TW: I just want to cut them all off

[NC211]

NC, I just need advice as I'm so mixed up

My parents are divorced (20+ years ago). It wasn't pleasant and I spent my childhood caught in the middle with what I've later worked out were lies on both sides.

I reconnected with my dad in my 20s and we were more friends than dad daughter iykwim. But my mum was abusive to me and I found it really hard living with her. He always said I could come and stay with him whenever I needed to get away.

One day, he pulled that offer, saying he didn't want to get involved. It turned out that my parents had spoken and she (somehow) had got him to back off.

TW: I attempted suicide as I felt so trapped. I was in ICU. When I spoke to dad afterwards he said he didn't come to see me because he didn't see the need.

Now he's unwell and wants me to visit. I agreed but cancelled as its brought up a lot of feelings. We spoke and, according to him, he spoke to my siblings (im NC with) at the time of the suicide attempt who all said "don't worry shes being dramatic" and that's why he didn't come.

This could be a lie, but they're also selfish and lack emotional maturity, so maybe its true. I'm not dramatic nor have I ever done anything like this or since so on the one hand it seems a leap that all siblings would say this, but also they don't deal with feelings well. Maybe its true, maybe its a version of the truth my dad is spinning. I have no idea.

But I'm so hurt. I just want to cut them all off right now.

I don't even know what I'm asking. I suppose at this moment I don't want a relationship with any of them. Would that be unfair?

I dont know the answer my sweet but sending lots of love

YANBU. The only person you need to worry about being fair to is yourself.

No it’s not unfair to want to cut them off.
They sound very abusive.

Going NC with parents is difficult even if they are horrible. Going LC (low contact) is a middle ground, you can try for a few months (if you’re not sure if you really want to cut them off or to make the transition to NC easier) or forever. You choose.
Just think about what YOU makes you feel better. You owe them nothing.

Do what works for you. I’m NC with both parents and 2 siblings. I’m very close to the other sibling. Years of tolerating their behaviour almost led me to a breakdown. I put myself first about 2 years ago now and it was the best decision for me. I hope you find what works for you.

I'm so sorry for what you went through. I suppose the question is, if your dad died would you regret not seeing him?

It's not about fair or not. You get to choose who to have in your life. You don't need to see your father, or your mother, or your siblings unless you want to.

I can't imagine being kept from the hospital bed of my suicidal teen by something their siblings said.

If you have a good relationship with the siblings now, I'd consider that they are far older and wiser now than they were then, assuming they were still young at the time. It will have been hard for them to negotiate your parents chaos, too. Also he says 'siblings' does that mean all of them were equally responsible for what was said? I doubt we can know now. So I'd not use this to judge your siblings for.
I might ask them now what they thought when you were hospitalised, see how they respond. That might be illuminating.

💐

I can't imagine being kept from the hospital bed of my suicidal teen by something their siblings said.

This is the part I don't get. Apparently he spent more time calling around that just getting in the car

Do what's right for you and take care of yourself.

You absolutely put one person first here, that's you!

If you want to go, then go, if you don't, then don't.

So not go out of FOG (fear, obligation of guilt).

Whatever your decision, as long as it's right for you, then it's right.

Good luck

*do not

When my (alcoholic) DF was dying I did go and see him, purely so that any possibility of feeling guilty that I hadn't when he died was removed. For me it was the right thing to do but you do what you need to do for you.

@Mantlemoose

When my (alcoholic) DF was dying I did go and see him, purely so that any possibility of feeling guilty that I hadn't when he died was removed. For me it was the right thing to do but you do what you need to do for you.

This is my hesitation. Hes not "dying" but he has had serious surgery and has made peace with my siblings (who he was also NC with). He seems to want me to make peace too but then drops this bombshell? It feels more like he was just shit stirring and I want no part of this drama

. You don’t owe anyone anything least of all your time. Who was there for you In your darkest hour. You get on with your life and just worry about yourself. To paraphrase what I’ve just come said once again “No one studied you”
I hope you’ve found or soon find peace xx

If he is seriously unwell, it is worth considering it very carefully for your own sake - if he dies, you will never feel any kind of catharsis or closure which you may possibly get if you do go

I get what you're saying @EvenRosesHaveThorns I bit was more "i have a medical drama and need you" in the automatic sense sense that most people would iykwim? I am not impressed with the stuff that has come out subsequently.

Well it looks like my dad is sulking anyway I have the silent treatment for daring to have an opinion.

Let him sulk.

I can’t imagine not visiting suicidal child in the hospital.What parent would leave their child in the darkest hour.

You owe him,your mother and your siblings nothing.

Do they bring anything positive to your life? If not then forget any reconciliation as you’ll be always painted as the bad guy.

@FrenchBoule very good point. I'm struggling with the "nasty" vs the "nice" right now.

I know the conflicting opinions are hurtful but they are the right ones.

Fuck that-the old goat had surgery and he wants to play the loving family man while he left you to be abused by mummy dearest? And ghosted you in ICU? The only way I'd visit would be to disconnect his life support

@EKGEMS that made me laugh