AIBU in thinking my FIL really is an unpleasant person

[InkKeepsRunning]

We’ve just been staying with my in laws in their home country. Previously I’d found my FIL relatively ok, a few issues, but didn’t mess in my business so not a huge issue.

We hadn’t visited for a while so saw him in a new light this time with him being deliberately obstructive and seemingly going out of his way to make life difficult for people.

A couple of examples…

I was going to a wedding with my SILs. His married daughters usually like to get ready together, share make-up, do hair etc. However, he said they weren’t allowed to get ready for or leave to the wedding from his house (which technically we actually paid to build albeit on his land). So, me and other DIL got ready in “his” house (she lives with them), and I had to drive round the villages picking up the rest on the way. He said I was allowed to drive “his” car (again bought by us) but my SIL was not. She got her hair done in a salon which involved her SIL & BIL doing a 35 min round trip to pick her up, take her to the salon and then take her back home after the appointment.

Another DIL had build a new house 15 mins (max) air-conditioned car ride away and invited us all for dinner. FIL wouldn’t go, so BIL had to stay at home to look after him. The next day, he jumps in the car for a 2 hr round trip to pick up different SIL for a visit. He can’t drive, so it was a passenger, not because no one else could make the trip. Co-incidentally, it was roughly the time as which we would have needed the car had we been using his car to go to another wedding event. We used our own, but it meant some people had no opportunity to come.

There were so many other examples coupled with his constant complaining about how badly he is treated, despite being presented with 3 meals a day (according to a timetable which is different to everyone else’s meal schedule natch), being provide with clean ironed clothes, and basically never lifting a finger. In his defence, he is quite unwell, but I struggle to make that level of allowances for him.

My own dad would literally have done anything for me, so I’m not sure whether my expectations are way out of kilter.

I spoke my mind and fell out with him, we sort of made up, but it keeps running round in my mind, and I wonder if I’m being unreasonable?

He sounds like an arrogant, selfish pig of a man

I thought that. I can’t really understand how I never noticed to such a degree in the last 20 yrs! I think there’s been some changes have exposed it more clearly.

Is there a reason he might feel so entitled? I've known one or two from different cultures who struggle to understand why they are not fully catered to by family.

Sounds like he has gotten grumpy and selfish in his old age and illness!

While I believe that some allowances should be made, I don't think that being old or ill entitles you to act like an asshole... good for you pulling him on it, but don't let it dwell and only feel bad if it has caused tension in your relationships with your partner and his siblings.
If his own kids are willing to drive around the houses to accommodate then let them, tell them you'll meet them at the end goal!

@KatherineJaneway

Is there a reason he might feel so entitled? I've known one or two from different cultures who struggle to understand why they are not fully catered to by family.

There is a cultural element to people doing what he tells them to, but in there’s no need really to go about it in the way he does, except for sheer pigheadedness as far as I can see.

Are you South Asian by any chance?

Sounds like one of many desi uncles I have had the pleasure of meeting.

Is he getting worse as he gets older ? Could be an aging/control thing.