Too think she's expecting too much?

[Lemonopolis1]

I have 3 DC. I live around a 30 minute drive (easily double in rush hour traffic) from my DM. She doesn't drive but expects me to take the children over weekly. I understand it's easier for me to go to her instead of her getting numerous buses/trains which would probably take over an hour each way, but still it's a hour round trip for me so I feel a lot of expect weekly.
Eldest is in primary school, middle in nursery and youngest still at home. So it has to be at the weekend due to school, which means every weekend has been occupied by visiting her. It's almost become second nature but now we're in the school holidays and I realise how little free time we have during school term due to weekends being accounted for I'm getting a bit fed up. And she's not at all greatful for it, very entitled with it and I honestly think she views herself a third parent.
She plays on the fact the kids love going over, as if they absolutely adore her, when in reality it's because when they're there without me/DH they get to do whatever they please. When they stay over I'm pretty sure there's absolutely no bed time, minimal teeth brushing, absolutely no nutritional food etc (I do ask about these things but I get very vague answers). They stay over often, she often brings it up in front of the kids so I look the bad guy if I refuse.
I often read on here about people struggling to be assertive with their mothers and I definitely can relate. As I said further up she's very entitled and seems to see herself as a third parent, so if I was to say that I'm not coming over EVERY weekend, or no they aren't staying then she acts really quite childish and bratty. Tbh I'd love to tell her to fuck off when she acts like this but we don't really have any other family so I don't want to do that for kids sake.
Any advice other than just putting my foot down?

Imo fill up the week ends... Stuff to do with the dc. If she claims to love them surely she wants them to have fun? Not stuck indoors being fed shite..

I don't understand why so many people on here visit their parents every weekend, especially when they absolutely grudge it. We have never had family remotely nearby when we've had dc though so that's maybe why I just don't get it. We see my parents typically every 2 months and fil once a year maybe.

Visit maybe every second weekend at most, that's surely plenty with the frequent sleepovers.

I'd drop the kids of for a sleepover one weekend a month and relish the free time!

I’d love it if my mum took my child regularly for a sleepover.

So your quality time as a family is taken up with someone you resent spending so much time with?

Do something else. Don't agree when she asks, say something vague. Then plan what you want to do.

Every weekend! I would hate that. Weekend time should have some relaxation (hard with 3 children). The idea of feeling like you have to go every weekend sounds like a chore

It seems , to me, these days, that for every MNetter who begrudges seeing their own parents , once a week, that there's another MNetter who wishes that they could see their parents at least once a month or even a year.

Be careful what you wish for.

In this situation, I would occasionally visit during the week with the littlest, and send them all once a month for a sleepover. My Mum lives close and I see her once or twice a week because I want to, if you don't want to, then don't!

Do you work? Could you go in the week?

What about after school some fridays? Ask her to have tea ready fir you all. Take pjs and let kids fall asleep on way home.

Every weekend is too much.

Every weekend is too much. I agree. Fit her in every few weeks around your plans.

Just gradually cut it back to a level you are happier with. Just plan other stuff and start saying you can't make it that particular week and it will become a new norm. Hold fast when she throws a paddy, you are allowed to actually enjoy your own weekend with your children once in while!

seems to me the way she treats the kids is NOT doing them a lot of good. You are the Mum put your foot down.

Now covid restrictions are lifting can you book a few things in with friends? Tickets to adventure farms or swimming or whatever, she doesnt need to know that you booked it. There will likely be birthday parties etc every weekend soon as well. Ir could you sign them up for some trial classes at various clubs or something. Every weekend when you work is too much. Otherwise invent a reason that you can't drive, car trouble or an injury or something.

Either that or you'll have to bite the bullet and start telling her that you need some time on your own with the children and will be there the weekend after. And don't get sucked into an argument about it, if she kicks off just say cheerfully that you'll have to agree to disagree or that you aren't going to discuss it with her as you dont want to fall out and if she throws her toys out the pram a generic 'I'm sorry you feel that way'

What about after school some fridays? Ask her to have tea ready fir you all. Take pjs and let kids fall asleep on way home
The likes of this sounds better in theory but in practice they're shattered after a week of schooling on a Friday, get caught in rush hour traffic on the way over so takes an age, by the time we'd get there it would almost be the kids usual getting ready for bedtime. The second we're thought the door and my back in turned they're filled to the brim with chocolate, biscuits, sweets, crisps. So they wouldn't touch a meal and their sleep schedule would be fucked. Totally messing them up for the rest of the weekend. If these things were occasional I wouldn't mind but it's every single time - buying their love with shite food!

seems to me the way she treats the kids is NOT doing them a lot of good.
I whole heartedly agree, and I really do need to put my foot down but I just try so hard to avoid conflict for the kids sake because she's just so bloody difficult

What's wrong with just letting her be bratty?

Reduce it to every other weekend and deal with her like you would your toddler.

Quite often people say oh I can't do this or that, and when you ask why they talk about the other person being angry or sulking or badmouthing them to third parties etc and I say ok, and what happens then? Will you spontaneously combust? Will the sky fall on your head? Etc.

When you get down to it it's fear of someone being cross with you because they don't get their own way.

This is the important bit. It's ok if someone is pissed off with you. It's ok. In the vast majority of cases, they get over it and you move forward with them accepting the change. (Those that don't need different handling but are manageable too, one way or another)

Pick her up on your way to pick up the kids, bring her back to yours for tea and drop her home once they're in bed? Then you control what they're eating/doing and she still gets to spend time with them. Then a sleepover at hers once a month where she can do what she likes and take the consequences!

Can I just ask, surely its not just the holidays that has been a nudge, what about lockdown. You need to start pulling back. Are the kids not doing activities/clubs on the weekend to fit in visits. For start I would be every 2 weeks. And she makes arrangements with you not in front of the kids. If she want more she come to tou, (see how much she bothers when she has to make the time and effort), and start letting the kids do stuff on the weekends. Friends/clubs/ take them to the park etc etc. You need to look at the book that gets recommended Toxic Parents. You are in FOG fear, obligation and guilt. If she throws a tantrum treat her like a toddler. Does your DH have family near by. If both sides wanted to see the kids you never would!!

Invite her to come to you midweek to arrive afternoon and stay over or you drop her back in the evening?? The DC could have a slightly later bedroom but at least they wouldn't be full of crap food?

I mean if you have a few weekends on the trot booked up then she either comes over or doesn't see the DC surely? She could do the school pick up after having spent time with the younger two.

I'm inclined to say YABU as I would love to live close to my mum and couldn't imagine not seeing her every week if she was only a half hour away. Not to mention I'd let her feed my children dog food if it meant I got regular babysitting. However, it doesn't seem you have the greatest relationship with her so if you don't want to spend so much time with her then you really don't have to. Go every second week?

She acts like the third parent because your still acting like a child. You set the routine you say if they can stay at nans or not and you decide if and when you drive over. Start cutting back or accept it will always be this way. Let her spit her dummy out if she cares about a relationship with the children she will soon learn her place and respect your boundaries (most of the time).

I don't think that those posters saying things like "you're so lucky I'd love to see my mum so often" are helping at all. Not all mums are the same. My mum is fab and lives close so we see her a lot, but I have friends whose mums are hard work and make their lives harder. If you have a mum, and you love her and enjoy being with her, you are lucky, even if she lives far away. If you have a difficult mum you are less fortunate, wherever she lives.
OP, you and your children need variety and downtime at thr weekends, so start by booking in some fixed non-refundable activities with friends about once a month and wean your mum down gradually.
And by way of encouragement, children are not won over by crap food forever, they will soon see through it all and will want to do other things

Straight choice - either put up with it or tell her once a month is all you can manage.

You need to start being a mother rather than a child.

Stop travelling to her.

Start doing things at yours at the weekend.

Reduce their reliance on her.

Tell her that's it, they are your children.

You need to grow up and assert yourself.

I honestly do not understand people being so enmeshed with a parent that they allow them to boss them about.

@FortniteBoysMum

She acts like the third parent because your still acting like a child. You set the routine you say if they can stay at nans or not and you decide if and when you drive over. Start cutting back or accept it will always be this way. Let her spit her dummy out if she cares about a relationship with the children she will soon learn her place and respect your boundaries (most of the time).

Essentially the above.

You're choosing to do an hour's round trip every weekend that buggers up your family time and results in your children being fed rubbish food.

Why?

You then have to compensate by feeding them appropriately, managing good sleep/hygiene habits all the time whilst your mum hands out treats.

It's not usually a problem GP's spoiling GC's but only if it's occasionally.

You're letting a situation continue that's too your families detriment to placate your mother.

Put bluntly, she's had her turn. It's now yours and you need to start prioritising being a mother over being a child.

Her feelings/manipulation/entitlement need to be put in a box.

Decide what level of contact you think is appropriate (I'd suggest once a month max) and stick to it.

Given she's not visiting you it's actually easier. You don't have to get in the car. You don't have to agree to sleepovers.

If she's upset so what? You're upset as things stand.

This dynamic isn't good for you or your children.