021 20:58

YABU the majority of us have the virus but it just doesn’t show and certain things can trigger it.
I would be defensive too as you are accusing him off cheating and even if you’ve not come out and said it he probably sensed that’s where you were heading.

The cold sore YABU but if your gut is telling you something then you may be right but there needs to be something more than the cold sore as that’s irrelevant.

donquixotedelamancha · 17/08/2021 21:31

Suddenly today when I asked he couldn't remember / wasn't sure but not recently and went on and on about the fact they're caused by stress. I've pointed out that outbreaks are triggered but they're caused by a virus.

My main reason for jumping on this band wagon is he's been defensive / deflecting about it when I simply passed comment.

In his defense, the comment you are passing does sound batshit and accusatory just from your description. No wonder he was defensive.

I do over react at times though and stress exacerbates my overthinking etc.

A cold sore is not (not even a tiny bit) possible evidence of infidelity to anyone thinking rationally. I think you need to take a little time and clear your head before you revist any worries about your marriage.

If you can't stop yourself revisting the coldsore issue, please consider seeking professional support.

user1471457751 · 17/08/2021 21:39

There's no elephant. You just sound completely ignorant to the facts of the herpes virus. And no wonder he was defensive if you came across even half as accusatory as you have here.

Forstarters · 17/08/2021 21:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

MrsFin · 17/08/2021 21:47

You can catch it from towels, or anything someone with a cold sore has touched.

LemonJuiceFromConcentrate · 17/08/2021 21:52

A cold sore isn’t evidence of close contact with anyone. It’s more likely it’s emerged because he’s slightly run down or slightly stressed or whatever. Or some random other reason.

I’ve only ever had one in my life, during a period of stress about ten years ago, and it’s never come back. Would have been horrified if dp had used it to build a case against me in his head!

YABU.

LemonJuiceFromConcentrate · 17/08/2021 21:54

“My main reason for jumping on this band wagon is he's been defensive / deflecting about it when I simply passed comment”

In his defense, the comment you are passing does sound batshit and accusatory just from your description. No wonder he was defensive.

^^ this

Spudina · 17/08/2021 21:58

@Forstarters that’s completely unnecessary. The OP has a poorly child and is stressed. If you don’t know anything about cold sores this is an easy mistake to make.
Don’t sweat it OP. As everyone had said there are lots of more much mundane ways of catching them.

christyt114 · 17/08/2021 22:13

@Toomanyradishes

You can pick them up from pets, has he been fussing any dogs recently?

No you can't. That's bollocks.

confusedlots · 17/08/2021 22:30

They can definitely lie dormant for years so it could be that he had one or two years ago and hasn't had one since. And maybe if you were stressing about it being passed on to a newborn baby when you discussed it before, it was easier for him to say he hadn't had one before.

I used to get 3 or 4 a year when I was in my 20's then I stopped getting them. I remember getting one about 5 years ago when I was particularly run down and stressed and I'm pretty sure I haven't had one since then.

toocold54 · 17/08/2021 22:37

Oh gosh. Have you considered be might have AIDS? You seem any needles around lately?

That’s quite a jump

Shamoo · 17/08/2021 22:37

They do come out with stress and being run down. I think if you have nothing else to base any sort of allegation on, you are opening a massive can of worms if you suggest anything more to him!

Imnothereforthedrama · 17/08/2021 22:53

He has a cold sore and your conclusion he’s cheating? Jeez if that was true everyone who suspected a unfaithful partner would just be looking out for cold sores .
No op so far off the mark there and actually I’d be really annoyed if I was your dp .

Imnothereforthedrama · 17/08/2021 22:54

@Forstarters

Oh gosh. Have you considered be might have AIDS? You seem any needles around lately?

What absolute rubbish seriously!!

Saoirse82 · 18/08/2021 01:06

@Notaroadrunner

You don't have to get them from other people. Dh gets a few a year if he's stressed or run down. You can also get them from sun exposure.

Yes, but only if you initially picked the virus up from another person. You need to catch it from someone before an outbreak can flare and then it can lie dormant for years.

therocinante · 18/08/2021 01:11

I'd be defensive too if my DH implied I'd been cheating because of a cold sore, OP.

Merryoldgoat · 18/08/2021 09:41

@Imnothereforthedrama

I’m fairly sure @Forstarters was being sarcastic…

Just10moreminutesplease · 18/08/2021 09:46

Cold sores can pop up years after the initial exposure.

I had my first one when I was run down and I hadn’t been kissing anyone (I was around 10 at the time!). Still no idea where I caught the virus.

Flip

1 2 3