Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

AIBU wanting to go for a drink with an old male acquaintance

24 replies

2ddandabump · 17/08/2021 08:36

On a rare night out recently in the pub with friends, I saw someone I knew about 20 years ago, I went over said hi, he remembered me, we had a friendly chat and a brief catchup, his wife was there also and we chatted briefly as well.

Came home, told DP how I'd seen this person, remarked on how much bigger he was (used to be a slight thin man, now quite wide, but not in a big muscle sort of way) I mentioned we might meet for a drink in our local town where we live, commented on how nice it was to have seen him and left it at that.

Fast forward a week or so, it comes up in an argument with my partner. He mocked me and called the guy my new boyfriend, and made hurtful remarks about the situation. He said that to him, if a man meets a woman then he wants to shag her. I realise what an outdated view he has, I told him so and he says that I've said his feelings are wrong. I've said that I think he has an outdated view of male/female relationships.

This man is 12 years my senior, happily married for 28 years and had 2 grown up children. I've explained I don't fancy him and felt no romantic connection, I just liked the idea of a catchup and chat with someone new.

My partner has lost a lot of weight recently and is obviously feeling sensitive about it. I've found his mocking about this man unnecessary and unacceptable. I'm 39, with 3 children, surely I'm not out of order for wanting to have a few beers with a man that isn't my partner?

I've now cancelled the drinks meet up because I don't want the comments I'll inevitably get about making an effort to look nice for going out.

He keeps saying that he didn't tell me to cancel, but I feel he's done everything but that to make me feel bad about it.

Is it unreasonable to go for a couple of drinks with a guy that isn't your partner?

OP posts:

MintMatchmaker · 17/08/2021 08:41

I wouldn’t have cancelled. Is he controlling in other ways?

Brimorion · 17/08/2021 08:43

I wouldn’t dream of cancelling a social occasion because of someone else’s paranoia and sexual jealousy.

JustDanceAddict · 17/08/2021 08:43

Your DH is being ridiculous and insecure.
I’d reinstate the meet up saying to dh that he seriously has nothing to worry about and it’s no different from going out w a female friend (assuming you’d look nice for that too).

brittleheadgirl · 17/08/2021 08:49

Your dh is a nob.
I'm off to see an old male friend next week. He lives in a different city so I'm going for the day, we'll have lunch, drinks and I'll probably roll home late.
Dh is totally fine with this because he trusts me!

brittleheadgirl · 17/08/2021 08:49

And yes, reschedule and bloody go!!

thanksforyourcommentrandomman · 17/08/2021 08:54

I wouldn't cancel but I probably wouldn't have mentioned how big this man is now because 1. why does it matter and 2. this comment My partner has lost a lot of weight recently and is obviously feeling sensitive about it

Almost like you were comparing the two

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 17/08/2021 08:57

So he says this man who he has never met wants to shag you but it's you who is saying his feelings are wrong? He is being nasty and illogical.
Some men will want to shag women they meet. Some men wont. Of course people can socialise with people of the opposite sex. But its irrelevant if you arent interested and would leave for example if he did come on to you.

Original poster

2ddandabump · 17/08/2021 08:58

He's never been like this before, but then I haven't wanted to go out with a male friend before. I'm not a wee young thing, I know he's been a dick about it, I know it's a red flag. I know I should be able to go where I want and do what I want.

I've reassured him already, but he's just come back with more nasty comments about me having a chat with someone nice, and who's not like him. It all screams inferiority complex, and makes me feel like he's a bully taking his insecurities out on me. I've said if he met an old female friend who was a happily married woman, or not married, I don't care really, I'd have no problem with it, even if she was drop dead gorgeous.

I cancelled for a quiet life and to avoid more unkind comments. Yes I'd do my makeup and clothes the same for a night out with female friends, nothing special or different.

OP posts:

TootTootTootToot · 17/08/2021 09:06

Your husband sounds nasty. Has he been jealous before? Do you go out with female friends much? Is he ok with that?

thecognoscenti · 17/08/2021 09:07

Your husband is being a cock.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 17/08/2021 09:10

Your husband is an arse and I would go out with the other friend to make the point that I will not be dictated to.

There’s always the Puritan minority who think that men and women who aren’t related or married should be chaperoned in some way but it’s the 21st century now. I wouldn’t even think twice about going out with a male friend or a male partner going out with a female one. As you say, it’s all jealousy and insecurity to be otherwise.

Original poster

2ddandabump · 17/08/2021 09:20

@TootTootTootToot

Your husband sounds nasty. Has he been jealous before? Do you go out with female friends much? Is he ok with that?

He has no problem with me going out with friends in the past, he's my partner (boyfriend) not husband, I was married for 13 years in a previous relationship and always felt happy that in this relationship we were a bit more our own people with our own lives as well as a couple.

OP posts:

gannett · 17/08/2021 09:29

It would be a cold day in hell before any partner of mine felt they could have any opinion or say in which friends I chose to see and when.

Jealousy is such an unattractive trait.

MrsSkylerWhite · 17/08/2021 09:31

We’re you in a romantic relationship with him in the past?
Going against the grain but if you were, I’d be a bit uncomfortable about it too.

Original poster

2ddandabump · 17/08/2021 09:42

@MrsSkylerWhite

We’re you in a romantic relationship with him in the past? Going against the grain but if you were, I’d be a bit uncomfortable about it too.

Absolutely not, I knew him in a professional capacity. There is no romantic connection whatsoever. He just likes a beer and a chat and so do I. He is also friends with and drinks socially with some of my friends who also live locally.

OP posts:

Brimorion · 17/08/2021 09:43

@MrsSkylerWhite

We’re you in a romantic relationship with him in the past? Going against the grain but if you were, I’d be a bit uncomfortable about it too.

If the OP knew him 20 years ago and says he’s been happily married for 28 years with adult children, and that his wife was present when they ran into each other, I think it’s pretty clear she’s unlikely to have been.

MrsSkylerWhite · 17/08/2021 09:44

2ddandabump

MrsSkylerWhite
We’re you in a romantic relationship with him in the past?
Going against the grain but if you were, I’d be a bit uncomfortable about it too.
Absolutely not, I knew him in a professional capacity. There is no romantic connection whatsoever. He just likes a beer and a chat and so do I. He is also friends with and drinks socially with some of my friends who also live locally.“

Ok. Don’t see the problem then

ImAddictedToMyPhone · 17/08/2021 09:45

Yabu for cancelling your drinks! Your husband sounds jealous, maybe that's because he knows you can do better.

Original poster

2ddandabump · 17/08/2021 09:46

@gannett

It would be a cold day in hell before any partner of mine felt they could have any opinion or say in which friends I chose to see and when.

Jealousy is such an unattractive trait.

I feel this as well and realise I should have stood firm. I'm a fully fledged grown up and have said that it's not his body that is unnattractive it's the way he speaks to me and behaves towards me.

OP posts:

urbanbuddha · 17/08/2021 09:55

He just likes a beer and a chat and so do I. He is also friends with and drinks socially with some of my friends who also live locally.

So re-schedule as a group.

Your DP is being ridiculous, but you know that. Deal with it in your own time but don't let him dictate to you like that. He's being a bully.

ponyexpress22 · 17/08/2021 09:59

Looking at it from this man's wife point of view.....she might not be happy about it. I wouldn't like my dh to be approached by a woman I'd never met arranging a meet up with him. He wouldn't like it if it was the other way round either.

user1471457751 · 17/08/2021 10:00

Your partner is ridiculous and you should try to rearrange if this guy is up for it. But I don't understand why you mentioned the guy's size to your partner - as his weight's a sensitive topic maybe he's wondering if you preferred him bigger?

Original poster

2ddandabump · 17/08/2021 10:07

@ponyexpress22

She was there when he suggested it, his job means he knows lots of people locally. He suggested it via fb messenger not me. He's a regular in the local pubs and a sociable guy. His fb posts show he clearly has a good relationship with his wife, mentioning their recent wedding anniversary and their adventures together. I I felt it was somethings she wouldn't be happy with I wouldn't have followed it up.

OP posts:

Original poster

2ddandabump · 17/08/2021 10:10

@user1471457751

In retrospect I wouldn't mention it now, but at the time it was an innocent comment, and not unusual for someone to comment on a dramatic change in someone's appearance since you last saw them.

If he is feeling insecure about his weight, of which I've been fully supportive, and encouraging him to make a GP appointment, then as my loving partner he should have talked to me about it rather than making hurtful snide remarks designed to hurt and upset me.

OP posts:

Flip