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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have asked DP to take DD out?

17 replies

assordav · 17/08/2021 10:40

I've been with DP for 8 years and we have a 5 year old DD together. I also have a DS and he's 16. For the past year DS’ mental health hasn't been very good, he's been suicidal, and me or DP used to have to sit with him until he went to sleep. He was given counselling which didn't help him so he stopped.

His mental health did improve for a few months though, recently he's been saying he wants to die again so I've been having to sit with him again.

He's also started to punch walls (not out of anger).

Last night, he was punching the wall, and I was trying to get him to stop, and DP shouted at DS, which obviously didn't help, I did manage to get him to stop, and I was sitting with him in his room as he was still saying he wanted to die etc and calling himself a failure (he didn't get what he was predicted for his GCSEs but I still told him I was proud of him etc and he did still do well).

He finally went to sleep at about 5, and I managed to get a few hours sleep before DD woke me up. Today, the 4 of us were going to go out for the lunch and the afternoon, I told DP not to wake DS up as he'll be exhausted, he then mentioned us going out and I asked DP to take DD and ill stay here with DS, DP then started saying I should be the one to take DD. He then said we'll all stay in the and DD will be bored inside.

AIBU to have asked DP to take her?

OP posts:

THATmamaofMANY · 17/08/2021 10:42

Yanbu

AlmostSummer21 · 17/08/2021 10:45

Of course not!

But did he say you should take DD because he didn't want to it because he thought it would be a nice break for a you to get out of the house and spend some time with DD?

Depends on his motivation what I think of him.

But YOU weren't being unreasonable to ask him to take DD out for lunch

And if his 'we'll all stay home then' was grumpy & petulant then he needs to be told to grow the fuck up.

Original poster

assordav · 17/08/2021 11:00

DP wanted me to take DD as he didn't want to himself, as he wanted us to go as a family or him not go at all.

OP posts:

2ndtimemum2 · 17/08/2021 11:01

Your son is in a mental health crisis and your asking about who's unreasonable about bringing your daughter out for lunch? Seriously op it sounds like your partner is frustrated because you don't seen to have a plan in place to get your 16 year old better which in turn affects the whole family.

I might sound harsh but I'm speaking from experience, I was your daughter in this situation and my brother suffered dreadfully with his mental health and like you my mum let him give up counselling and would sit with him for hours without actually doing anything to help the situation and in turn the whole family suffered missed out on days out etc and now 20 years on My brothers mental health is worse than ever and he is a barely functioning adult. Early intervention is essential so instead of worrying about who brings the daughter out for lunch you should be focusing on who is going to bring your son to counselling/doctor/hospital

billy1966 · 17/08/2021 11:08

Of course YANBU.

He is just lazy and doesn't want to.

Probably not the first example of him being a waster.

You are right to try and take time with your son.

I'm so sorry, that all sounds so very hard.

supersonicginandtonic · 17/08/2021 11:11

You need to get your son some help. Even if you have to push abd fight for it. He needs to be accessing counselling. Is he on any medication? Get him in for a medication review. Has he been seen by CAMHS or the crisis team?
Your family cannot live like this. Your son may be suicidal but you are in danger of losing your daughter and partner too. They need you, especially your daughter.
Is your sons dad aeound? Have you reached out to social care?

PlanDeRaccordement · 17/08/2021 11:14

Sorry but I agree with @2ndtimemum2

MH isn’t going to get better on its own. Why did you let him stop counselling? If it’s not working you either switch counsellor or the counsellor tried a different type of therapy. You don’t stop going. And just sitting with your DS isn’t going to help him at all.

Neither of you was unreasonable. YANBU to suggest DP and DD have a day out without you two, but neither is your DP being unreasonable to decline as it was supposed to be a family day out. He may even be thinking DS would get further upset by “failing” to be well enough to go out with the family.

Ponoka7 · 17/08/2021 11:21

If he won't engage with services and is committing violent acts the police need to be called. I've done it on relatives and it's got them into mental health services. Your DD is being damaged by this. You can't shadow him for life. He has to be proactive in his recovery. Have you got the number for your local crisis team?

lastcall · 17/08/2021 11:23

@assordav

DP wanted me to take DD as he didn't want to himself, as he wanted us to go as a family or him not go at all.

He's a twat.

You have a MH emergency with another child; he needs to be able to step up and do solo things with his daughter on occasion.

MissAlvina3 · 17/08/2021 11:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Streamside · 17/08/2021 11:28

When I was growing up a neighbour family had a teenager who had serious mental health issues. They were deeply religious and the family prayed all through the night with her when things were really bad.Other children didn't get fed or clothed let alone sent to school as everyone was in recovery the next day. One particularly awful night they prayed with her through to sunrise and the father fell asleep only to waken to her having killed herself.
Awful awful story but the family just couldn't save her, she didn't receive medication or any other help. You can only do so much and I'd imagine your husband is realising this. Your child is going through a major mental health emergency and compare your responses to what you would do if it was an equivalent physical health emergency.

putthebinsout · 17/08/2021 12:27

Has he been assessed for adhd, asd etc.? If he is ND then traditional methods of therapy won't have helped and could have even made things worse.

It's easy to say (as per pp) you shouldnt have let him stop therapy but if he refused what can you do?! CAMHs will discharge in the basis of him refusing to engage rather than look at why he's not engaging and offering something different.

I think if I were you I'd go back to GP. Get back in the system and ask for an assessment. You need to almost literally lock doors down to get it but it could help.

In the mean time, of course your DH needs to be taking the youngest out. It's whiskey unfair that she is having to sit indoors with her life on hold because of her brother.

DH is being very selfish and I think you have a right to tell him that!

putthebinsout · 17/08/2021 12:28

Kick* doors down

PlanDeRaccordement · 17/08/2021 17:49

I don’t think the DH is bad for not leaving OP alone with a violent and unstable 16yo boy. By age 12 my DS were taller and stronger than me. At 16...and punching walls? No way would I leave a woman alone in the house with that going on. Everyone can think he won’t harm his own mum, but it does and can happen. I wouldn’t have taken the risk either.

It’s sad the DDs life is on hold, but safety of the OP has to be a priority to someone, and who else but her DH can safely restrain or contain the DS if need be?

LunaLula83 · 17/08/2021 17:54

Your son needs to face a few hard truths and stop having tantrums

AgentJohnson · 17/08/2021 18:07

@2ndtimemum2 is right.

Rosebel · 17/08/2021 18:32

@LunaLula83

Your son needs to face a few hard truths and stop having tantrums

Do you have any understanding of MH? This isn't a teenage tantrums. OP you do need to go back to the GP and get your son some help. I'm not sure what they can offer but they must have different options. And your partner needs to start looking after his daughter and your son (ie by not shouting at him when he's suicidal). Sounds so hard. I hope you all get the support you need

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