People pleasers

[calmdownlove]

My elderly mother is a huge people pleaser, but by being so she creates so much extra work as she won't commit or decide what she wants. It drives me nuts!!! No matter how many times I tell her she just can't give me a straight answer!

Can you give an example?

Give her choices without telling her which you prefer.
Limit choices to 2 options.

e.g. ‘I can pick you up at 1pm or 1.30pm, what is best for you?’

If she's like my mum, she would say:
"Oh whatever is best for you dear..... in fact I could walk to the corner and wait to save you the bother of parking in my drive..... or really I am not sure I need a lift at all - I've just thought about it, and could manage it just fine" (ie to take 3buses with her heavy backpack).... no really it's no problem at all - I love to walk and take buses"

"Mum it's truly no problem - I'm happy to pick you up. Just tell me what time"

"Well what works for you best? I am so flexible.... and you must be so tired and busy"

"Ok - 1 then?"

" well will that give you enough time with DC at X before heading for me? Because the last thing I want is to put you out"

"Yes it's fine"

"But you know it doesn't need to be exact.... please don't stress- I will just be standing on the corner. Very happy to stand. I love to stand"

"No please stay in your house"
"Really it's no bother"
"Ok fine- see you at 1"

Then probably she'd call on the day and say she can go on her own, despite there being a thunder storm and her being late seventies with luggage etc and we'd have to have the whole conversation again.

Is that it, OP?

So don't give her a choice. 'I'll pick you up at1' etc

@BraveGoldie your mum sounds like a right martyr. Only way to cope is to give her orders...

@BraveGoldie

I think you and I must share a mum. It's really frustrating and draining!

I do my mum's online Sainsbury's
Shopping for her. Here's how the conversation goes:

Me: What do you want this week?

Mum: whatever suits you

Me: it doesn't matter. Tell me what you want.

Mum: oh I'm not fussed

Me: you must know what you want

Mum: ok. Some bread please

Me: what type?

Mum: I don't mind. Whatever you think.

Me: farmhouse, sliced, white, brown?

Mum: you decide

Me: mum, just tell me you want a
Sainsbury's sliced load

This scenario goes on for everything on her shopping list

She says she doesn't want to cause me any trouble as she knows I'm busy. She them makes me spend four or five times more on things!

@imtoooldforthiscrap

*@BraveGoldie*

I think you and I must share a mum. It's really frustrating and draining!

It can be frustrating at times, but I would pick it a thousand times over narcissism!

@johnnybegoode I have this issue too but I now make her have a written list ready and this seams to resolve the issue.