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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that co-parenting can work?

10 replies

Copper2020 · 16/08/2021 01:19

We are best friends and have just fallen out of husband and wife love with each other.

Am I delusional to think that co parenting can work? Not at each other’s throats, want the best for each other, have even said we will still do things as a family with our young kids on a weekly basis.

Am I in dreamland?

OP posts:
Rtmhwales · 16/08/2021 01:24

My good friend and her ex husband manage it brilliantly. He even bought her gifts (from him) for Christmas and her birthday, and she does the same. They routinely help each other out and have zero issues with last minute changes. They each have new partners (including him with the other woman..) and it still works well.

That said, they're the only ones I know who don't have issues.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 16/08/2021 02:06

Yes and no.

I had a bit of an unpleasant split and drew a very firm line in the sand from the start that I would never ever do the whole "still spend time together" thing - our lives were separate now and we'd behave as such. I've seen others do it with the best of intentions and most of the time everyone had a shit and tense day out.

The arrangement with exH and I works well and the kids are (mostly) fine. I don't have to do the wife admin still, or organise days out, or check in with anyone, or work round anybody else. Everyone knows where they stand. He does my thing and I do mine.

I think the place you're in now, days out together may seem like a lovely idea but the reality is even amicable divorces have tinges of unpleasantness and, to be frank, why would you want to put yourself through being around your ex all the time? When would the days out end? And what happens when (not if) one of you meets someone new? Not many people are willing to jolly along on days out with their new girlfriend/boyfriends ex.

Plus it's confusing for the kids. One thing I was mindful of, DS was only 2 but DD was 6 when we split, and rightly or wrong at least for a while every child wants their parents to get back together. DD did. And Jolly hockey sticks days out doesn't quite send the right message that 'we are split up and that won't be changing'.

However, I have to say it would be nice to get along and share views about how to raise the children and be on the same page with exH. But for many reasons that isn't going to happen and my DC come home from their dads with some very interesting things to say about what they did, what he told them etc. For example, DS is now 5 and a very sensitive boy and exH constantly tells him to 'man up' and 'boys don't cry/get upset' Angry whereas I'd be the opposite and telling him it to hide his emotions. you can see how it didn't work out between us!

It would be amazing if exH and I shared the same beliefs and values on how to raise children so if you can both ace that, more power to you!

Catflapkitkat · 16/08/2021 02:06

'You wait till he gets on Tinder, see how much he co-parents then'. Liz from Motherland

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 16/08/2021 02:08

*NOT to hide his emotions.

Note to self: start proof reading your posts Frangi!

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 16/08/2021 02:08

@Catflapkitkat

'You wait till he gets on Tinder, see how much he co-parents then'. Liz from Motherland
😂😂😂 love that show
PinniGig · 16/08/2021 02:11

I think it absolutely can happen and will work if both parents are on the same page. Very few if any couples have an amicable split but even where one person is unhappy and would rather see through their troubles, if they can and have the strength to seperate their own feelings and parent their children as best they can to minimise the fallout - absolute hats off and 100% respect.

I think many couples if they're honest are already living under the same roof, raising their kids and going through what could be described as simple co-parenting / house sharing but they maybe lack the ability to realise their marriage as it was has hit the skids.

Knowing a marriage has fizzled out and having the courage, conviction and strength of character to face up to that is undoubtedly the hardest step.

You sound as if that's not an issue and as though both of you are in full agreement this is what you want and in that case - hats off and I sincerely hope it works out well for you all.

HirplesWithHaggis · 16/08/2021 02:12

It absolutely can work! My ds and his ex were teenage parents, and unsurprisingly it didn't work. Dgs is 12 now and while there have been odd blips, they coparent really well. And dgs is a credit to them both.

Tulips15 · 16/08/2021 02:17

It can work, worked for us last 7 yrs- few issues his side at times, mainly when a new gf comes along and they cant understand that, at drop off evey 3 weeks ( 2hr 30 round trip for each of us) v.occasionally, we could have coffee at the service station and not be fucking in the carpark, infront of the dc🤦‍♀️
We havent had coffee for about 2yrs now, just easier for him than be accused I guess.
Overall, we work well in raising the kids I think

Bunnycat101 · 16/08/2021 02:41

Are you actually sure your marriage can’t be saved? Not many people describe the person their about to divorce as their best friend.

Hekatestorch · 16/08/2021 06:24

Absolutely co parenting can work. Usually, if both parents and future partners are all on the same page, amicable and don't do things that hurt the kids because they are pissed off.

In my experience, problems usually arrive when someone meets a new partner. Its not always the new partners fault. But the change in dynamic can change a formally good co parent into someone who battles every step

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