Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To not cover up to ds2 how unfair ex is being to him?

19 replies

MrsBede · 15/08/2021 18:44

It's another summer in which ex has seen a lot more of ds1 than ds2 due to their shared love of cricket and ds2's hatred of it. He hasn't seen his dad in over 2 weeks and for the second time in that period ex has taken ds1 to a match and not seen ds2 at all. This morning ds1 was making the arrangements to meet his dad for today's match and ds2 assumed they were both going (hadn't realised cricket was involved) and asked what time they were going to dad's. I had to say "You're not, it's just cricket." I felt awful for him.

I can't imagine not seeing them for two weeks but if I did there is no way I would then just meet up with one of them. He could have taken ds2 for lunch or a cake or something before the match or at the very least could bloody ring him.

My aibu is whether I should be talking to ds2 more about this and finding out his feelings/getting him to speak to his dad or even just saying that it's not on. He looked disappointed this morning but didn't say anything and I didn't either but now I'm wondering whether I should have. In the past I have raised it with ex but our relationship has totally disintegrated and he never replies to my messages now. I worry about it driving a wedge between the two boys as well as they are both aware they are not being treated equally by ex.

OP posts:

Morechocolatethanbarbara · 15/08/2021 18:48

I'm afraid I don't know how to resolve this but what an absolute shit father he is, no wonder he's your ex.

You're right, it's not just about the relationship the boys have with their dad it's that it's going to drive a wedge between your two sons; what a poor excuse of a man your ex is.

M0rT · 15/08/2021 18:51

I think you should talk to DS2 about it but not to fix it for him because you can't.
Your ex will ignore you so no point bringing it up with DS offering solutions.
Just do something with him, walk, drive, get him to help you do something in the house anything where he doesn't have to look directly at your face and ask if he's ok and say you understand if he is disappointed not to see his Dad and then listen.
Take care it must be very hard to watch

SafeMove · 15/08/2021 18:54

How old are they? Just so I can think about age appropriate circular questions for your DS2?

Nogardenersworld · 15/08/2021 19:02

I think you need to be very careful not to place any of your own thoughts and feelings regarding your ex, onto your son.
And not to tell him how he feels too.

I’m not sure it’s just a conversation for one DS though. This involves them both, and if one is getting extra attention of course they will like that, but perhaps haven’t thought how it may feel the other way round.
I would try to bring them together - so they find a way to enjoy going to the cricket together or requesting together for something else to do. Or alternating who picks the activity or some other way of making it a little more fair.

This may help remove the possibility of any sort of divide between them, clearly ex isn’t going to change but they can support each other

Original poster

MrsBede · 15/08/2021 23:00

God I'm bloody livid now - Ds messaged to ask me to pick him and his dad up from the tram stop after the game. Just messaged again to say the tram will be another 25 minutes, so I'll be up until 12.30 - as will ds2, who's 12, but still. Bloody knackered and ex hasn't spoken to me in about 2 years! Who does this? Why couldn't he get a sodding Uber?? So ds will see his dad after all - but has to stay up 2 hours past bedtime and hang around at park and ride for the privilege. So angry...

OP posts:

TriCeraBottom · 15/08/2021 23:06

Wow why are you picking them up?? Just text dd back saying sorry ds is asleep and I’m ready for bed tell dad to get you both an Uber. See you at home soon.

Your ex is utterly unreasonable. He’s also really damaging his sons relationship whcih is the saddest part. Talk to both sons. Maybe ds1 will suggest to his dad they alternate cricket with another activity.

TriCeraBottom · 15/08/2021 23:07

Sorry not dd I mean ds1 of course!

Hankunamatata · 15/08/2021 23:10

Tell.them to get a taxi as ds2 is in bed

Bopahula · 15/08/2021 23:10

I'd absolutely not pick them up. Let dad sort an Uber.

Xmassprout · 15/08/2021 23:12

Tell him no!

alexdgr8 · 15/08/2021 23:13

so if your first son did not like cricket, their father wouldn't bother seeing him either ?
that's what it sounds like. it's not parenting, is it. more like just someone to go to cricket with, like a pal from the pub.
sorry, Op. don't know what to suggest.
are there any uncles, older cousins, GFs who could spend time with the boys. take them out maybe, good to have male influence , from a friendly positive role model.

Original poster

MrsBede · 15/08/2021 23:14

Didn't want to say no as ex often skint and also didn't want ds1 to be an awkward go between. I'll definitely message him after to say it will not be happening again though.

OP posts:

HalzTangz · 15/08/2021 23:17

@TriCeraBottom

Wow why are you picking them up?? Just text dd back saying sorry ds is asleep and I’m ready for bed tell dad to get you both an Uber. See you at home soon.

I personally wouldn't do this if my child needed picking up.

I'd also use it as an opportunity to raise that ds2 is not getting equal visitation and it's about time he put his son before cricket. The ex wil have to deal with the conversation if stuck in the car.

Theunamedcat · 15/08/2021 23:18

Pick your son up your ex can get an uber

Arrange for your other ds to go out to his mates or do an activity he likes while they are off doing "cricket" I allow ds2 free rein on the xbox when ds1 goes to see there dad he gers to play all ds1s precious single player games that he always says he will give him a turn on and never bloody does

Daydrambeliever · 15/08/2021 23:23

Your ex should be sorting out transport and it is utterly unreasonable to expect anyone to be staying up past bedtime for lifts.

Absolutely fine to chat to son about how he feels about his time with dad. But you need to be really neutral and not let your opinions become his.

SequinsandStiIettos · 15/08/2021 23:30

I know you're angry - and you have every right to be - but I personally would keep my feelings out of it for now and deal with tomorrow, the longer picture.
For now, take DS2, have a lovely chat with him in the car - if there is a 24 hrs maccy Ds get him a hot chocolate and pie while you wait. Make DS1 sit shotgun and ex and DS2 can catch up in the back of the car. You car, your rules.

RandomMess · 15/08/2021 23:30

I would pick DS up and leave your ex there to walk home.

NoSquirrels · 15/08/2021 23:34

Can’t your 12 yr old DS stay at home in bed?

I like the suggestion of picking up DS1 but leaving Ex to walk…

SequinsandStiIettos · 15/08/2021 23:35

As a child of divorce, I understand exactly why you are getting the advice you are but for the love of God, do not have this convo with ex in front of DS2, and do not use the waiting time to broach feelings now unless he brings anything up. Just use the waiting time as mum-son hot chocolate time.
Having the ex in the backseat with DS2 gives him some time with his (crap) father. He's only twelve. I'd not see it as covering for your ex; rather I'd see it as protecting your child's feelings to the best of your ability.
They will hero-worship less and see him for what he is as they grow up, do not worry about that. But he is twelve. For now, rise above OP.

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread