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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To give my children spending money for their holiday.

18 replies

Itsnotblippi · 15/08/2021 20:32

Ex and dad of dc is supposed to be taking children on holiday in UK soon. Its booked and paid for and at the time we were getting on OK and I gave him a bit of money towards securing the holiday so he could book it there and then. This wasn't a loan, it was just me helping the kids get a holiday with their dad after a rubbish year, as they had a separate holiday with me months before.
Anyway, he is now not saying whether he is going due to not having a car despite being insured on mine. (I let him drive it to earn enough cash at work so he could save and buy his own, then he changed jobs to somewhere a lot nearer that didn't need a car and didn't tell me, he continued to use my car so I was limited to what I could do with kids whilst he worked. I found out about his job move and asked for my car back if he could use his bike and now he flat out refuses to use my car for anything)

I said he could use my car to kids on their holiday and he said no. I said I wouldn't need it as he'd have the kids ( I am a SAHP at the minute). I then asked if he could hire one ans he said he hasn't got a couple hundred pound for it. I then said take my car and I'll give the kids spending money so money and be an issue. He then ranted he didn't want my money and he was taking them so he would use HIS money. I'm just baffled as I'm giving the money for the kids NOT him. Is it acceptable to not let your children have money from their mother? To teach them that what I give is not good enough. I told him to get over his ridiculous ego and its not about him or me it's about the kids but I'm wondering who is in the right?

OP posts:

Notimeforaname · 15/08/2021 20:35

He's a dick. Whatever you offer he will refuse. He obviously hasnt got things together properly and hates that you do. Give your children money if you want.

I know you're being kind but I would stop offering things to him.

Leave it totally to him and don't mention it again.

Notimeforaname · 15/08/2021 20:37

My guess is he will suddenly come back and ask for the car ..or perhaps hint at it.

He's angry at you for whatever reason and its probably winding him up more that you are so mature and kind and putting the kids first

Ligglepiggle · 15/08/2021 20:38

Can’t you take the kids instead of him? You sound like you’ve done most of the legwork for the holiday anyway.

Theunamedcat · 15/08/2021 20:42

Forget it stop helping him your not his mother you don't need to support him so much ffs unless your still in a relationship with him?

Hoppinggreen · 15/08/2021 20:43

You have given him money and now you are begging him to borrow your car
He’s done a proper number on you hasnt he?

Original poster

Itsnotblippi · 15/08/2021 20:43

I offered to take the holiday instead if he can't go but he booked it and has all the details for it and would need to change the name and give my car details. He won't say whether or not he is going either so I'm just stuck not knowing what will happen. Then he speaks slowly as if I'm a child and tells me that he is waiting for work to tell him if they've granted holidays ( this is new job and he told them before starting he had a holiday booked but apparently he had to put it through again) he didn't mention this until I asked if he actually had it booked off with work. God he puts me on edge and I'm the last to know everything.

OP posts:

HavelockVetinari · 15/08/2021 20:44

I think he hasn't really booked anything, and is embarrassed. He's either tight as a tick, or a complete fuckwit, or both.

Be very glad you're rid of him, and that intelligence is carried on the X chromosome!

Marmitemarinaded · 15/08/2021 20:47

I’m confused

If you’re a SAHP - how are you affording to pay things and he’s not? Surely he’s giving you maintenance?

Notimeforaname · 15/08/2021 20:50

OP stop asking and being so invested.
I understand you have to be for the kids..but stop meddling.
If it all goes tits up he will have to explain to the kids.

You cant clean up all his messes or run around behind him with a dust pan and brush.

Just back off and stop acting to interested.

He will either get it together and bring the kids..or he won't.

Stop practically begging him to take your car and take your help.

Notimeforaname · 15/08/2021 20:52

God he puts me on edge and I'm the last to know everything

You're putting yourself on the edge. You cant control what he does or what he organises. If you accept he is an adult and a parent and let him do his own thing and learn from his own mistakes you wouldn't feel so on the edge

Original poster

Itsnotblippi · 15/08/2021 20:53

He's definitely booked it. I was with him at the time as we're living together still and we're on better talking terms at the time (before cargate)... (we do everything else separate but he has terrible credit and still hasn't found a house he deems suitable for having kids over)

OP posts:

Original poster

Itsnotblippi · 15/08/2021 20:55

No maintenance, he still lives with me.
Why do you presume I have no money of my own.

OP posts:

Theunamedcat · 15/08/2021 21:01

Oh lord sucked in again 🙄

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 15/08/2021 21:03

@Theunamedcat

Oh lord sucked in again 🙄

Marmitemarinaded · 15/08/2021 21:08

@Itsnotblippi

No maintenance, he still lives with me. Why do you presume I have no money of my own.

I’m a single parent When I was a Stay at home parent and divorced - I relied on maintenance before I started working

So it was simply curiosity how you were in a better financial position than him, despite you not working and receiving nil maintenance from him

BananaMilkshakeWithCream · 15/08/2021 21:17

YANBU. Give the money if you want, they’re your children. Sounds like my husband’s ex. Her latest was buying DSD her new school uniform and then saying she needed money towards it. We didn’t want to give it but offered to buy DSD her school laptop as the cost was the same. The ex then insisted she had the money for the laptop and refused our offer 🤷‍♀️ We then used the money we would have spent on the laptop yet she’s now insisting we buy one but we’ve said she’ll have to wait until payday and she’s miffed.

Dontsayyouloveme · 15/08/2021 21:25

Don’t get sucked into this giving him money so he can stuff with your children. I used to do it, purely because I thought I was doing the best for my son. Now I don’t give exh money for anything… I’m happy to do all the days out, holidays, fun stuff as I am to let my exh hang himself by not being able (apparently) to afford too do this stuff with him.. my sons reaching the age now where he will slowly realise what a useless dad he’s got!

Original poster

Itsnotblippi · 15/08/2021 22:03

Just hard when he still lives in the house. I feel like I need to steer things in the right direction sometimes because one minute he's fantastic with them and very enthusiastic and the next it is too much effort to even take them into the garden. They are only little and I don't want constant negativity from him so I do try make it easier for him have fun with them at times. It might be easier once he moves out but again, very little information as to where he is on that front.

OP posts:

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