To ask how to navigate this next step of co parenting

[cadburyegg]

H and I split end of last year. It was my decision to end the relationship but my hand was forced by his attitude to money, the way he treated me and the children, and the final straw was finding that he was talking to other women on dating apps.

He moved on very quickly and has been with new girlfriend for 5 months now. I have found this very difficult to deal with. The children haven’t yet met her, but I’m sure it’s going to happen soon from what he’s been saying, as they are talking about all taking holidays together in the autumn.

We are mostly amicable even though he can be a little unreliable about contact and maintenance. My problem is I am dreading the next stage of him becoming a “blended family” and her meeting our kids and them all spending time together (she also has kids). But, I realise that it’s inevitable that this will happen and I have no intention of preventing it (not that I could).

I just don’t know how to put my feelings aside and move forward in a positive way, this will clearly change the dynamic of everything and I guess I’m just asking how I can navigate it all. I don’t want to be the horrible ex, I don’t want the kids to be sidelined either. They are 6 and 3, so we have some years of co parenting to go yet. This is completely new territory to me, how do I navigate it?

I totally understand why it's tough for you, but it's also not really for you to worry about - it's down to him how he handles this.

That said, I'd ask him to give you a heads up before he does the introductions, so that you can support the kids from their side, as it will be tough for them too.

And good on you for thinking about it and acknowledging it - tough for everyone, this stuff.

You will do it and survive it.
It’s a birthing process and painful.
The walls of your home will become your fortress and so my advice is to make home a real sanctuary for you. It doesn’t matter if you’re in a hovel or a castle, make your home a place of peace… a place that is yours… a place your ex does not hang out in. This helped me immensely. I threw myself into work and went for drinks with mums from the school when I could… something that I would normally avoid. It took time, but I really taught myself to disengage from ex, to choose my battles wisely, lowered my expectations of my ex right down to the basic ‘pick up your child, drop off your child’. I had to ‘let go’ of my son just a little and just ‘be’, just really trust that everything would be ok, that he would be ok, and I had to work on me.
I joined a Buddhist prayer group and went to (Catholic) Vespers Mass every Sunday.
I’m not telling you to do these things but tap right into the essence of what you are, who you are, and feed that side of yourself. Nourish your soul OP.
DS is now 19. I remarried and moved on from the pain of my divorce. Time heals. We’re all ok! We all survived the years of co parenting with all of their ups and downs.

I listen to a lot of guided meditation by John Kabat Zinn on Spotify. I just lie flat on the sofa, headphones on, and go with it until I fall asleep. He’s particularly good at just guiding you into an effortless state of mindfulness… you don’t have to let go, you can go with your thoughts and your troubles and embrace them and just be in the moment as you are. I think you’ll find this really beneficial as you transition into this new stage of your relationship with your ex. Trust that the kids will really be ok. You can’t control how this will go, how your ex will parent, how his relationship will impact your kids.

But you can l, for you and your boys, be love, show love, make your home a loving fortress (sounds naff, but this is vital), and just be your children’s loving guide. You don’t have to be anything for your ex at all other than a co parent. Enjoy that freedom.

When they’re with you, they’re with you. When they’re with dad, use that time to show yourself love… do things you normally wouldn’t do because of the limitations of looking after your little ones under your feet.
Don’t rush to meet the new girlfriend. Protect yourself from that. It’s really not important to scope her out or anything like that. Try to detach yourself from those thoughts of your ex that are crowding out your sense of well-being.