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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for advice on holidaying with another family

33 replies

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 14/08/2021 19:31

I'm a single mum, and in just over a week I'm going on holiday with another mum and her 2 DC (she's married but husband isn't coming with us). She's one of my closest friends but I just wanted some advice from those who've done this before as how we all best get along and have a lovely week.

My main concern is our DC. We have 2 kids aged 5 and 8(hers)/9(mine) each. The younger ones are easy going as anything but the older ones are like chalk and cheese. My 9yo is fairly carefree and will try anything without complaint but she's also very blunt and speaks her mind, so for example she is happy to say "I want to play on my own now" and will walk away even if the other person wants to carry on playing. whereas my friend's DD is quite an anxious little thing, more cautious than DD and also more sensitive. She likes to be in charge of the activity, which my DD is absolutely fine with as she says this girl always thinks of cool things to do. But she's also quite clingy with DD and is very dependant on knowing they're the bestest of best friends. For example she will tell DD she loves her etc but DD really isn't into being affectionate with anyone but me, her dad and brother, so just says 'ok' back and the other little girl gets really upset. Another example is they came to DD's birthday party a few months ago and they had to leave because the other little girl was upset that DD was playing with her other friends so much. Which DD was in turn upset about as she doesn't like to be made to feel guilty.

I'm a bit nervous about how we will all live together in a cottage for a week 😬 any general advice or advice to minimise any upset they may cause each other? I teach much older kids who have a much different dynamic with one another and I'm a bit clueless when it comes to smaller ones.

OP posts:
BendingSpoons · 14/08/2021 19:37

How have you worked out the rooms? Might be best if the older girls aren't sharing, or if they are, give your DD access to your room for space. Things might be easier if you have more planned and also have a bit of a routine that gives your DD her own space e.g. an hour before dinner to read by herself, one of the adults take their children out to pick up takeaway etc.

Original poster
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 14/08/2021 20:12

Adults have their own rooms and the siblings are sharing with each other, as my kids sleep together anyway (they do have their own rooms but one always ends up in the other's bed).

Good idea about reading time before dinner. I want to be able to establish this before we go and that's a good one!

OP posts:
SpamIAm · 14/08/2021 20:21

I'd just echo PP really about making sure they get some time apart and know they can take themselves off to the bedroom if they need some space. Might be worth going out just the three of you once or twice as well, although I appreciate that can be awkward sometimes.

Angryfrommanchester1 · 14/08/2021 20:26

Tell your DD to be considerate of the other girls feelings and also schedule time away from them too, to allow your DD a break in case it all gets too intense.

Holly60 · 14/08/2021 20:31

Yeah I’d say schedule in adult- imposed ‘quiet time’ so that it’s not your daughter having to say she wants time alone. ‘Right girls, dinner (lunch, bedtime, etc) is in an hour so you are going to go and have some time to read or chill out. DD you go to your room, DD’s friend off to yours and see you both for dinner. enjoy girls’

Original poster
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 14/08/2021 20:34

@Angryfrommanchester1 I do tell her to be considerate and tactful but most adults haven't aced the art of being tactful and my 9yo doesnt ace it either. In her eyes, telling them she wants to play on her own now, and not saying "because you're boring/annoying me" (or however she really feels) is a tactful move 😬. I certainly won't tell her to say things she doesn't feel just to please someone eg saying "You're my best friend too" or "I love you too" etc

OP posts:
Original poster
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 14/08/2021 20:36

Definitely gonna message my friend and say we will do alone time, probably when the adults are making dinner, to avoid any upset we've had previously. At least that way if DD is getting fed up I can say just one more hour! Not sure how other girl will take it but if it's a 'house rule' then ahw hopefully won't take it personally

OP posts:
itsgettingwierd · 14/08/2021 20:38

Was going to suggest siblings share so think that will help you a lot.

I think this will work dependent on how your friend deals with it.

I had a friend who's dd was like your friends and my ds is passive, likes alone time and quite blunt (he has asd).

It would have been fine if my friend expected her dd to respect others feelings but she expected everyone to dance to her dds tune.
If her dd upset someone "she didn't mean it"

Reading time sounds good.

Also could you create some protect your dd wants to do (does she like crafts/ pictures writing and drawing?) and buy her a scrapbook and pens etc so she can make a diary each day for quiet time and it gives her an excuse to go to her room and "work on her project" when she needs space. I just think they can judge your dd less for wanting her space if she reframed her wording?

Angryfrommanchester1 · 15/08/2021 00:22

[quote FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop]@Angryfrommanchester1 I do tell her to be considerate and tactful but most adults haven't aced the art of being tactful and my 9yo doesnt ace it either. In her eyes, telling them she wants to play on her own now, and not saying "because you're boring/annoying me" (or however she really feels) is a tactful move 😬. I certainly won't tell her to say things she doesn't feel just to please someone eg saying "You're my best friend too" or "I love you too" etc[/quote]
I didn’t say that you should tell the other girl that 🤷‍♀️
I gave a balanced view of a bit of give and take, which from experience you will certainly need spending time in close proximity with another family on holiday like this.
Whilst I enjoyed our joint getaways with family and friends there is a huge need for increased diplomacy, consideration and a lot of tongue biting from all participants.

TwoShades1 · 15/08/2021 00:26

I was going to say separate accommodation but it seems you are all staying in the one cottage. Definitely do some things apart, particularly trips or meals out.

RomainingCalm · 15/08/2021 00:32

My advice from holidays with other families:

Have a few things planned so you know what you'll do during the day. Nothing worse than everyone getting up, pottering about and asking each other 'what do you want to do?' followed by 'I don't mind, whatever you fancy.'

Get out every day, even if the DC seem to be playing nicely in the cottage - even if it's just a couple of hours and a change of scenery.

Plan in some space from each other, taking your DC down to the park or to pick up a few things from the supermarket gives everyone some breathing space.

Reading/quiet time is a good shout, I would chat to your friend beforehand so you're both on the same page.

Chat to your friend about things like bedtime, meals, budget for day trips etc. It's much easier to have those conversations before you go.

Zipperdidoodaa · 15/08/2021 00:37

Having done similar with a couple of friends (separately) and our children over several years and had similar issues I would factor in more than just a bit of time before dinner. A whole week with another family, in the same house, can be quite intense and not just for the children! I have learnt to factor in a couple of mornings or afternoons away from the other family through the week in order to take the pressure off a bit. It's worked well for us and everyone comes back together more relaxed. Good luck and enjoy your holiday op.

RomainingCalm · 15/08/2021 00:38

Meant to add, can you agree that you and your friend each get a few hours during the week to chill out, have a bath, read your book. It doesn't need to be a lot but spending every day and evening together can be exhausting and the adults need to recharge as well.

Zipperdidoodaa · 15/08/2021 00:44

Also as others have said discuss having time apart with your friend before you go and have something planned for you and your children so that you can get up and get going rather than hanging about in the house as the children are then more likely to get bored and get on each other's nerves.

Quitelikeacatslife · 15/08/2021 00:54

I agree plan with friend a day when you do separate days out with your kids. Don't force them to play together ie if one child hanging round adults then let them. Movie on in evening for everyone to chill.
I once did hol like this and my friend was single parent, I'd say it was lovely holiday but the only spanner in the works was parenting style. She would let her DD dictate what we did/ate etc whereas I was more that the adults would decide (and consult kids) led to a few sulks

RoseMartha · 15/08/2021 01:02

As other people have said time apart

Also you take her dc for any afternoon to give her alone time and visa versa

Have everyone, kids included pitch in with laying table, washing up and carrying stuff on days out suitable to their age.

Agree with other adult some basic ground rules.

Dont be surprised or too hard on yourself if it sometimes doesnt go to plan and kids end up fighting or falling out.

Enjoy it and dont overthink or over plan.

Dc and I are about to do this type of holiday for a third time with same other family.

Hope you have fun. 🤗

SausageRollFan · 29/08/2021 22:05

I would advise not going on holiday with them again OP. It's probably a bit late for that now though since you did it again anyway.

StrongCoffeAvalanche · 29/08/2021 22:13

Ah so you had concerns about Alyssa before you went on the holiday. You made it sound like you didn't know she was awful until you were already there

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/08/2021 22:56

Yes clearly the concerns were already there! I would have said “separate cottages” if I’d seen this thread to advice too.

Paperplain · 29/08/2021 22:56

I can't find the third thread - can anyone link it please?!

secretfreckle · 29/08/2021 23:11

It's been deleted.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/08/2021 23:13

As has the one about the resort - but I’m really glad I looked as it looks fab! Crieff Hydro Hotel if anyone is interested. They’ve got some good advertising out of this, as has Dobble!

5foot5 · 29/08/2021 23:13

'I can't find the third thread - can anyone link it please?!*
Sadly it has been deleted

Paperplain · 29/08/2021 23:27

@5foot5

'I can't find the third thread - can anyone link it please?!* Sadly it has been deleted
Arh, shame. Why was it deleted?
SausageRollFan · 29/08/2021 23:38

Because op posted an almost identical thread last year so was accused of being a troll. But it seems she just has lots of friends with bratty children, or just likes to subject herself to the same nightmare every year. Who knows.