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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I wish I had a better mum

9 replies

Fedduup32 · 15/08/2021 05:11

I’m really upset thinking if the type of mother that raised me.

I never felt loved or wanted. She told me on many occasions she never wanted me. She never looked after me and I basically looked after myself from a young age. I remember climbing on chairs to get food for myself. She would leave me alone all the time with older siblings and male relatives in the house. You can imagine what happened to me. I’ve had councelling for most my life so I am dealing with it but it still hurts me a lot thinking how neglectful she was. Even when she found out about the abuse she didn’t care at all.

I feel broken. Yes I’m married now abs have my kids snd might seem “normal” but I’m so damaged abs broken snd I’m worried I’ll always be like this.

I remember in my early teens being so angry at her and people used to comment that she “spoilt” me by giving me thing - like wtf! She did nothing for me but that’s the image she liked to portray that she was too nice and spoilt me little did people know how emotionally abusive she was to me. When other relatives found out about the sexual abuse she would tell them I’m making it up gor attention.

I hate this woman. She’s still alive and I still visit her as she’s my mum but I get times like today when I can’t sleep and think of how awful she is. Not once has she ever spoken to me about the abuse or anything. She always tells me she did her best.

OP posts:
SparklingLime · 15/08/2021 05:26

I’m really sorry, @Fedduup32. That’s incredibly hard.

Do you think going NC would help you? If so I would definitely suggest prioritising your own well-being now.

Flowers
FirmlyRooted · 15/08/2021 05:26

This sounds incredibly difficult, you seem very strong to have got through it and created your own family.

Why are you still seeing her? You have absolutely no obligation to see a person who has treated you so appallingly. Over on the stately homes thread the advice would probably be to go no contact or at least low contact

Squidlydoo · 15/08/2021 05:30

I’m so sorry. Please know nothing you experienced as a child is your fault.

Childhood trauma is so difficult and life affecting. Are you in a position to afford counselling?

I recommend Edith Egers books about overcoming trauma. Processing what happened to you is important.

ShippingNews · 15/08/2021 05:36

I still visit her as she’s my mum

You are not under any obligation to see her . Going No Contact or Low Contact would be a very sensible step for you. The fact that you need counselling to deal with what she did to you, certainly justifies going No Contact . You need to look after yourself.

I had a similar childhood - thankfully I moved far away when I got married so I didn't actually have to make that decision to go No Contact ,since I never saw her anyway .

I went Low Contact, just spoke to her once a month by phone and ignored her otherwise. When talking to her I used the "Grey Rock" technique ( Google it ) , just chatted about nothing, told her nothing about my life , and just went hmmm and oh really when she talked. It was quite harmless .

Best wishes to you xx

Youarestillintherunning · 15/08/2021 05:45

I'm so sorry for what you've experienced, I completely relate. Kindly, would therapy help you? I was so against getting professional help for the longest time, but it really has helped me to accept my childhood and begin to heal from it. In the past two months I've gone NC, it was really hard and I constantly questioned myself about whether or not it's the right thing to do. I'm now at a place where i have complete peace about my choice. I wish for you that peace too ❤

Sleepingdogs12 · 15/08/2021 06:47

She might have done what she thought was her best at the time but it doesn't mean it was good enough or that you were her priority. It was neglectful and abusive. She shouldn't dismiss your experiences but she is unlikely to accept where she went wrong. Please distance yourself as she can't give you what you need to move on in your own life.

candlelightsatdawn · 15/08/2021 07:10

You need to visit the stately homes thread on here. It's such a resource and honestly you will find a lot of people that will offer support.

It's ok to be angry, you do not have to visit her. I'm so sorry this happened OP. You need to grieve foe the mother you didn't have. All shades of painful but your not alone and your not broken, breaking generation trauma bonds can make you feel like that way but I promise it's not xxx

DrManhattan · 15/08/2021 08:46

You don't have to go and see her. You don't owe her anything. Don't go for a while and see how you feel. You haven't done anything wrong xxx

BrilloPaddy · 15/08/2021 08:57

I'm really low contact with my Mum. My sister is the golden child and I'm the scapegoat.

In an attempt to make an effort, I took Mum and my DD's out for afternoon tea for Mother's Day a few years ago. I paid nearly £200 to go to The Ivy, and one of the waiters took a lovely photo of us all which one of my DD's then posted on FB tagging us all. Mum untagged herself and asked DD to remove it as it had "upset" my sister............ never mind that they go on holiday together, see each other every day at work (Mum gave sister half of her business) and they go for lunch etc most days and constantly take photos/share on social media.

I give up. It's just not worth the stress and heartache. I focus on being the best Mum I can to my DD's and will never make them feel as I've done.

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