To feel like I'm going crazy..

[underthesea87]

I wasn't sure where to put this but I thought AIBU for traffic.

Basically 2020 was a terrible year. Grandad died after a battle with cancer, and then my auntie and uncle fell out with my mum as she told them he used to sexual abuse her as a child and they didn't believe her. They were like a second mum and dad to me but stopped speaking to me also.

Then my cousin (their daughter) died suddenly aged 26. (Blood clot in brain) She was like a sister I never had and I never had we were so close and I never got to say goodbye and I regret the crossed words we had about our parents. I wasn't welcome at the funeral and it was just a really hard time.

I was meant to get married 3 times and they all got cancelled.

DP dad got cancer (all being well he's ok now)

We always said we would try for #2 after the wedding, so we decided to just start trying anyway. I thought it would be something positive after all the awful time.

Then I got hyperemesis. I have a vomit phobia and it was an awful time. I was still considering aborting the baby at 24 weeks as I was so unwell mentally and physically. The strain it put on our relationship was very difficult, we're still hanging by a thread now. It turned something that was meant to be positive into something very negative. No one really asks about the baby or is excited cos of how it started, I have no friends to want to do a baby shower.

I'm 33 weeks now and I find that I cannot stop constantly stressing and worrying 24/7.. I can't switch off.
I stress about silly things - I had my hair cut short when I was really unwell and I regret it I sit for hours looking at old photos of the old me before all this happened, looking happy with long hair.

We have a puppy who chews and runs away, j worry how I'll cope when the baby is born is he does it to her stuff.
DS starts school next month, I'm worried about that and stupidly about it he'll bring any viruses home before I give birth.
I gave loads of clothes away last year and I've spent loads trying to replace them (unsuccessfully) as I wasn't thinking straight and regret giving them away.
Dad is 70 next month - I worry that we having nothing planned (it's 3 days before my due date) and I also worry about him getting older and losing him as he's my rock.
I worry DP is going to leave me for someone happier and not as troubled as me.
I worry how I'll cope with 2 children.
I lost my job due to COVID - well, the hours got reduced from 20 to only 3 - I worry how I'll cope for money once furlough ends next month. DP can cover all household with his wage but I have no money "for myself"
dp works from home but the only space we have is at the kitchen table - it's hard being on top of each other 24/7 and I worry how he'll cope when the baby is here in the background.
I'm worried about another 6 weeks of pregnancy feeling sick.
I'm worried about labour and if I'll be sick, I'm worried about the COVID situation and not being able to have my mum there.
I'm worried about getting organised for baby.
Mental health team want me to go back on antidepressants before baby is born but I don't want to as I'm worried it'll make me feel sick and set of my anxiety badly plus it means you have to stay in hospital 48 hours after having the baby.

I feel like someone has taken my brain out, mashed it up and put it back in my skull. I can't think straight, can't concentrate, can't make the most of the time I have with DS.

Sorry I know this was so long and thank you if you've read any of it.

I'm just wondering if things will ever get better? Or if anyone has ever felt this way?

Oh gosh OP. You have really been through the mill. I couldn't read and run.

I don't have anything helpful to add, except you clearly have a lot of worries. While ADs/medication can be helpful, how about other techniques like mindfulness, grounding exercises, and learning to let your worries go.

Could you afford a bit of therapy to get these thoughts out of your mind, to give you a bit of relief? Even just 8-12 weeks with someone kind and understanding could make a real difference.

I'm really sorry, I wish there was more I could do as you just sound - quite understandably - at the end of your tether. This altogether is quite a lot of trauma that only the strongest person could cope with alone.

Do you have good support in place (friends, family) for once baby is here? I just worry that you'll feel isolated and I think now would be a good time to put plans in place for getting some alone time/time for you once baby has arrived.

and more for you OP.

That all sounds really hard on you, anyone would struggle with all of the horrible circumstances you have endured.
It's hard when anxiety takes a hold. Every problem snowballs into one huge snowball and then you end up anticipating everything else will fall apart the same way.
It's very hard to do, but I think you need to deal with one thing at a time. You need to try and concentrate on your immediate situation that is happening now - which is your pregnancy and your DP and your DS.
Everything else (the extended family/covid worries) needs to go on the back burner. You need to try and reframe things - Your sickness will pass when the baby arrives, as long as you have the basics for your new baby the rest can wait, your DP is still with you, your DS is going to be starting an exciting new adventure starting school. As for your dad's 70th, if you are as close to him as you say you are he will understand you have too much on your plate to plan something. I'm sure the best present for him would be to see you well again.
You maybe fearful of having to stay in hospital longer after you have the baby if you start antidepressants, but I think that you would really benefit from them. By the time you have the baby the medication will have had time to kick-in and that would put you in a better place to deal with everything that has happened and also all that comes with a newborn.

Sounds like you've had a really tough time, it's totally understandable that you feel the way you do.

Have you spoken to your midwife about your state of mind? Slightly different circumstances for me as I had an existing diagnosis before I got pregnant, but I now have a mental health midwife and I'm under the perinatal mental health team - they can offer CBT, group sessions and other resources to help, and are generally a good place for my to offload about any baby worries.

Failing that, there are lots of self-help resources that can help you work through your anxieties. I know for me, when I'm obsessed about a problem I feel like I need to 'work the problem through' to a solution in my head before I can put it to rest and move on. You can buy activity books, or find sites with free print outs etc. where you can do things like Worry Trees, Decatastrophisation exercises etc.

Do you have a good support network? Does your DP understand the sort of place you're in mentally?

Thank you all for your kind words and advice x

Oh wow. You've been through a tough time.

Everyone talks about PND but forget that when woman are pregnant they can suffer similar.

Do you have a midwife you can chat too?

Take the antidepressants. Seriously, you sound about halfway to a full blown mh crisis, take them.

What is a mental health crisis? How would you know you were having one?

The sense of rising panic, of not being able to cope, to focus, to make decisions, overwhelming worries....that's how it can start. Add in pregnancy/birth hormones and things can spiral downward very rapidly. Please work w your mh team.

@underthesea87

Your thread title resonated with me so much as I am also going through what seems like one shit show after another atm, so just wanted to extend a hand hold and say you're not alone x I try to break things down into bite size chunks but occasionally seem to choke on them even so x Try to tune out whenever you can although I know its not easy - the mental churning is what does it for me and even sleep seems like an impossibility x I feel as if I'm being a bit cack handed here but just wanted to reach out and send you un-Mumsnetty hugs and all the hope that in time things will work themselves out xxxx I sincerely wish you all the very best xxxx

And I second the advice to investigate and access any support available xxx

Blimey op, even one of those troubles would be enough to tip a lot of people over the edge never mind all of them together. Please don’t be hard on yourself, things like hair will grow back (that’s something that really resonated with me), the clothes you gave away will at least have served a purpose to the recipients and may be bringing someone joy, yes you’ve spent a lot replacing them but you’re getting there don’t dwell on that. I agree that hormones will be exaggerating everything too, they’re more powerful than we give them credit for. Try not to think about all of what’s going on at once, you’ll just be feeding the anxiety monster.

It’s often overlooked when women have these depressing and overwhelming feelings when pregnant, we’re expected to be the definition of excitement and delight (I was neither). I had to take antidepressants with my first pregnancy and because they took most of the gnawing feeling away I felt less sick if that makes sense. It would really help you to engage with the mental health team midwives, they’ve seen it all, some have experienced it themselves. You’ve had to deal with far more than the average person and from what I’ve read from you, you’re an incredible person. I also worried my dp was getting fed up with how I was, turns out he was fed up with himself as he didn’t know how to help. You can get through this and I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if you’re on here in a couple of years time helping someone else. Hang in there, one minute at a time 💐