i feel like i don’t make my baby happy

[sunflowersummer1]

i feel like such a shit parent. she’s 4 months old and has just had a week of bronchiolitis which was exhausting for everyone. i’m now unwell - bad cold and feel totally wiped out. i just feel like i need to sleep for a week but obviously i can’t. she won’t nap unless i’m holding her or driving so i can’t sleep when she sleeps. she’s breastfed and won’t take a bottle no matter how much i try so i can’t just leave her with my partner for a few hours.

she’s a very happy baby most of the time but sometimes i feel like everything i do is wrong. she cries if i try to feed her sometimes, cries if i don’t feed her, screams if i lay her down sometimes, cries if she’s upright, cries if she’s not upright, etc etc.

i’m burnt out. i’m so so tired and i feel like she can feel the stress on me because she cries when i hold her and laughs as soon as my partner takes over.

i don’t know how to make myself the happy energetic positive parent i want to be when i feel so drained

You are doing a great job. Truly. I know it feels awful right now, but this will pass. Babies can be awful at this age, it's renowned for sleep regression.

Best way to get baby to take a bottle is to go out for 8h and leave her with her loving, competent father. He will have a really tricky time, but your baby will take the bottle, I promise. Breastfed babies do not starve to death if their mother is in hospital or (God forbid) dies.

Oh love, she's ill and grumpy (aren't we all?).

But she loves you and needs you.

No idea if it's true, but I've heard that babies are often more smiley for dads than mums, because they instinctively know that their primary carer is with them through thick and thin, but they have to make a bit more effort with other people!

I remember feeling the same at that age, it was awful, I felt like she didn’t like me and I was an awful mum.

I don’t believe it was true, and I don’t believe it in your case either. Babies that age are hard on their primary carer, it’s just a phase, like the rest of them.

For sleep - what made a difference for me was learning about safer bed sharing - I was able to feed or cuddle her to sleep on a bed or mattress then either nap too or roll away for a bit. Google “safe sleep seven” if you think you might try it.

Do you have much support? Baby groups helped me too, family support would have been nice. And maybe have a chat with the health visitor, if you’re really worried.

I just wanted to say that I’m sure without a doubt that to your baby you are the most amazing person in the world.

Being a mum is so hard, especially when you are exhausted and sick.

Would your partner be able to take a day of two off work so you can rest and try to recover? So you could just feed the baby when needed but rest the remainder of the time?

Also, this is a cliche but it does get easier. I have a 9 month old and an almost 4 year old and the first few months are definitely the hardest especially as a first time mum as you are going through such a major change in your life and your baby is just so dependent on you.

Once your baby is on solids and having more time in between breastfeeds please make the time to do things for yourself.

Sometimes I would feed my little one then immediately hand him to my husband and go for a massage or something because I knew I had at least 2 hours or so before I would need to feed him again. Or even just go lay in a bubble bath scrolling through Instagram or whatever for an hour to relax while my husband had the baby.

I think it’s so important for mums to take care of their mental well-being. Taking time for myself makes me a more patient and better mother.

Also, just wanted to say that if you are feeling often like you can’t do anything right and are having such negative thoughts about yourself it might be an idea to go and see your GP and have a chat about it, it might be post natal depression?

Hope things improve for you soon, I promise you that your baby loves you and thinks you are the best mum.

That sounds really tough. You are not a shit parent. If you were, you wouldn't be writing this. The fact that you are worried about it, shows how much you love and care for your baby.

I remember the 4 month mark being really tough with my first. Those months of sleep deprivation, exclusively bf'ing, having a little person dependent on you had really worn me down. I think there's also a hormone shift around this time which really doesn't help.

Can your partner drive the baby for a nap whilst you stay at home and nap? My first wouldn't nap at home so we did this when I was pregnant with no 2 and knackered. Or can you give baby a big feed then go and rest for an hour? Put ear plugs in if you need to. It's really hard to switch off and convince yourself they'll be ok but trust that your partner will bring them to you once they aren't.

Try and carve out a little time for you generally. Even if it's just going for a 30 min walk. Do you go to any baby clubs? The thing that helps me the most is having other parents say "me too" when I'm moaning about something. Just knowing you aren't alone makes such a big difference. Xxx

I also second bed sharing. I've done it from the start with no 2 and it has helped me enormously to get more sleep. It isn't talked about much first time round and I remember feeling embarrassed/ashamed if I had to resort to it on tough nights.

Welcome to motherhood, a combination of witty and guilt!

Honestly you are doing so much better than you give yourself credit for

Is your baby clean, fed and loved?

Then you are doing great.

Oh op that is very normal. Baby’s can be grumpy little gits, but I guarantee she loves you best of all x