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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bad Mum

26 replies

HBKate · 14/08/2021 19:42

My grown up sons no longer speak to each other, I try to do the best for both of them but the younger one is super needy.
He recently threw a party for my milestone Birthday, he invited family and my friends, I didn’t invite my older son, my best friends say that they would never have agreed to a party thrown by one child and not inviting the other, most say they would have refused the party unless both were going.
I think I’ve made a bad mistake, do you think I’m a bad parent?

OP posts:

inmyslippers · 14/08/2021 19:43

My mum went on holiday with my 3 siblings after we fell out. Can't say I've forgotten. Im cordial but if it's down to me she'll be going into a care home

purpleme12 · 14/08/2021 19:46

Why did you not invite?
Surely they could be in the same room for your birthday even if they're not normally speaking to each other?
If not, it's very sad

Thesearmsofmine · 14/08/2021 19:46

I think I would have invited my other son too.

HeartShapedBox · 14/08/2021 19:48

I think I'd have invited the older one and told the youngest tough titty, but I suppose it depends on why they no longer speak.

Waspsarearseholes · 14/08/2021 20:24

You've excluded one of your children from an event where the rest of your family and your friends were present. He's not going to think that's ok. Looks like it will be you and your youngest who the eldest isn't speaking to now and I can't say I'd blame him.

StarDrawers · 14/08/2021 20:27

I think you're in a difficult position and it's not fair of your children to drag you into their arguments.

You should have invited whoever you wanted to be there.

StarDrawers · 14/08/2021 20:27

But your older son may be very upset.

spongedod · 14/08/2021 20:30

Can't judge your parenting on one event but that was an awful thing to do to one of your children for no reason

PegasusReturns · 14/08/2021 20:30

It very much depends on why there not speaking, but I imagine your elder DS will be very hurt and who could blame him?

Fl0w3ry · 15/08/2021 02:23

In your older sons eyes it will probably seem like you have picked sides and are freezing him out. I think you might have made a mistake doing that because you may have harmed your own relationship with your older son now.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/08/2021 02:32

Sorry, I think you've made a huge mistake, and one your eldest will probably never forget.

WTF475878237NC · 15/08/2021 03:02

If you are involved in their dispute and have taken the side of your younger one then your eldest may not be as surprised. I can't imagine how he couldn't be hurt if not a bit offended by this though.

I would have thanked my youngest for the offer but politely and regretfully declined the party if he said I couldn't invite my other child.

Hydrate · 15/08/2021 03:35

Yes.

NumberTheory · 15/08/2021 03:36

I'd have been really annoyed at the younger son for organizing it like that - it seems like he was using you to get a dig in at his brother and you allowed it.

Have you talked to your older son about it?

Armychefbethebest · 15/08/2021 03:38

You should have invited your son op sorry he will think you are taking sides now

karasviper · 15/08/2021 03:45

You have picked sides by excluding your eldest from a milestone birthday and I suspect he’ll see it that way too. I’d be having a think about why. You say your youngest is more ‘needy’. How old are they both? They’re grown adults so really ought to sort out between them but you’ve now very clearly signalled your involvement and that you’re favouring the younger brother. Pretty hurtful for the older one I’d say.

Interesting your main thought it how this reflects on you - what your friends think, what MN thinks. It’s clearly impossible to say if you’re a bad mum, it does seem this is a petty big mistake. What was your thought process around excluding the older son? What does he think about it? How does he feel?

YouJustDoYou · 15/08/2021 03:57

oh dear.

PRsecrets · 15/08/2021 04:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Peoniesandpeaches · 15/08/2021 05:11

If it really took someone else pointing out that it’s not ok to have a milestone birthday party with everyone invited bar your son then yeah you might want to rethink the “worlds greatest mum” mug.
My mum pulls this crap with my sister all the time and it has spectacularly ruined our relationship her excuse is much like yours that my sister is “very needy” but honestly all children need their mum.

OaxacaChihuahua · 15/08/2021 05:12

I think you’re in a very difficult position and I really feel for you

Hekatestorch · 15/08/2021 05:12

I think its really difficult to say. We don't know the details.

I have spent time not speaking to dbro. Never expected my mum to not speak to him because it was between us. My brother has then put mum in the position of choosing between me and him. Or rather our kids. I always stepped back and refused to be part of putting mum in that position. Because these are the games dbro plays and I won't engage.

In all honesty, did you even speak to younger son about inviting the older one? Did you discuss it at all with the older one?

Did the younger one do this so he could say he didn't want the other brother there, as he was organising it. And organised it, just to exclude the older one?

Also depends why they fell out.

Landlubber2019 · 15/08/2021 05:36

My grown up sons no longer speak to each other, I try to do the best for both of them but the younger one is super needy.

How do you respond to your youngest neediness and how does that affect your eldest? How old are your kids?

He recently threw a party for my milestone Birthday, he invited family and my friends, I didn’t invite my older son

Why did you not invite your eldest to a family event?

my best friends say that they would never have agreed to a party thrown by one child and not inviting the other, most say they would have refused the party unless both were going. I think I’ve made a bad mistake, do you think I’m a bad parent?

Do you really think you have made a bad mistake? is this an isolated mistake or part of bigger problem between you and your eldest child?
Are you a bad parent? I don't know but this family party highlighted publicly how you feel about your children and it appears there is some favouritism going on.....

Billandben444 · 15/08/2021 06:03

You've taken sides and need to sit down and apologise to eldest son before it's too late. Yes, this was a rotten thing for a mother to do (well, you did ask).

user1471457751 · 15/08/2021 07:51

Unless it was a surprise party for you,then yes it was pretty shit not to invite your other child. The fact you were able to keep it from him and excluded him from a family event will make him feel like crap. You shouldn't have needed your friends to point this out to you.

The only way it could possibly be acceptable is if your son has a history of being horrific e.g. absuing you and his brother. Otherwise it does seem like you've played favourites and are a bad mum

CorianderBee · 15/08/2021 13:32

Yeah... unless there was abuse of some kind between them that's a cunt move. Your sons don't have to be friends but they can be in a room together for a few hours.

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