Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To only send birthday cards to those who sent me one?

23 replies

Halloaten · 15/08/2021 22:25

Which is not a lot tbh.
I have spent a few years feeling like I have sent a whole lot more birthday cards than I generally receive. Both this year and last I received the same amount of cards from the same people. I sent a whole lot more out.
I didn't get any cards from any of my 4 siblings despite hosting a party for myself which they all attended, none got me any last year either which is when I started counting. Probably very sporadic prior to this from memory.
Can't work out if I'm being a weirdo or not. I have had an horrendous 2 years and still managed for others so covid is not an excuse.
WIBU from this day on to only send cards to those who sent to me?

OP posts:

lollipoprainbow · 15/08/2021 22:36

That's my stance from now on I've lost count of the number of times I've heard 'I forgot to get you a card' !!

SecretKeeper1 · 15/08/2021 22:42

I just send to family and maybe 3 or 4 friends. If I’m seeing someone on or near their birthday I’ll give them a card.

Same with Christmas cards. I did laugh at a friends house when the postman delivered a few cards. She opened them, read them, and put them straight in the recycling bin. Made me realise I actually don’t need more Christmas clutter so I stopped sending as many, and now receive fewer too. Job done.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/08/2021 22:45

Here's the thing- they'll probably be glad. Every year when I get birthday cards, I just think - bugger, now I have to try and remember to send one back. When I forget and they finally stop sending, I breathe a sigh of relief that that debacle is over. Christmas cards are even worse.

AngryWhompingWillow · 15/08/2021 22:51

@Halloaten

Seems quite petty, but tbh I have started to do this over the past few years. I was forever sending cards to people - including extended family (my first cousins and their 15 or so kids they have between them,) and I hardly got anything back of any of them, and neither did my kids and DH. In fact, nothing at ALL from most of them for the last 10 years before I quit buying for them.

So I just flat out stopped, because I was getting pissed off and offended that they couldn't be arsed. Of course, after many years of sending them and then suddenly stopping, there were some raised eyebrows, and cries of 'how come Willow never sends cards (and buys gifts for us all) anymore?'

Ummm, maybe because you couldn't be arsed to send any to me and my kids and my husband - for the last 12-15 years!

I know it shouldn't be tit for tat, but why the fuck should anyone keep buying and giving to people when it's NEVER reciprocated?

I live 30+ miles away from my extended family now, so don't have to put up with the bitching and moaning, and I totally get you OP.

AngryWhompingWillow · 15/08/2021 22:52

@arethereanyleftatall

If that's the case, people need to speak up and say they want to opt out, not just keep take, take, taking.

Madcatgal21 · 15/08/2021 23:23

I send cards for both mine and DH family and maybe half send one back. It feels rude to stop sending now as if it would be making a statement. I like the thought of someone feeling special and thought about on their birthday but it's a bit gutting when I only receive 4 on my birthday..
It gets a bit overwhelming over two months of the year when I'm sending one each week too

arethereanyleftatall · 16/08/2021 14:57

@AngryWhompingWillow
It's quite a difficult thing to speak up about though isn't it? I would have thought it obvious if you don't get one returned that they have absolutely no interest in the swapping of pieces of card.

Sandinmyknickers · 16/08/2021 15:17

You can do what you want
But... the way I like to live my life, I wouldn't want to be that person.
I can't control what others do, but I can control what I do, and if that person is special to me, I will acknowledge their birthday and let them know I'm thinking of them whether by card, text, phone call etc, and not try to keep petty score... not trying to be sanctimonious before anyone suggests that. Just stating facts of how I prefer to live.
But of course, you can do what you want to do- noones forcing you to wish people happy birthday or even have reltionships with people you dont want to, at all!

Squirrelblanket · 16/08/2021 15:45

I only send cards to people who send them to me. I'm not bothered about cards, it seems a bit daft 'swapping bits of card' as another poster said.

I prefer a personal message or call on the day.

sirfredfredgeorge · 16/08/2021 15:58

If that's the case, people need to speak up and say they want to opt out, not just keep take, take, taking

It's not taking, card giving is not a contract.

StarDrawers · 16/08/2021 16:00

It's probably awkward for them to keep receiving one when they don't send you one so I'd stop.

StarDrawers · 16/08/2021 16:02

If that's the case, people need to speak up and say they want to opt out, not just keep take, take, taking. they are opting out, by not sending one. It's the politest way of doing it. It only gets confusing when they start up again randomly!

Clovacloud · 16/08/2021 16:06

I do the same now. Although last year, I didn’t send a card to one of my friends who I’ve always sent cards to. I’d realised she had not sent me a card once in 25 years, so I didn’t bother. She phoned me up to see if I was ok as she was wondering where her card was

Andylion · 16/08/2021 16:09

@Sandinmyknickers

You can do what you want But... the way I like to live my life, I wouldn't want to be that person. I can't control what others do, but I can control what I do, and if that person is special to me, I will acknowledge their birthday and let them know I'm thinking of them whether by card, text, phone call etc, and not try to keep petty score... not trying to be sanctimonious before anyone suggests that. Just stating facts of how I prefer to live. But of course, you can do what you want to do- noones forcing you to wish people happy birthday or even have reltionships with people you dont want to, at all!

With respect, I think you are being a little sanctimonious when you refer to not being "that person".

OP, I wouldn't send cards to those who don't send them to you because it seems they don't think cards are important, nothing more complicated than that.

For what it is worth, I am a non-sender, I have nowhere to display cards in my home. When I receive them, I just keep them in a pile on the table until I feel enough time has passed to put them in the recycling bin.

TootTootTootToot · 16/08/2021 16:16

I'm not fussed about cards. I think they are a waste of money and resources. A birthday text or call is much better!
I would be glad if everyone stopped sending cards.
I've stopped sending Xmas cards too.

YANBU to stop sending cards but you are being unreasonable to moan about people not sending them to you as though they owe it to you

FluffyPJs · 16/08/2021 16:17

We stopped buying gifts for my husbands side of the family when they all ignored my birthday two years running. My husband agreed with me that it was rude etc and we just stopped buying the adults gifts. We still buy for all of their children, but this year one brother/ family didn't bother with our teenagers birthday. I have continued to buy their much younger children gifts because it's not their fault but am still feeling salty about them just ignoring my son!! On my side of the family we send and receive gifts with everyone.

MojoMoon · 16/08/2021 16:30

You should send them cards because you want to do so, not because you expect anything back.

If you don't want, then stop sending them.

I send cards sometimes to friends because I know they are having a tough time or maybe I saw a card I thought they would like. For me, that is the way I communicate that I care

For some of my friends, the way they show they care about me is different. They call me. They text a photo of something they think I would like.

One is not better than the other - just different. The important thing is showing you care.

If you don't care, then stop sending anything. If you care but would rather show that on a different way than a card, do the different thing instead

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 16/08/2021 16:33

I would. I'd be interested to see what happened. If they noticed, said something, seemed relieved etc

Snoken · 16/08/2021 16:36

I have never once sent a birthday card to anyone I think. I am also not British and I do realise that card giving is a very British thing, I have just chosen to not adapt that part of Britishness.

If I see the person around their birthday, I might give them a card and some flowers/present, but never otherwise. I also hate getting them, especially since most of them aren't even recyclable. It is just such a huge waste of the planets resources and I wish everyone would just stop getting cards for every possible event. I am sure all these relatives would much rather have a phone call off you than a card.

muddyford · 16/08/2021 16:38

I've stopped buying presents for the family members who can't bothered even to send cards. Another family member, who does bother, said it was because they were all so chilled. That's chilled spelt s-e-l-f-i-s-h.

Apeirogon · 16/08/2021 16:39

I think a lot of people have scaled back on cards in recent years. Most people communicate by text / social media rather than phone calls / letters / cards. I still send cards to some people but a lot fewer than I used to.

Snoken · 16/08/2021 16:43

@Spanielsarepainless

I would imagine they are quite relieved by that. Gift buying can be a pain and there can be so many to keep track of. I'm not sure it's selfish, especially if they never actively opted in. They are probably just wishing it will fizzle out if they don't participate, and it seems to have worked.

MoonlightWanderer · 16/08/2021 16:51

I also don't really care about Birthday or Christmas cards. I think they are a waste of money. I only send to my parents and aunt because they seem to value them. Same with gifts. I only send to my immediate family. I don't really need or want lots of gifts from friends/coworkers, etc. I think times have changed.

Flip