To step away from a friend who is suffering depression?

[wannahelp]

My best friend is suffering from depression. No big event that triggered it, she's just feeling very low and has been for a few months.

I want to help her, I really do. And I have been.

However, I'm am so drained. Nothing I say is right, I feel like I'm forever on egg shells and waiting for her to snap at me (yet again) at all times.

I have some good things going on in my life at the moment and she's asked me not to talk about them as they make her feel low. Or if I do talk about them, the conversation is very brief and terse.

She cancel plans last minute which is really tough as I have to book babysitters or just have one precious night a week while my kids are with their dad. I started to just go ahead and make different plans but then she makes me feel terribly guilty if I'm not available to see her.

She's upsetting many other friends too at the moment and I'm just exhausted.

Everything has to be on her terms right now. If she's feeling ok - everything's great - we make plans, life is fun. If she's not, it's like we're all expected to shut down too, or to feel guilty for continuing with our lives. She does very little to help herself much of the time. She's seeing a counsellor but won't see the GP for medication or even consider taking up a hobby etc.

I need some space from it but equally I have suffered with poor mental health myself and I cannot bear to think of not supporting her when she needs me or worse still, being the cause of even worse mental health for her.

I am torn between:

1. continuing with the unwavering support and just soldiering through, 2) addressing it head on and telling her she's really upsetting those of us around her, or....
2. stepping away entirely for now.

The thing with being friends with people with mental health problems is that the friendship easily turns into a patient-counsellor one. If you can accept that kind of dynamics, that's fine. But it's also understandable if you can't. In which case, I think the other person deserves to know that you'll be backing off a little bit, and explain to them that it's not because you don't like them anymore, but you just struggle with not being able to share the goods and bads of your own life, and being cancelled on last minute so often.

3 would be unreasonable
1 would be tough on your mental health
2 will be hard to get her to rationalise in her current state

You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Discuss with her that you can’t be there for all the time but true friendship isn’t a fair weather thing. Imagine if someone said her cancer treatment is draining me. If she feels sick and rubbish, she makes us feel guilty for being well but if she’s ok, it’s great because we can pretend she’s not ill. Her mental health isn’t any different really

I have some good things going on in my life at the moment and she's asked me not to talk about them as they make her feel low.

This isn’t a friendship. It’s not okay at all.

You have to look after yourself first, I’d step well back.

3 would be unreasonable

Of course it wouldn’t. This is supposed to be a friendship, a two way street, it’s not a client/therapist dynamic.

Honestly in your position I would step back, your own mental health is very important too, i don’t think anyone should ever sacrifice their own mental happiness for the sake of others.

I’ve been in your friends position, and when I came out of that period of depression I could see how draining I was on those around me, and didn’t blame those who walked away.

I do worry about ending up like that again but again would never blame anyone who chose to not be there.

Those aren’t your only options. You can pull back without dropping her entirely.

Arrange to see other friends instead, don’t be endlessly available to her, set boundaries.

For instance “Don’t tell me your happy news” is entirely unreasonable. You can put it to her that either you can talk about things in your life - including the good stuff - and she can be happy for you or you don’t get together as often, because being forbidden to talk about certain subjects isn’t how friendships work.

You can still support her without taking on responsibility for her mental health. You aren’t her emotional support human, you’re her mate. Keep your own mental health in mind and see her only as much as feels good to you.

You need to look after yourself first so take a step back, you don't have to cut her off completely but don't make all your spare time revolve around her.

You also have a right to be happy and her asking you not to talk about what is going well for you is not mh issues, that's just being an arse!

None.
4) Take a partial step back.

I don't think it's unreasonable to want to put your own mental health and happiness first. I cut off a friendship at the start of this year as they used to become extremely verbally abusive when going through a depressive episode to the point where it was making me ill. My 30th birthday was ruined by their torrents of abuse but if I voiced my unhappiness with the situation I was told that I was self centred and a shit friend.

Thanks all. It's such a tough one. I didn't realise how much it was bothering me until people around me pointed out how much it was draining me and I realised I needed to change the dynamic.

You can’t pour from an empty cup.

Take a step back for a bit and when you feel ready, do what you feel you can without harming yourself

Depression can be a very selfish illness, in that they can only see how everything affects them.

However Depression also does not give anyone the right to act like a complete cow.

You need to protect your own MH by doing what is best for you.... just like she is i.e therapy and not taking medication. If that means stepping back then so be it.

I'd also not arrange to just meet with her so if she inevitability cancels you still have others to go with

Step away.

She needs to pay someone to listen to her and counsel her.

If she is clinically depressed she will need medication before she can benefit from counselling. Encourage her to go to her GP, offer to go with her. Did she get her counsellor from the nhs?

I agree with partially stepping back.

As a first step, it is absolutely fine for you to use your child free night exactly as you want to. Stop feeling guilty about that. Remember, she can't MAKE you feel guilty - she can try, but you can refuse to feel guilty as you know you are doing a lot for her and sometimes she asks too much. You have nothing to feel guilty about and it's the depression talking when she tries to make you feel bad.

she sounds like a bit of a self indulgent whinger who is expecting everyone to dance to her tune. Im not saying shes not depressed, but you dont have to accept being treated badly.
I would take a step back and make more time for your other friends. Not cut her out, but certainly dont revolve your socialising around what upsets her or doesnt upset her.

IME just say, look, I care about you but I need to time on my own for a bit. I'll ring you in a week to see how you are getting on.

Don't see her face to face but be available on the phone and on social media until YOU feel ready to see her again.

I took a mix of options 2 and 3 - I stepped away but did try to explain why, by email.

Our relationship had become a patient-counsellor one, every email from her was a lengthy one telling me how she was feeling and analysing in detail relationships which had gone wrong and situations which had happened. I felt obliged to reply with equally long emails with reassurances, suggestions for how to improve things and just general thoughts on her situation. The same happened when we met in person - her telling me all her problems, me trying to give advice. I felt like I was her counsellor and felt completely out of my depth, and utterly exhausted and drained.

She also became very demanding of my time, jealous of me seeing other friends, and telling me I wasn't spending enough time with her. She told me I was an awful friend and selfish for not accepting every single social invitation from her. She had tried medication and stopping taking it, started counselling and stopped it, and refused to try either again, despite me encouraging her to do so. I just couldn't be her counsellor anymore, and ultimately I had to look after my own mental health.

I'm sure some people would think what I did was terrible, but everyone has their own limits on what they can cope with, and how much their own mental health can take before breaking. Some may have coped better than I did. OP I think you need to see her only as much as you can cope with.

There is no way I'd step completely back from any of my friends if the hit a bad stop with depression. However, they have all been my friends for 40 odd years in very equal and loving friendships. I'd tell them straight what they were doing and how it was making me feel.

If this was a fairly new friendship I would possibly step back a little and tell her how she was making me feel.

I have some good things going on in my life at the moment and she's asked me not to talk about them as they make her feel low.

I've had periods of severe depression in the past. But I would never dream of saying anything like this to a friend, let alone one who is supporting me.

Snapping at you and expecting you and others to shut down your lives as it were is also not acceptable. This is not necessarily behaviour caused by mental health problems. Most people I know when depressed become very withdrawn and unsociable.

It is ok to take a step back if you are drained, and protect your own mental health.

I think you should step away. It's totally ok to have boundaries and look after yourself.

You shouldn't be feeling bad because of her issues. Give yourself some space and cut yourself some slack.

1. Lifes too short.

Unfortunately her behaviour is very typical with depression.

Given she's a close friend, I think I would talk to her. Let her know, in a kind way, how you feel. That you're starting to feel it's having a negative effect on you and whilst you want to support her, you don't know how without her snapping at you.

I would try to stick it out as you'll always look back with regret if this spells the end of the friendship. And if you can't rely on bestfriends then who can you rely on.

But set boundaries and communicate. She may be depressed but she needs to know where you stand and what you are and aren't willing to put up with.

Step back. As someone who’s been there as the person with depression, friends are nice to have but it takes professional help to get better. Having crutches like yourself makes it easier to avoid that fact - you’re effectively an enabler. And if her illness is mild enough that she doesn’t need professional help, she should also still have enough insight to know how she treats you is not on!

I have severe depression and am frequently feeling suicidal . I have four best friends, but only really contact them infrequently though for this very reason. Every 1-2 months sometimes more.

I understand that it is hard to constantly provide that amount of support and you don't have to set yourself on fire to keep others warm. My therapist would deal with me.