Would you talk to this friend again or avoid?

[Fedup2121]

Nc for this as people in RL know about this.

I met this person at a baby group when our boys were 3/4 months old. We got chatting very quickly as we had a lot in common and became good friends. During maternity we met everyday, mostly instigated by her, but I didn’t mind as I was relatively new to area and was nice to finally make friends outside of work. Not very friendly where we live so was nice someone was reaching out.

I started to realise she was a little off e.g. if I said I couldn’t meet a certain day she would pester me to meet her and no matter what I said I was doing she would invite herself and her baby along! I started feeling a bit weird about her but was too polite and naive to say back off.

She did something else many times to be a coincidence so I don’t know what she was getting out of it - so she would pester me to meet her with the kids and I would go to the location then she would text me after the arranged meet up time like 10 minutes into and say “sorry hun baby sleeping now so can’t meet”. I didn’t want to be unreasonable and thought maybe I should show understanding but she did this many times! She would arrange a meet up then cancel after I was already there at the agreed time. She also laughed about doing this to her cousin and said she made her come to a baby group in our area so cousin drove good 35 minutes to get there but she did same and cancelled when she was already there sitting in the baby session. She found it funny which I should have seen as a red flag really.

Went back to work 4 days a week and she would “book” up every single week of my day off. She would text me e.g. Monday to ask what I’m doing on day off and whatever I said she would invite herself along and if I said I don’t have plans she would arrange something. I started dreading seeing her name pop up on my phone and got so much anxiety on my day off. I really started to hate her and hate that she wrecked my day off. Things eased off abs saw her only every few months as I went back to work full time, stressful job so very little time in week for meet-ups.

Fast forward the years of putting up with this our boys ended up in same school. All the anger of the past 4 years or so just got to me and I started trying to avoid her and when I would see her at drop offs I would just say hi and rush to work. She didn’t like this and infront of all the parents one day started having a go at me and asking why I’m being nasty to her and ignoring her. I used this incident to break contact with her and haven’t seen her since. I’m so glad she did that otherwise I wouldn’t have had the guts to stop talking to her.

Problem now is I’m feeling a little guilty as the boys seem to have made friends and like each other but I can’t let this person back in my life as I struggle dealing with people like her. I’ve seen her a few times at the local park and just let my boy run to hers but I don’t acknowledge her or look in her direction.

What would you do in my position? I’m not good with establishing boundaries and can a doormat so worried if I start being friendly things will be same as before. I’ve even considered moving LO to another school but that’s extreme isn’t it?

I wouldn’t move schools, just carry on as you are and avoid contact.

Try thinking of her as a work colleague you don’t like. You wish you didn’t have to work with her, you don’t want to spend time with her beyond what’s necessary, but you do have to be professional. Obviously it’s not quite the same situation, but in terms of having to deal with her as a fellow parent at the school - particularly if your sons do become friends - keep it civil and very, very simple. Talk to her if you have to about arrangements for the children, but never discuss anything personal with her or agree to socialise. If she does push to renew your ‘friendship’, be as clinical as you can about saying you don’t think it’s a good idea, but would like to stay civil as it’s not fair on the children otherwise.

OP, not dismissing your dilemma but I really struggle to see why people give so much headspace to ‘friends’. They are just people you once met, may got on with and now don’t. There are 7 billion other people on the planet. Make new friends or none at all. Unless your dissociation with them will cause you physical harm or they owe you a living which will stop, then think nothing and move on. No friend or acquaintance is worth so much angst.

She sounds ott so I can see why your reluctant to engage with her . I think avoiding any contact is a bit extreme you can say hello but avoid any other attempt to be more friendly.
I had a friend like this wanted to spend all free time together and with a family and work it just doesn’t work even if I wanted to . She was the same thinking I’m being mean because I avoided her , I suppose it’s hard to say your too suffocating.
Now if I bump into her once in a blue moon she’s like give me a ring sometime , I don’t because I fear she’d just be the same .

I don't mean to sound harsh, but you can't let your child suffer for your lack of boundaries and being unable to speak up for yourself.

Keep him in his school. He's 4 now and you have at least 14 years of speaking up/sticking up for him.

If you can't stick up for yourself, you're going to struggle with that.

Keep doing what you are doing.
If she says hi, say hi back and leave it at that.

Even if she does strike up a conversation with you, you could always chat to her but as soon as she asks to meet you or tries sending a message just tell her you can't meet up. Make up excuses. Block her number if you have to.

It's hard to establish boundaries sometimes but it sounds like you need to with this girl.

Your ‘boundaries’ were poor.

You can have ‘boundaries’ without doing anything drastic like changing schools!

Leave him in the school. Kids can be fickle and they may not even be friends in 2 years time. Be polite to her but dont engage much. Your kids are friends which doesn't mean you need to be.

The boys can play and be friends but you don't have to get close to the mum again.

Children move through various friendship groups so leave your son to it and continue keeping your distance.

Easier said than done but don't overthink it. You are right not to want this negativity in your life so stay strong in that respect.

OP I think you know this will only get worse ... She sounds unhinged and the type that would deliberately create problems everywhere for you.. She's started already .. confronting you for daring to exist without your needing her ..

Do you want this crap every day for your Sons entire school experience .. I know I wouldn't...

You could try giving it time.. a few months.. it might calm down it might not..

If not, I'd seriously consider changing schools... your Son is 4 years old... now is the time to do it..

good luck .. 🌸

Keep chat short. Better boundaries. She sounds very clingy. I see my friends but we dont live in each other's pockets.

You haven't done anything wrong. You don't have to be her friend. She will move on. Minimal contact and she will get the message.

The boys can be friends at school. He will likely have choice of many friends. He doesn't have to be friends outside school with boy which might involve the meanmum at aged 4

You don't need to agree to nor arrange any outside school play dates nor meet ups. Just say "No Thank-you" to everything if she approaches you and walk away "Must go, need to catch up with ..." and go talk to someone else.

It won't be difficult to steer DS away from any requests to invite this boy over or go to his house. He's still young, so once you invite over or start meeting up with other classmates, DS will likely gravitate towards playing them.

You dont need to change anything that you’re doing now. Just carry on ignoring her and if your Dc want to be friends at school or in the park, they can be, but you do NOT have to be friends with this woman.

I’ve been where you were due to a weird childhood, I never knew how to make fiends properly and this went into adult relationships too. It took me until I was in my 40s to realise some of friendships were shit and I needed to get a grip. I’ve been so much happier ever since!
YOU are an adult woman and are in charge of who you are friends with and if they treat you badly then you need to cut them out of your life, not just for your own sanity but to show your ds what good boundaries are.

My mother's friends were never the mothers of my friends. Block her number.

Think of it as good practice at getting better at boundaries. Go over it all in your head, and remind yourself she is a bit off, and work out what you want and don't want. You don't want her back in your life, ringing you, stringing you along for meetups she doesn't attend, monopolising your time, etc, all the stuff you wrote here. Then just be bland and pleasant, but stick to you boundaries inside your head and in your actions around her.

You had poor boundaries and now you have gone the other extreme.

I have always been the peace maker.There really are batshit parents out there. Parents, who curry favour with the in crows only inciting their friend’s kids on play dates or the kids of popular parents. Even have no qualms in telling my child they won’t be inviting her over. No reason btw. I’m just not popular. Then the one, who went bananas accusing me of telling an almost teen and mid teen sibling that Santa doesn’t exist for example (I didn’t)… And these seem to be the parents, who do some very questionable things, particularly where covid is concerned, such as take their positive kids on holiday.

My thought is that changing schools will do nothing. There will always be batshit parents wherever you go. Block. Ignore. Don’t have over on a play date until your kids are in secondary. This is a friend to play with at school. Other friends can be friends at school that your ds can also have a play date with.

So OP
You haven't returned to the thread after posting

In AIBU a minority of PPs can put harsh replies , however the majority have been supportive that it's ok to avoid this other mum, snd not to encourage any mixing outside school as there is something odd and mean about her treatment of you. No one deserves to be treated or spoken to as you have and you were very patient.

It's not a bad thing to try to be understanding and patient and hopefully you have heard enough that it's ok to say 'no thanks' to her and disengage (walk away, don't reply to texts, block her number) if she tries to sneak her way back into your life again via her son.

Please don't move schools to avoid her, there are plenty of other parents and classmates who may be lovely and this is the closest & currently best school for your son. Make other friends at the gate snd invite other classmates over for play dates- just avoid her!

Thank you everyone. Yes definitely avoid her I don’t think even politeness is okay as she will worm her way back into my life.

Avoid her. If you are at the park and don't feel you can ignore her easily, take a book and say you are reading, or wear headphones and say you are listening to a book.

@Fedup2121

Thank you everyone. Yes definitely avoid her I don’t think even politeness is okay as she will worm her way back into my life.

Stand firm 🌸