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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did it have to be said or should I have ignored?

22 replies

Untidyvessel · 15/08/2021 09:17

Been on Mn some time, have nc. For context I’m in my 50s. I have a group of friends , age range from 50 upwards to 70s

Went to a party the other day, all good, had a good time. One of the older friend’s partner came to collect them. Came over to speak to our group. I’m sitting with my friend who a similar age to myself. As soon as he came over he said pleasantries and then was extremely toughly freely with both of us , holding my face , rubbing her shoulders, touching our backs.

He has history for this and it really grates with me, asking me about my love life. Friend feels the same that it’s lecherous. We both physically moved away from him so he’d get the vibes.

We left the do and when home sent a polite message to friend whose husband saying could he desist in asking about my love life and not to touch me…. Sends a message back saying he was “ being friendly “ . .

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
MaMelon · 15/08/2021 09:20

YWU for not speaking to him there and then , esp as he has form - he’s the guilty party.

However, now that you sent a message to your friend you’ll need to make it clear in your reply that touching you and asking about your love life isn’t’just being friendly’ and he needs to stop.

thefourgp · 15/08/2021 09:22

He’s not being friendly. He’s being a creepy sleaze invading your personal space and asking questions about your personal love life that have nothing to do with him. Good on you for texting her. Wives of men like this often make excuses for them. If he touches you again, say loudly ‘please don’t touch me’ so everyone nearby can hear. He’ll get arsey then go find someone else to drool over that’s too intimidated to call him out on it.

Nobloat21 · 15/08/2021 09:22

Yabu for dealing with it this way.

Original poster
Untidyvessel · 15/08/2021 09:36

Yes I agree, should have said at the time to him to stop all the touchy feely stuff particularly when he has form for it.

OP posts:
IrnBruMom · 15/08/2021 09:41

I understand not saying something right at that time. It can be so overwhelming that it can take a bit of recovery time to gather your thoughts.

He sounds creepy and lecherous.

ToyCar1234 · 15/08/2021 09:45

Id have said it to the guy but I get that you might not have felt comfortable. I feel for you - horribly awkward situation.

Definitely wouldn’t have sent a text. If you really needed to raise it with her rather than him, I’d have had the conversation face to face. I bet that was a really difficult message to receive and I’m not surprised she got defensive.

ExpressDelivery · 15/08/2021 09:49

Why on earth would you try and deal with this in a message? What good has ever come from trying to resolve any personal or sensitve issue via text?

Also why his wife and not him?

Of course if you want it to stop you needed to say it, in person, to him.

Ponoka7 · 15/08/2021 09:50

You've put the responsibility of stopping male inappropriate behaviour onto the woman in his life, that's never ok. Our generation and those older put up with a lot of inappropriate sexual behaviour and we were given the message that we don't challenge men. But them days are gone. You say it directly to him and physically remove his hands if necessary. While telling him that he stops with the personal questions.

Kithic · 15/08/2021 09:53

I voted YABU because you should have told him there and then, "please don't do that" and not answered questions about your love life

Even if you couldn't cope with doing that, you should not have asked his bloody wife!

We both physically moved away from him so he’d get the vibes.

We left the do and when home sent a polite message to friend whose husband saying could he desist in asking about my love life and not to touch me…

MsHedgehog · 15/08/2021 10:02

YABU for the way you dealt with it, not for being unhappy or wanting to deal with his behaviour.

Why is it on her? Why upset her? Why cause issues with her over message?

mdh2020 · 15/08/2021 10:04

I had this problem at a local group where the elderly gentleman who ran the group always cuddled who ever he was speaking to. I told him he couldn’t touch me or stand close to me and he asked if it ‘was because of my religion’. It didn’t help that other women piped up ‘you can hug me anytime’. Your friends husband was out of order and you should have said something to him in person , maybe next time you saw him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/08/2021 10:05

You all know he wasn’t just being friendly but what on Earth did you expect her to say? There was no way she’d admit her husband is a creep, few women would, and it’s not for her to police or apologise for his behaviour.

thelastgoldeneagle · 15/08/2021 10:07

It's not your friend's fault - unfair of you to put this on her. You should have called him out on it at the time, especially when you know he has form for it. Have some smart putdowns ready for next time you see him.

JennyEnglish008 · 15/08/2021 10:08

I think you've embarrassed her
Man up and just tell him yourself
Seriously, what you expect her to say?

BestZebbie · 16/08/2021 21:05

You need to send back a cartoon of a dog humping someone's leg while the owner says "oh, he's just being friendly".....if you never want to see that woman again.... :-/

HarryBoa · 16/08/2021 21:15

I can't believe you're being judged for not responding a certain way. He put you in this position and we as women are conditioned to not cause a fuss, especially in a situation where "everyone is having a nice time." Your reaction is completely understandable, as is your need to try and follow up afterwards.

The only person that did anything wrong in this situation is him.

Goodness only knows what the wife is dealing with, but she's married to him so that's punishment enough. Yes it's not ideal to make her responsible for his behaviour but her response doesn't cover her in glory either. Good on you for calling it out. Next time you see him tell him loudly and clearly to stop touching you, move his hands away, tell him your love life is none of his business and give yourself a quiet round of applause for calling out the sleaze.

Brefugee · 16/08/2021 21:30

next time use your words directly - and step back.

aerosocks · 16/08/2021 21:34

The last person I met who was overly friendly and touchy-feely with the laydeez has just been sent to prison for sex offences.

YANBU.

saraclara · 16/08/2021 21:55

What good has ever come from trying to resolve any personal or sensitve issue via text?

Absolutely that. I swear that since texting came into being, fallings out between friends have increased exponentially.

And for goodness sake, what an incredibly sensitive subject to text someone on. And again, why his wife? Why are you expecting her to be responsible;e for him?

You've been exceptionally unreasonable.

EKGEMS · 16/08/2021 23:44

My response "Labrador retrievers are allowed to be touchy feely, not adult males who simultaneously ask intrusive, over personal questions! Your husband needs to be neutered and better house trained"

Tallisimo · 16/08/2021 23:58

There were two of you at the do and you still neither of you stood up for yourselves / each other? I think that’s rather sad.

And yabu to text anything to his wife. What did you expect her to say?

HerMammy · 17/08/2021 00:01

Two adult women sat and let a man touch them multiple times and said nothing?? then txt his wife to moan about him?
That’s really childish, why not say get your hands off me and fuck off!

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