AIBU - farming life

[Justdoingthisnow]

My partner is a farmer (arable and beef). It’s a family farm owned by dad and uncle. Uncle is in his 80s and dad mid 60s. Cousin with no farming experience has recently joined the farm to support but seems fairly inept and flaky. Everyone lives on the farm except us we live in a town around 30 minutes away. Cousin was allowed to build a property on the land.

My partner works long hours rarely home before 7.30 and in the summer can be working until 10ish. This isn’t a surprise to me we have been together 10 years and have two children together.

My problem is I feel like he is being treated like a mug. He often works all day and cousin is nowhere to be seen. This frustrates me as I feel he is sacrificing family time when the work should be split more equally. When I complain I just get the comment well it’s got to be done and I can’t rely on cousin. The cousin will often take holidays at short notice to spend time with kids it all feels so unequal also considering he lives on the farm and gets to pop in and see his family during the day.

My partner receives a meagre salary for his work and in comparison I earn 3 times as much. He seems unhappy and I genuinely think we would be happier if he just stopped working on the farm. We don’t need the money and life would be better if he didn’t slave al hours for a pittance. He agrees but also feels powerless to change out of loyalty to the family business.

We’ve had a bit of a row this weekend as I’ve been vomiting and struggled to manage two kids but his only way of supporting was to take toddler to his mums for the 4th day this week.

Not sure what the point of the post is but am I being unreasonable and does anyone have any advice?

Would you moving to the farm make things any easier?

The likelihood is things will get worse when the parents pass away leaving your dh and his cousin to manage the farm.
If he steps away it will probably mean giving up the farm completely, is he prepared to do that,

You aren't being unreasonable.
It sounds like the lines between business and family (meaning dad, uncle, cousin) are blurred. If this was not a family businesses there would be contracts, defined roles and policies for holidays. You need a family meeting to work out properly who does what and when.
My dh is a farmer BTW, so I know how intense it is, particularly this time of year.
Is there an option for you to move onto the farm?

Is farming all he's ever known?
Could you move to be closer to the farm?
He needs to speak to his cousin about the balance of work and how detrimental it is to your family.

Sounds like the cousin is keen to protect his share of the inheritance!
I guess moving to the farm itself would mean you see more of your DH, but would you want to live there?
If your DH leaves would his share of the farm be protected? Would they have to sell up if DH wasn’t there working these crazy long hours?
Sounds incredibly stressful

I think moving to the farm would make things marginally easier although probably it wouldn’t reduce working hours but would mean that we would see him more. There is a property on the farm but his dad suggested if we moved there we would pay him rent after renting our house out which my partner wasn’t keen on.

I think things would get worse when uncle passes away as how the farm will be inherited is unclear cousin is 1 of 8 and partner 1 of 5.

I agree that they need to communicate. Partner is reluctant as he feels his dad doesn’t listen and he doesn’t like communicating. However from my perspective we are just stuck in this loop waiting for something to change which forces the issue. He also doesn’t want to talk to the cousin as he feels it should come from his dad (as employer). However, dad won’t speak to cousin after he and uncle had a row about his work hours before. All feels like a stalemate.

Can your DH speak to his uncle and get him to deal with the cousin directly then?

Until he stands up for himself your whole family is losing out. Does he understand that?

@girlmom21

Can your DH speak to his uncle and get him to deal with the cousin directly then?

Until he stands up for himself your whole family is losing out. Does he understand that?

I agree I think that’s my issue I want him to raise this issue and make things equitable but he just is avoiding communicating the issue. He definitely acknowledges it to me but doesn’t say anything to others. Partially this is because he sees himself as employee so doesn’t see it as his role to pull up cousins behaviour.

Your partner really needs to resolve this with his father & uncle as things will not improve if he does nothing. Is there a partnership in place? How is the ownership divided currently?

@LizziesTwin

Your partner really needs to resolve this with his father & uncle as things will not improve if he does nothing. Is there a partnership in place? How is the ownership divided currently?

He doesn’t own any of the farm he and cousin are given 4% of profits which is capped at 20k

Agree they need an open discussion otherwise nothing will change. We’ve just had a heated discussion were I told him things need to change.

Such a difficult situation. I see the cousin here as possibly muscling in with an eye to inheritance. I also don't know why your DH would do so many hours for 20k as it will probably work out below minimum wage if he was to work it out. I think a good way forward could be a family meeting to spell out what will happen with the farm going forwards and divide the work load more fairly. I would be worried about the future as the farm is already owned by 2 families and if they want to spilt equally between children then there won't be much each.

Caveat: I know nothing.

If DP is unhappy with the situation, now might be the time for some hard thinking. Does he know what he wants for his future? For his family’s future?

Does he know how the business is set up? That might be useful to know.

There are (in Australia) specialist accountants and lawyers dealing in farming succession. Perhaps take some good advice about this and get points for thinking about, if nothing else.

You don’t say how old D P is. Can he look around to see what other opportunities there are? A little study in management might get him a long way.

I think, when having the talk that needs to be had, clarity of thought will take him further rather than sounding as if he is having a whinge that is just not fair.

@Justdoingthisnow
There is a property on the farm but his dad suggested if we moved there we would pay him rent after renting our house out which my partner wasn’t keen on.

Perhaps you should say to his dad - “ of course we will pay a market rent and you can pay me at the market rate or at least minimum wage”

@Ukholidaysaregreat

Such a difficult situation. I see the cousin here as possibly muscling in with an eye to inheritance. I also don't know why your DH would do so many hours for 20k as it will probably work out below minimum wage if he was to work it out. I think a good way forward could be a family meeting to spell out what will happen with the farm going forwards and divide the work load more fairly. I would be worried about the future as the farm is already owned by 2 families and if they want to spilt equally between children then there won't be much each.

Yes I agree about cousin. My MIL very much thinks the cousin has his eyes on the inheritance and is just getting involved now for what he could gain. Although it’s not clear how his fathers 50% would be split between 8 children.

My partner also agrees it’s madness but infuriatingly doesn’t say anything. When he talks to his dad about contracting bits out his dad huffs off which is unhelpful. I told my partner if he got a minimum wage job we would be better off as we would gain so much time whereas now we are very limited and minor jobs stack up. Moreover I work 4 days a week and could make half of his salary back by going full time not to mention the childcare costs we could save if he gave up work. However as much as he acknowledges this I think he feels trapped as he wouldn’t want to let his dad down but the end result is we his family suffer.

No easy solution but agree he needs to man up and have an open conversation with all families.

I think your DP needs to imagine what he would do if he worked for a company and cousin was a co worker.

In that scenario it would be totally reasonable to say to his bosses (dad and uncle) that co worker is not doing his fair share and it impacts on him as he has to take up the slack. And it would be totally reasonable to say he is considering leaving if nothing is done to change this.

[quote Berthatydfil]@Justdoingthisnow
There is a property on the farm but his dad suggested if we moved there we would pay him rent after renting our house out which my partner wasn’t keen on.

Perhaps you should say to his dad - “ of course we will pay a market rent and you can pay me at the market rate or at least minimum wage”[/quote]
Yes this. His dad is part of the problem as he keeps taking on more work as if you have more work you are always busy. He doesn’t see family as a mans responsibility as me or MIL can pick up pieces or that god forbid we my partner would like to finish early once in a while.

I am from a farming background and I know how difficult these situations can be. I think your dp has to toughen up and insist on change or threaten to leave. Go on the government website and look up his rights www.gov.uk/agricultural-workers-rights Work out what he should be getting paid, he can then present that to his Dad as the minimum legal amount he needs to be paid.