To share infertility plans with MIL?

LondonTTC · 2021-08-16T00:16:31+00:00

I would love to hear from those who are mother in laws. I have been with my husband for 16 years and have a very good relationship with my mother in law. My DH also does. I have known her since I was a teenager when my mother died. We recently shared with her that we are several years down the line of trying to start a family and are beginning IVF. We felt as a couple that we needed to 'let someone in'. My DH has said he is happy to share our journey with her (it is private except for our closest friends who are a married couple). If you were my DHs MIL, how much would you feel comfortable discussing? If it were my own mother, I would discuss it with her at each step but I don't want my own experiences and wish to share to make my MIL feel uncomfortable. I feel I would like to discuss it with family at each stage but I appreciate the relationship is different and I'm finding it tricky to navigate. Will also post in infertility. Thanks in advance.

Ponoka7 · 16/08/2021 02:02

That's subjective. I'm a very open person. I've worked in healthcare and have a good relationship with my adult children. So there's nothing I wouldn't be comfy with if my DIL needed to share. I wouldn't ask because I'd go on the assumption that if she wanted me to know she'd tell me.

Lockdownbear · 16/08/2021 02:13

It's fab you have an amazing relationship with your MIL. I assume it's a typo where you describe her as Husbands MIL.

Personally I never said much about going through IVF. I'd had enough of telling people about IUI and the following disappointments. I told my mum we were going for IVF, and the odd occasion I needed a babysitter for DS1, ie egg retrieval. And told her it failed.
I didn't say anything about the FET. Lovely surprise when I got to announce that pregnancy.

Personally I'd tell as much as you feel you need her to know to support you.

Good luck.

Nightlystroll · 16/08/2021 02:15

Your MIL is your husbands mother so she would be she'll be as invested in the outcome as your mum would have been. You say you have a good relationship with her. Do you have a reason why you think she'd be uncomfortable discussing what you're going through? Personally I'd be honoured if my DIL felt close enough and safe enough to discuss something so personal with me. My only concern would be that you felt comfortable talking to me, rather than you worrying about me. Like pp above, I'd wait for my DIL to start the conversation so I wouldn't overstep.
Good luck with everything.

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 16/08/2021 02:29

You have a good relationship with her you say. Could you ask her how much she would want to know. I'm a MIL and my DILs mother has passed away. If she wanted to talk to me about these things I would love it. But I understand not everyone is the same. So simply ask her.

Saoirse82 · 16/08/2021 02:50

I'm not a mother in law but I have been through ivf and have spoken freely about it with my MIL. She was as invested as us. I think the majority would feel this way, some people are open about their fertility journey and others like to keep it private so your MIL will likely wait to see what you're comfortable with sharing. Good luck with your treatment

Aquamarine1029 · 16/08/2021 04:03

Once you let someone in, it's very hard to keep them out. I am a very private person and would not be sharing every detail with anyone, never mind my husband's mother. I have never dealt with IVF, however as a mother I can imagine how sensitive and stressful this process is, yet I know I don't even know the half of it. You have to be comfortable with what you're sharing and also be aware that your MIL may not want to know every detail. It's a complicated situation but I wish you the very best.

PinniGig · 16/08/2021 04:06

I'd be flattered at being the person they trusted enough to share this with if I'm honest but I'm as open, upfront and direct as it gets.

Even still if I were you, it might be best to hold off the finer graphic deets and be mindful of what you share, sort of feel your way around how much is too much and wait until you're asked and feel sure MIL is comfortable first.

Just keep her up to speed on where things are as you but be a little shy with volunterring over and above the basics unless and until she asks and you know she's comfortable.

Good luck!

Original poster

LondonTTC · 16/08/2021 07:34

Goodness, thank you so much everyone for your thoughtful replies. Yes a typo - my husband's mother.

She is very open and kind so we're hoping we can share milestones with her but as some previous posters have advised, not all of the specific details. We live quite far away from her and have for several years so we felt this might be a way to keep her connected to us too.

Your messages wishing good luck feel very supportive. Thank you.

OP posts:

ThinWomansBrain · 16/08/2021 07:39

If you're close enough to want to discuss it with her, can't you have a conversation about how much she wants to be involved, and let her know that if she ever feels uncomfortable with the level of detail, to let you know?

TheWayTheLightFalls · 16/08/2021 07:51

You (both) know her best and you're in a good position to think about what you're comfortable sharing. I haven't gone through IVF myself but the little I know suggests it is a rollercoaster of emotions and that you'd do well to have the support of appropriate family and friends .

HeyMona · 16/08/2021 08:37

I think it's more about the relationship you have and your individual personalitites rather than her being your MIL that will determine how much you share.
My sister shared all the details with her MIL (and everyone else, because she is an open book). Some of the details she shared made my mum blush a bit (but she is a bit of a prude) but my dad took it all in his stride listening to how they retrieve the eggs etc, he was quite fascinated.
I've also had IVF and only DH and one friend know apart from the medical teams but I'm a private person.

It sounds like you and DH would benefit from chatting to your MIL. Maybe start off with telling her it's all quite new to you and ask how involved she wants to be. You might find she's the type to do a bit of research about it or just sit back and wait for you both to give her details.
One thing to bear in mind that if you tell people when you are having a transfer they will naturally expect to be informed of the outcome, so you might want to keep dates vague - or not, up to you. Good luck with it.

Original poster

LondonTTC · 16/08/2021 08:57

It's really helpful to hear the perspectives of others, including those who have experienced treatment or known friends/family that have.

I guess when you're on this journey you can just feel so alone and overwhelmed. It's hard.

OP posts:

Erictheavocado · 16/08/2021 09:12

Hi. I am a MIL . If either of my DILs chose to share such personal information with me, I would feel very honoured and privileged. I would try to be supportive (I say try, because I would take my lead from them and what they wanted from me). I am very fortunate that I have very good relationships with both my DILs, to the point where the DIL2, frequently asks help and advice from me rather than her own DM.
I would not have shared any information with my own MIL who was a judgemental and spiteful woman who would have used the information against me.

Holly60 · 16/08/2021 09:43

It’s so lovely to hear a poster on here have such a positive relationship between them and their MIL. What seems common place IRL (I adore my DIL) seems so rare on MN for some reason.

I would definitely want my DS and DDIL to feel happy sharing their IVF journey and hope they would share as much as they wanted to. I would say that if you feel your MIL is holding back it might be that she really wants to be lead bu the both of you rather than asking lots of questions she might not know if you want to be asked. Maybe have a chat with her and tell her you would like to discuss it and be open, and as part of that you are happy for her to ask any questions she has and bring it up. Explain perhaps that you will tell her if you have a time when you DONT want to talk about it, for example. Basically reassure her that she won’t be overstepping by asking about it.

Greenrubber · 16/08/2021 09:51

@LondonTTC

It's so nice you have a great relationship with your MIL

Personally I would speak to her and find out what she thinks! I know my MIL would want to know everything but everyone is different of you speak to her first then you can set ant boundaries that need setting straight away

BatshitBanshee · 16/08/2021 10:02

I would give her the "headlines" as it were and then say you're open for questions (if you are) then let her know that you don't want to make her uncomfortable so if there's any part she doesn't want to know, to tell you. Great that you have such a good relationship, best of luck OP

NinaBallerinaShoes · 16/08/2021 10:07

Personally, I would share your “journey” with as few people as possible until you are successful. IME, the more people know, the more pressure you may feel keeping them in the loop.

Ozanj · 16/08/2021 10:10

She might want to know everything like my Mil did. Which was fine by me as I adore her. But she took failed transfers so, so hard; even worse than us, that eventually DH and I decided not to go into quite so much detail.

Tigger85 · 16/08/2021 10:21

It's best to ask her how much she wants to know, also you need to be sure that she will absolutely keep it private. I made the mistake of telling my own mother about our treatment believing I could trust her and she would support us. She used my private medical information as idle gossip with her friends, her hair dresser, her clients (she's a childminder and told all the gorey details to the parents of the children). I was incredibly upset that she was talking to people I don't even know without my permission or knowledge about invasive procedures on my genitals. She did the same when we found out our baby was very very sick and we had to make a choice about tfmr. Due to our experience we no longer share any details with anyone about IVF or pregnancy.

dreamersdown · 16/08/2021 11:12

I agree with others to share headlines, and while I agree you could ask her what she’d like to know, I think it’s super super important to set out YOUR boundaries. Some I told texted me every day: “how are your injections today?!” which I hated on days I just wanted to crack on. My mother in law is a lovely woman but would send me links to articles “why just going on holiday and relaxing made me fall pregnant!” or really basic IVF stuff that actually just annoyed me. So make it clear what YOU need when you tell her, and how you need her to play it too.

Yokey · 16/08/2021 11:25

You're happy to share but you're not sure how much your MIL is happy to hear? You know her best, but I would think it unusual for a caring MIL to prefer not to hear about it. Is there a reason you think she might prefer not to?

I had IVF and I told those close to me. My partner preferred not to tell his parents so I respected his wishes, but I would have told them. That said, my IVF worked first time and I was excited about finally being in with a chance of pregnancy. I imagine, as PP has said, that openess might become more problematic if there is heartbreak and multiple failures along the way.

Good luck with your treatment!

Lockdownbear · 17/08/2021 10:34

@Tigger85

It's best to ask her how much she wants to know, also you need to be sure that she will absolutely keep it private. I made the mistake of telling my own mother about our treatment believing I could trust her and she would support us. She used my private medical information as idle gossip with her friends, her hair dresser, her clients (she's a childminder and told all the gorey details to the parents of the children). I was incredibly upset that she was talking to people I don't even know without my permission or knowledge about invasive procedures on my genitals. She did the same when we found out our baby was very very sick and we had to make a choice about tfmr. Due to our experience we no longer share any details with anyone about IVF or pregnancy.

I've been on the receiving end of that, details about Mils, friends, daughters, cervix and how many cm dilated

no consideration that the lady wouldn't want details to be discussed with random folk or that she might be in pain or discomfort just blasè "we'll both be Grannies by the weekend"

I don't know the friend never mind the daughter. Yet I was supposed to be excited about this gossip.

Having not long had my own baby I really felt glad I hadn't shared any information.
Incidently I commented with my second baby 'they didn't want me to go over my date' FIL replied 'that's not true they let Bob's daughter go over her date'.

WFT Bob's daughter had to do with me and my pregnancy I don't know, however I let it slide, then they got upset they were miles away when Baby was born.

My LO was ill in hospital on oxygen and drips MIL wanted a photo to shoe Fil. I said no it was unfair to LO. The real reason I said no is I didn't want his photo used as a proper for gossip at the social club.

Op do think carefully about what you share. Once it's out there you can't unshare it.