Confused

[confusedaf29]

Crap title sorry and NC

I'll try to keep this short.

Been in a relationship with DH for 12 years. DH has BPD , we have 2 children 1 with special needs.

DH is extremely affectionate, would
Literally do anything for me and kids. I think it's what attracted me to him in the first place. Wasn't used to it.

Fairly quickly after getting together he became jealous, controlling etc but when pregnant DC1 got diagnosed with a brain condition and I kind of put it all to the back of my mind. Years went by getting accused , lost some friends etc. I then found out he was texting another girl he met sexually. Not sure if anything else went on. I tried for 18 months to get over it. I couldn't - the accusations continued and so I ended it.

Since splitting 4 months ago it's been hell. Still accusing me, so up and down one minute being nice to me , the other completely shutting down. We've tried to stay civil for the kids but the arguments have been relentless. I've been at my wits end.

3 weeks ago I ended up on crutches. Obv with school holidays and with both children it's been difficult but I tried on my own to not ask for help ( I have no family locally ) from him. In the end after him offering I agreed he could
Help. I ended up having a drink and sleeping with him, and for a few days it was so nice to have that nice side of him back, I agreed to not message anyone else and to see if we could
Take it slow and make things work. He's now having counselling and on medication and promises me that things will change.

It seemed like a good plan but now I'm wondering what the hell im playing at. I wasn't happy , I was finally ( albeit fed up of his constant texting and accusations ) starting to get on with my life without him. I'd been on a dating site and just having harmless banter and getting into the swing of being single.

He's been a mess since we split up and I can't speak to my friends or family about any of this because I know they'll say it's my own fault as they all feel bad for him and that 'he's hurting ' and I shouldn't have slept with him etc. Tbh at this point I'm not sure who is more in the wrong , I feel like I am and I'm annoyed at myself for taking 10 steps back and also giving him hope when actually I'm now wondering if that's what I want.

I'm so confused. I said to him earlier, I want to slow things down and not sleep together anymore, I could tell he was pissed off but said 'that's fine, what can I do it's up to you ' I just feel like shit.

Dunno what I'm asking tbh - just needed to say it someone Cus I can't anyone else and feeling really confused and lost with it all.

hi @confusedaf29 it sounds as if you regret sleeping with him and in a moment of weakness when he was going through a good patch you ended up in bed together?
so to help you frame your question, are you wondering how to get out of this situation?

I think you're only human at the end of the day and these things happen....

Yes, I think that is what I'm asking. How do I get out of this situation?

It's difficult. I do love him, I still fancy him. We have good sex and we have a laugh but I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that it isn't right and I can't shake it. Half of me is like , let's see how this goes .. maybe it'll work out fine and we can be a family and happy the other half of me wants him as far away from me as possible. It's fucked up I know

I think its understandable. life can have many grey areas sometimes. its such a shame it can't work between you. But on balance you seem to think it can't judging by your post.

Maybe clarify in your head (rather than your heart or any other part of your body ) that it can't work, write down the reasons maybe as a list.

the hard part is finding the strength to stick to it. perhaps there are adjustments you can make in other areas of life to make you stronger and more grounded so you stick to what you say ypu think is best (ie to split) in the long run?

op really sorry I'm going to have to run as one of the dcs is playing up, I really hope more posters will come and support you soon x

How long has he been having counselling?I think it needs a lot of time and work on his part to actually make a change rather than just trying to then slipping back into old habits

I think you can write this off as a mistake and then go back to you getting on with your life without him in your home and head.

After all, you're already regretting it. Don't make your life worse by going back there when your instinct is telling you it's a really, really bad idea now you've tried it.

No, that's fine. Thanks so much for your time. I just needed someone to hear me so really
Appreciate your advice and commenting. You've made me think. There are things I need to change about myself to make me feel stronger, I do already know this though - implementing them as much as I'd like to has been a struggle though. Hope your son settles.

Absolutely agree - I know he won't be better for a long long time, this is why I don't know why I've done this. Feel so fucking stupid and also awful cus possibly hindering his own recovery

morning op hope you had an OK night.

just to say don't beat yourself up, I spilt up with father of dd1 ages ago, but he would occasionally make a play for me, coming round with wine and being nice. I was tempted tbh as my life seemed so lonely then, but things were never that great between us us so I resisted. but I remember the force of the pull, you have shared memories, experiences, also dc between you and in my case there was no one else to be as interested in my dd as he was.

I'd say take some time to work out what you want and what's best for your dc. don't let the shit which may be forthcoming from him put you off making a strong decision. Or if you are going to give it another go, set yourself some red lines which if crossed mean this was the last time.

but your posts do sound like you regret it really. or is this something you need to get out of your system? only you can know this and take responsibility for it.

do you have an honest friend or family member you can run this past? I think you mentioned being judged by them... are you avoiding telling them for any particular reason, if so that is telling too. I remember how much advice I got from my family it was a horror show but in the end only you can do it.

also if booze etc was involved, and/or hot sex, things can look different in the cold light of day where rent /mortgages need paying, cars need MOT'ing, work needs finding, parents evenings need attending etc, the real stuff of life. maybe you're afraid of that reality but it is possible to have both, the bedroom type of happiness and be someone who can do the other normal stuff!

Finally, this might seem judgemental but I am quite old and traditional: but why were you on dating sites so soon after a split? your business but imo best be on your own for a bit, it will be tough but you'll thank yourself later (and meet a better standard of future partner 😉)
Good luck.

I get your last paragraph- and you're right. Mostly I was doing it just to have a bit of banter and a bit of harmless fun. Something lighthearted in admidst all the shit.

Anyway, we attempted to go away a couple days ago with the kids. He drank, he kicked off called me every name under the sun, threatened and pushed me .

He got a train back home the next day and I stayed with the kids and have tried to continue our holiday.

So in a way, problem solved because there is no going back now.

I did tell a couple of friends. Some were supportive, others not so much. I sometimes feel as though they judge me when I'm the one that has been mentally abused all these years. I could question them on it, but I don't. It's not in my nature to make a song and dance, I do sometimes wish they'd notice though. They do know what he's like, but me keep going back and trying is almost a - it's her own fault. And it is - but it's not so black and white and when you're being manipulated etc