to have been upset by this assumption?

HaveringWavering · 2021-08-16T22:32:41+00:00

Someone I barely know congratulated me at work today on my pregnancy. How lovely, except that I’m not pregnant. I am perimenopausal and only had one child due to fertility issues. Thank God we were both wearing masks. I just mumbled something and walked off ( I was leaving anyway). Then I felt bad, as if I had been rude to her! It’s really brought back a lot of feelings I thought I had got over around not being able to have a second child. I know she meant well and I can see how my my outfit of today might have made it look that way (cringing at that choice and wondering who else might have seen me and thought the same), but surely there are lots of women with similar tummies and a fellow woman should know better than to assume? I’ve been behind a screen for most of the pandemic, was pretty blindsided by this happening the first time I showed my bottom half in a year!

Anordinarymum · 16/08/2021 23:36

When I was in my twenties and we were trying to get pregnant a man I worked with asked my husband if I was pregnant (I wasn't) because I was wearing a jumpsuit and it was unflattering. It made my tummy look big even though I was quite skinny back then.
I threw it away.

Tig33 · 16/08/2021 23:45

You poor thing. Hope you are ok. People should think before they open their mouths. I have been asked if I am pregnant on more than one occasion when I wasn’t. Once at a swimming pool (!) with my baby shortly after splitting up with his father. And once at a bit work event - I was standing in the middle of a public facing event greeting people when a colleague congratulated me on my pregnancy. Never wore that dress again. I am currently single and menopausal and look like I could be pregnant due to lock down weight gain but won’t take it well if anyone asks

crayray · 16/08/2021 23:47

I had the opposite- in early pregnancy I was telling a friend about being tired and constantly thirsty, and someone overheard and said 'menopause by any chance?'. I was equally mortified. On another occasion I've also had someone incorrectly assume I was pregnant based on the unflattering outfit I was wearing that day.

Meh - I'd feel worse if I was the person who said it!

GeorgiaGirl52 · 17/08/2021 00:28

When I worked in an elementary school (ages 5-11) I was frequently asked "Are you having a baby or are you just fat?" My answer was: "I am just fat, but that question can hurt people's feelings. Instead, why not say 'Hey, Miss Georgia, how are you today?' Every moment can be a teachable moment - even with clueless adults.

DinosaurDuvet · 17/08/2021 03:19

Awh hugs ❤️ I’ve had people ask me that before and it’s humiliating. Ironically when I was actually pregnant I didn’t look pregnant for ages, just more fat 🤷🏼‍♀️

I do have a friend that gets this question frequently but I think it’s because of the style of clothes she wears - they all look like maternity clothes

avamiah · 17/08/2021 03:55

That person is a nasty bit of work and that’s me being nice.
How dare she say that to you, nobody has the right to presume anything about you.
I’m sorry this happened to you and made you feel bad as you shouldn’t.

LimeRedBanana · 17/08/2021 04:01

It’s completely not OK to say that - even if you’re convinced someone is pregnant, you don’t say anything until they do.

This is entry level adulting, that even people with few social clues understand. Especially women.

She has marked herself out as a complete idiot.

For the record, I had someone say this to me once, wearing a floaty Empire line top. Threw it away when I got home!

avamiah · 17/08/2021 04:32

I don’t want to go off thread but about 14 years ago I was going out with this guy for about 6 months and we were sitting in my car about to go out for dinner and he asked me if I had ever been a man as he said I looked Manley from the side.??
Considering we had slept together many times I was completely shocked and speechless.

I had a new car and I actually think he was really jealous and a nasty person but it took me a long time to get over that comment and It took my confidence away for a while.

Some people are just Nasty

InTheNightWeWillWish · 17/08/2021 04:57

I was asked on the tube once. Well, twice actually. The first time, I think was genuine concern as the guy was offering me a seat. However, some twat a couple of seats down, who had heard me turn down the seat and noticed the embarrassed looks of me and the other guy, proceeded to ask again louder and then snigger when I said no again. I never wore that dress again! I’m pregnant at the minute but overweight, so I’ve not actually had anyone ask if I’m pregnant but a number of people (who know I’m pregnant) have said I’ve ‘popped’ and that still made me feel rubbish as it brought back memories of the incident on the tube.

I’m reminded of this meme.

Original poster

HaveringWavering · 17/08/2021 07:27

Thanks. As it was in the office I think it brought back memories of when I was pregnant with my son and, after having a hard time getting pregnant, I absolutely loved it when people there commented and congratulated me.

This woman doesn’t know me at all, she had literally just asked me to confirm my name so she could hand over an envelope to me. Perhaps she is out of practice at social contact with us all being out of the office for so long!

OP posts:

SchrodingersImmigrant · 17/08/2021 07:33

Didn't she confuse you with someone with skmilar name who she heard is pregnant? That would be my thought tbh

Betsythecheshirecat · 17/08/2021 07:42

Aw op what a way to make a person feel crap.

For my first mother's Day after ds was born my husband took me away to a lovely hotel. Ds was maybe coming up on a year old and I'd been working really hard to shift the baby weight. I was wearing lovely floaty tunic thing when we checked in.

Making small talk with receptionist, DH mentioned it was going to be my first mother's Day that weekend. The receptionist asked "oh when is baby due?"

I said he was eleven months old and her face just fell when she realised her mistake. She quickly fussed around talking about my top being a bit floaty. I had tears in my eyes because I thought I was.pooking so much nicer than normal.

She upgraded us to a beautiful suite though so at least I got something good out of it!

Banani · 17/08/2021 07:59

I’ve had this all my adult life. I’ve been every size from 6 to 18 and had it at every point, my shape just includes a prominent tummy. When I was younger I got very upset by it, have got better at brushing it off as I’ve got older, although rarely wear the outfits it’s happened in again.

Oogachuckachopsy · 17/08/2021 08:29

@InTheNightWeWillWish

I was asked on the tube once. Well, twice actually. The first time, I think was genuine concern as the guy was offering me a seat. However, some twat a couple of seats down, who had heard me turn down the seat and noticed the embarrassed looks of me and the other guy, proceeded to ask again louder and then snigger when I said no again. I never wore that dress again! I’m pregnant at the minute but overweight, so I’ve not actually had anyone ask if I’m pregnant but a number of people (who know I’m pregnant) have said I’ve ‘popped’ and that still made me feel rubbish as it brought back memories of the incident on the tube.

I’m reminded of this meme.

This has reminded me how much I hate the expression ‘popped’ about bumps. It’s gross.

Sorry people are such twats, everyone.

Oogachuckachopsy · 17/08/2021 08:30

@Betsythecheshirecat

Aw op what a way to make a person feel crap.

For my first mother's Day after ds was born my husband took me away to a lovely hotel. Ds was maybe coming up on a year old and I'd been working really hard to shift the baby weight. I was wearing lovely floaty tunic thing when we checked in.

Making small talk with receptionist, DH mentioned it was going to be my first mother's Day that weekend. The receptionist asked "oh when is baby due?"

I said he was eleven months old and her face just fell when she realised her mistake. She quickly fussed around talking about my top being a bit floaty. I had tears in my eyes because I thought I was.pooking so much nicer than normal.

She upgraded us to a beautiful suite though so at least I got something good out of it!

I’m sorry you were sad but I’m totally going to try this when I next stay at a hotel.

MrsTulipTattsyrup · 17/08/2021 08:32

The second time I had this (unsuccessful fertility treatment made me gain weight quickly) I was ready for her (she had form). I laughed out loud and said, “oh my god, no, I’m not! How embarrassing for you. But don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone you made a fool of yourself”.

It’s all on the person making the assumption. Don’t let it affect you - return the awkwardness to sender.

BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 17/08/2021 08:33

When I worked as a body piercer, a really sweet lady came in with her daughter who wanted a piercing.

As I was setting everything up, the mum said, all cheery "Is that a little bump I can see?"

I laughed and said "Nope, I just eat too many crisps" and the poor woman looked absolutely mortified. She was so lovely that I couldn't have been offended if I'd tried!

Aprilx · 17/08/2021 08:38

I have always had this as I seem to put on weight around my tummy first. I have learned to look people in the eye back and say “nope too many cupcakes” or “no just fat” or similar. I do get that it hurts, I could not have children so that stung an extra bit too, but I said to myself, well I am carrying a bit of extra weigh, people can just see it.

If it happens now I would be pleased that I still look of child bearing age. 😊

Aozora13 · 17/08/2021 08:41

I once had a very sweet lady in an ice cream stall give me an extra scoop “for the baby”… There was no baby, just period bloating and an outfit I didn’t wear again until I was actually pregnant.

Cap89 · 17/08/2021 08:49

I just don’t understand why people do this! I feel like it’s one of those things everyone knows that you NEVER assume. It happened to me when I was trying to get pregnant with my first. She actually came up to me, touched my stomach and said the words ‘am I being incredibly rude or do you have some good news?’!!!! I just replied ‘no, you are just being incredibly rude!’ I was very pleased with myself for actually saying it. She was my line manager and a lovely lady, but it was such a stupid thing to say. I threw that jumper away!

Harlequin1088 · 17/08/2021 08:52

I have had this happen to me twice.

Once when a complete stranger went "Oooooh, congratulations!" and - horror of horrors - made a grasp for my tummy. I stepped backwards out of her reach and just replied, "No, evidently I'm just fat but thank you for pointing it out".

The second time was absolutely tragic as we'd just had an ectopic pregnancy. I was very ill in hospital, lost my baby and a Fallopian tube to boot. A month or two after the loss, we were out shopping as a family (my partner and two stepsons with me) and walking down the High Street when an elderly couple stopped us to admire my dog. After fussing my dog for a couple of minutes, the old guy turns to me and says, "How long have you got left?" and pointing at my stomach. I didn't twig immediately what he meant so he reiterated and said, "You're pregnant, aren't ya?" I just burst into tears and my partner had to step in and quietly point out that we'd actually just lost a baby hence my reaction. The old couple got very defensive and the old lady said, "Well my husband didn't mean anything by it! You should really tell people that sort of thing to avoid this embarrassment!" As if I should have to go around town telling everyone my sorrow just in case somebody wants to be completely inappropriate and ask if I'm pregnant! Perhaps they shouldn't go around asking people if they're expecting in the first place?

As it happens, I am currently 5 weeks pregnant but nobody has asked yet...

Original poster

HaveringWavering · 17/08/2021 10:14

Congratulations @Harlequin1088! Thanks for the solidarity everyone.

The stories about people making a grab for the "bump" really bring home how intrusive it is to touch a bump when someone really IS pregnant because the idea of touching someone's stomach at any other time is so obviously inappropriate, even to an incurable bump- toucher!

OP posts:

itbereet · 17/08/2021 10:18

I get this all the time, especially since having my last, quite large baby nearly 10 years ago. I just have a big stomach and now that I've fat all over it evens out

I was devastated when younger as I struggled to have kids and had IVF, so it really hurt when strangers made comments. When people mention it now, I lovingly rub my tum and call it my beer baby. They usually walk away embarrassed.

No one should comment on the shape of your body or make assumptions, and I'm comfortable telling them so now but it took until my late 40s to stop giving a shit about other people's opinions.

Harlequin1088 · 17/08/2021 11:56

@HaveringWavering

Congratulations *@Harlequin1088*! Thanks for the solidarity everyone.

The stories about people making a grab for the "bump" really bring home how intrusive it is to touch a bump when someone really IS pregnant because the idea of touching someone's stomach at any other time is so obviously inappropriate, even to an incurable bump- toucher!

Thank you!☺️

Martinisarebetterdirty · 17/08/2021 13:05

@InTheNightWeWillWish

I was asked on the tube once. Well, twice actually. The first time, I think was genuine concern as the guy was offering me a seat. However, some twat a couple of seats down, who had heard me turn down the seat and noticed the embarrassed looks of me and the other guy, proceeded to ask again louder and then snigger when I said no again. I never wore that dress again! I’m pregnant at the minute but overweight, so I’ve not actually had anyone ask if I’m pregnant but a number of people (who know I’m pregnant) have said I’ve ‘popped’ and that still made me feel rubbish as it brought back memories of the incident on the tube.

I’m reminded of this meme.

@InTheNightWeWillWish you should have said oooh yes thank you I’d love your seat to the second guy - he wouldn’t have ever asked anyone again and would have put it all back on him - what a twat he was.