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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get involved in this?

16 replies

ncchangednc · 15/08/2021 16:48

I have been informed today by a friend that another friend of ours has been physically abused by her DP, who is also a friend of ours. Apparently he has "hit" her and I know nothing more.

The friend that told me is reluctant to say/do anything and doesn't want her name mentioned. She doesn't want to cause any issues or drop anyone in it.

I feel like someone needs to do or say something? I'm relatively close to the friend who has been hit but we're not overly close. I am so angry at her DP, he is a long time friend of mine and I just feel like shouting at him!!

We were on a night out last night and they ended up shouting at each other, with her crying and him calling her names. She was also calling him names. They also both through drinks over one another.

I'm worried that if I say something to her, it will cause more problems and she will feel betrayed by her other friends she has told. I feel like she would have told me if she wanted me to know.

Do I just stay out of it? I'm really worried about her.

OP posts:
Original poster
ncchangednc · 15/08/2021 16:49

I have also name changed for this

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 15/08/2021 16:51

The shouting at each other, name calling each other and throwing drinks over each other would be enough to keep me well out of it.

Just be there for her/them when they spit.

WorraLiberty · 15/08/2021 16:52

SPLIT! Not spit Blush

Original poster
ncchangednc · 15/08/2021 16:52

@WorraLiberty

The shouting at each other, name calling each other and throwing drinks over each other would be enough to keep me well out of it.

Just be there for her/them when they spit.

It's the physical abuse I'm worried about. Apparently he has hit her behind closed doors.
OP posts:
freelions · 15/08/2021 16:53

Assuming you witnessed the falling out and name calling (but not the physical violence), could you not just text your friend to say "I'm worried about you after what I witnessed last night, if you need someone to talk to or any practical support then please let me know xxx"

LemonPeonies · 15/08/2021 16:53

Oh yeah great advice. Ignore until she ends up dead Hmm

WorraLiberty · 15/08/2021 16:54

@LemonPeonies

Oh yeah great advice. Ignore until she ends up dead Hmm
I'm sorry, I must have missed your advice on this thread?
Original poster
ncchangednc · 15/08/2021 16:55

@freelions

Assuming you witnessed the falling out and name calling (but not the physical violence), could you not just text your friend to say "I'm worried about you after what I witnessed last night, if you need someone to talk to or any practical support then please let me know xxx"
I'm worried to text her and say anything like that as they are always together and very open with their messages.

I text her this morning to check if she was okay but didn't say anything else.

OP posts:
Couldhavebeenme2 · 15/08/2021 16:57

@LemonPeonies

Oh yeah great advice. Ignore until she ends up dead Hmm
Couldn't have put it better.

Their relationship is already incredibly abusive, from her as well as him (you saw, that yourself) plus whatever is going on behind closed doors.

Now is absolutely the time to speak to your friend. I wish someone had offered me support when my husband 'wasn't yet hitting me'

BatshitBanshee · 15/08/2021 16:59

I wouldn't let on you know about the physical assault but I would text and say I'm hoping you're ok, last night was a bit crazy, everything alright between you? Or you could text and ask to meet up this week and have a conversation in person where there's no written evidence of it if her DP is inclined to read her messages. But I definitely wouldn't lead with X told me he hit you because that would violate the trust she has in the friend she confided in & she might not have anyone to trust next time.

AlternativePerspective · 15/08/2021 17:00

Oh yeah great advice. Ignore until she ends up dead the reality though is sadly many women won’t leave these situations, and there literally isn’t anything the OP can do other than mention that she knows.

Besides which, if they were both shouting and screaming and throwing drinks at each other etc there’s no way of knowing whether it’s a mutually violent relationship, which doesn’t make it right, but equally doesn’t mean she’s the abuse victim in the same way as if he is just the abusive one. Iyswim.

OP, I would use last night as a reason to contact her, and say that you’re worried about her after last night and is she sure things are ok, because from your experience, these kinds of situations can so easily turn violent, and you just want to make sure that she’s ok.

As per PP, I wouldn’t get any more involved than that. I certainly wouldn’t let on to him that you know. As much as people here are saying he could kill the friend, if he can kill her he could do the same to OP, and OP needs to be safe as well.

girlmom21 · 15/08/2021 17:07

Could you ask her if she fancies going out for breakfast tomorrow? (Obviously don't know what your work situations are). Get her somewhere neutral and just check in.

LemonPeonies · 15/08/2021 17:15

Ok my advice would be, talk to your friend, report it if you care about her. How do you think women end up in violent relationships for so long? If they don't have the strength to ask for help or leave perhaps their friends and family could? I did the same for someone myself and I've never regretted it.

Sylvvie · 15/08/2021 17:19

OP, sometimes it IS our friends that turn out to be the abusive ones. My ex's mates learned that the hard way after turning on me purely because I broke up with him

Offer her support, but be prepared for her not to take you up on it. People stay in toxic relationships for a number of reasons and it takes them realising they need to go that will make them leave. No amount of telling someone it's wrong and they need to break up will get them to do it. Trust me, I have been the abused partner in this and it took me 2 years.

Polmuggle · 15/08/2021 18:06

It's the physical abuse I'm worried about. Apparently he has hit her behind closed doors.

You witnessed them throwing drinks at each other. You've already seen the physical abuse.

Fdksyihfd · 15/08/2021 18:13

Could you meet up with her and ask if everything is ok based on the argument you saw and give her the opportunity to share with you? Say you’re worried about her, that you want to help if she will let you and that you’ll always be there for her if needed. Even if she doesn’t tell you anything then say that. But don’t make her feel cornered; don’t insist that she has to leave or that she has to tell you as it has to come from her
I think by saying anything to her DP you risk putting her in more danger.

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