Too nervous to go to this meetup

[Piranha88]

My partner has kindly invited me out with him and his colleagues, they’re already there and I said I would go about 5.
I feel pathetic but I’m really nervous about it, as I’m shy and get social anxiety. I don’t understand why I’m still shy at 30, I’m older than the majority of this group too.
Including my partner there will be around 4 or 5 of them there.
First of all I hate having to walk into a place when everybody is already there as I hate all eyes on me, and I don’t know what conversation to make apart from the generic small talk. They all seem very witty, extroverted and I just feel like they’ll be looking at me and inside thinking I look nervous etc then talking about me behind my back later.

I’ve met up with people before in groups and then behind my back they’ve said I was nervous, shy etc. I just hate being watched and commented on, and hate how shy people have to stick out like a sore thumb.

Any advice? I’d like to go as my partner and I are both working all week now, but I feel so nervous.

Piranha - you can do this!

I know exactly the nervousness you are talking about and feeling right now but the only way to grow in confidence is to do put yourself out of your comfort zone occasionally.

Look into a mirror and repeat: I am confident and I am likeable (or whatever adjectives you want).

I bet you’ll end up enjoying it.

Thank you I appreciate it :)
I’ve had this all of my life, I guess I thought I’d grow out of it. I’m not one of those loud ‘crazy’ types and I know I don’t have to be but I worry they will find me boring and nothing interesting to contribute. I hardly have any friends so I find it hard to believe I’m likeable sadly

I’m shy. Try to catch people’s eye and smile, they’ll involve you in the conversation. That helps me.

Maybe you don’t have many friends possibly because you are quite choosy (rightly so) about who you let into your life?

I was like you when I was younger but as I’ve got older I seem to give less of a shit about what people think about me

What I know is this: life is bloody short. My advice to you is: down a swift voddy, go out and meet them. You’ll either have a good time and be glad you went, or you’ll have an okish time in which case it has served as excellent experience for building social skills. You don’t have to work with them so what have you got to lose?

Are you meeting in a pub?

You could text your partner when you get there and he could meet you at the door if that helps?

I find putting some effort into my outfit and makeup and perfume gives me more confidence (a bit shallow I know) and try not to see an imagined reflection of yourself when talking to new people, just see the person in front of you.

Have a few conversation starters ready if you need them... do you live locally? How do you put up with Mr.Piranha? Have you been here before? etc.

Good luck, in sure it'll be fine

My advice is you'll never get over this unless you put yourself in this position over and over again and practice! Good luck!

Yep I hate walking in somewhere on my own.
Get your partner to meet you outside

If it makes you feel any better, I can’t stand when someone joins a group and they talk loads and hog the conversation. You sound much more like my cup of tea.

Don’t put yourself under any pressure to be witty or talk much. Just smile, listen, answer if spoken to. You can do it!

If they're already out, and they're friends, don't worry too much about having to make conversation etc. They'll do it for you!

When you go in just give big warm smiles to you and join in conversations if you have something to say - you'll be absolutely fine!

If it's any consolation OPl anxiety in women tends to diminish with age. Something to do with our hormones.
I was told this by an older male doctor when I was in my 30s.
He said "I rarely see it in older women"
I didn't believe him at the time but he was right!
I'll never be confident but I no longer feel as anxious as I did when I was younger.
Your anxiousness wont last for ever. It will gradually lose its intensity.

It is never as bad/awkward/scary as you think it'll be. Stop thinking about it. Work/watch something then get your coat on and just go. In a few hours you'll be safely back in bed.

You sounds nice op. The walking in and introductions will be the hardest bit.

I agree with pp to see if your partner will come and meet you by the door or outside this time so he can show you where you're all sitting and introduce you to his colleagues.

Good luck and have a nice time! Let us know how it goes.

I would ask DP to meet you at the door and I'm sure he'll ease you into the conversation.

You say the colleagues seem witty and extrovert. Exactly that. They seem to be, not necessarily are.

BTW, give me a shy person over a loud bore any day. Shy is actually a really nice quality and people will warm to you naturally if you smile and listen. Small talk is absolutely fine. It's what everybody does in new situations.

Have a lovely time.

Agree with your partner meeting you outside.

Just smile. Actual adults understand how intimidating it can be to meet an established group and don't talk behind peoples backs about them being shy etc.

Your partner obviously likes you exactly how you are, people who are friends with him will too!

Just try to relax, no need to think of things to say!

Are you driving?

I’m 34 and have accepted that the only way I can get through situations like this is to have at least two shots of whiskey first.

I’m certainly not an alcoholic, I not drink when we go out/family parties which is around 6-8 times a year. But it works on those occasions!

I ‘only’ drink on those occasions

I'm rather intrigued as to how you know people are talking behind your back about your shyness etc. Surely, if they do this you wouldn't know, so look carefully at who is telling you this as they are not your friend and contributing to your anxiety

Smile, make eye contact, ask questions and listen. People love a good listener.

Fake it until you make it.

Plaster on a smile and walk confidently over. Ask everyone how they are and look engaged. Before you know it you'll be having a lovely time x

Here’s something that will change your life - what you have described is completely normal and almost universal: nobody likes being the last to join and look round awkwardly for your group, nobody likes making small talk, everyone feels awkward meeting new people.

Your alternative is never to go anywhere or meet new people

I could have written this, OP. I find group conversations difficult enough when I know everyone involved - never know what to say, what's interesting/appropriate, what questions to ask - and when they're strangers it's worse. And the fact that DP is there for me would mean even more pressure, as I wouldn't want to show him up or have him concentrating on helping me to participate instead of enjoying his colleagues' company. As others have said though, it does seem to get (a bit) better with age.

Thanks so much everyone! Just on my way now, feeling better after reading all this :) the people who told me what others had said were 1-2 friends that I don’t really have anymore. I’ll try to not put so much pressure on myself.

Let us know how it goes

This is me and I’m in my late 40s, agree with all the previous advice, just wishing you a great evening!

Don't think about you. Don't think about what they may it may not be thinking. Go and see what happens, let them lead the conversation if you don't know what to say.