Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Asking for help

23 replies

KatyJ1985 · 14/08/2021 18:34

New to this forum but keen to understand if I am being unreasonable or unfair in what I am asking from my husband. I haven’t got anyone else to ask for advice.

We both work and I am the higher earner and have quite a demanding role however since lockdown have worked from home whilst my husband has physically left for the office everyday. Since this set up has started my husband has literally not lifted a finger. He comes in from work, has a bath, waits for his dinner eats it then watches TV.

During lockdown and currently as it’s school holidays I have also been looking after our 4 year old. This means that I log on at 06:30 before he wakes up and I often don’t get to log off from work until 8ish to keep on top of my work and not get behind-fine not a problem. The house is always clean and tidy when he comes in, clothes washed and meals cooked, son had his dinner and bathed etc however I have had the audacity to ask if he can take the bins out and load the dishwasher/wipe the kitchen sides down after dinner.

He has said this is completely unreasonable as we have dinner at 08:30 and by the time he is eaten it he wants to relax so if I want him to help then dinner needs to be earlier and also that I have been sat at home all day so he doesn’t see why he should have to.

Am I asking for too much?

OP posts:

AnonymousCheerleader · 14/08/2021 18:51

Stop cooking for him. Fuck that shit.

fizznchips · 14/08/2021 18:57

You are definitely not asking for too much, he sounds delightful! Maybe he could cook the dinner???

Notaroadrunner · 14/08/2021 19:03

You're working from home while minding your child. I'd be leaving everything else to the side - no cooking, washing, emptying dishwasher etc, - for a few days. Let it build up and let him see that you are not a fucking unpaid skivvy there to make his life easy. Why don't you have childcare for your dc? If you were working in an office you'd have to sort something. You cannot be expected to work from home while minding a child. I'm surprised your employer is on board with this now that childcare facilities are open.

laalaaland · 14/08/2021 19:06

oh come on. He is being a dick and you know it. Don't stand for this behaviour. You are WORKING from home...AND currently looking after your child.

Choose a good time to sit down and have a proper calm adult conversation with him about it. How he reacts will decide your next steps.

GNCQ · 14/08/2021 19:06

Fucking hell! I'm surprised he isn't under the patio already.

Original poster

KatyJ1985 · 14/08/2021 19:08

I have tried that one before as funnily enough after working all day I also don’t really want to cook dinner every night of the week sometimes I am just knackered but he says that he will just eat toast or get a takeaway. I just can’t seem to get him to understand that I am not off work sat at home in fact I am doing more than I was before plus all the housework and trying to entertain a 4 year old

OP posts:

ghostyslovesheets · 14/08/2021 19:09

No you are NOT asking too much - he's being a twat

but long term you need holiday childcare - I would be in trouble if work found I was working and had a child to care for

AttaGirrrrl · 14/08/2021 19:10

Stop ‘asking for help’. Instead, tell him he needs to do his fair share of life.

AttaGirrrrl · 14/08/2021 19:12

Btw I almost wrote ‘his fair share of house work / admin / childcare’, but it isn’t that, is it? It is literally, life - and he needs to do his share of it.

Original poster

KatyJ1985 · 14/08/2021 19:15

My son is 4 so in school and usually at half terms etc my mum and dad had him but my dads health has taken a turn for the worse this year and my mum is having to work from home too and obviously a lot older so the summer holidays are bit much for them now. They have had him for a few days and I am fine having him he is not the issue at all I am just frustrated I guess that he can’t see what’s going on here and that he’s using the work from home situation as an excuse to be lazy and make me feel like I am being unfair to ask for help.

OP posts:

WallaceinAnderland · 14/08/2021 19:15

I voted YABU for 2 reasons

Doing all the cleaning, cooking, childcare, etc.
Not saying anything about it to him

Original poster

KatyJ1985 · 14/08/2021 19:27

I have said something we go though this cycle every few months where I get to the point where I break and say I need some help, an argument ensues, after sulking for a day or so he says he will help more and that lasts a couple of days then it reverts back. This time however he has thrown the I am sat at home all day comment in and that I am being nag both of which have pissed me off. I would just go back to work but financially we are a lot better off not having to pay for travel etc

OP posts:

IceLace100 · 14/08/2021 19:32

Sounds like he has you exactly where he wants you. Higher earner, doing most of the childcare and most household tasks.

He is taking the absolute piss.

WallaceinAnderland · 14/08/2021 19:42

@KatyJ1985

I think you need to take the financial hit and go back to working outside the home. Your dh sounds like a knob, sorry.

nancybotwinbloom · 14/08/2021 19:43

You know you are not unreasonable.

I have the same set up but my DH is great round the house. He can't be fucked on a week day I get it but he does 90% of everything of a weekend.

We batch cook also between us to help through the week.

KILNAMATRA · 14/08/2021 19:44

Maybe he can cough up for a cleaner? And cough up for “get fresh” meals or similar? Then he can have his clean house dishes done dinner made shite.. ask him her to come 3.30 or 4 pm .. so she can be ready for his arrival..

Original poster

KatyJ1985 · 14/08/2021 19:48

I know it doesn’t sound like it from this post but I am not a pushover under normal circumstances quite the opposite in fact but I made the mistake of almost over adapting during the pandemic and now he can’t seem to remember how real life has to work and no matter what I say or how big a row we have he won’t budge on this opinion. Also and this is another thing that really gets to me and he knows it my parents relationship is quite toxic they are great parents & grandparents but shouldn’t be together.
My dad is quite downtrodden, pretty much has to agree with whatever my mum says and do whatever she says or gets ignored for weeks so he just agrees for an easy life even when it’s totally unreasonable. Whenever I do pull him up on anything now he throws in “If you think I am turning out like your dad then you are wrong” which I find both hurtful as he knows they upset me and unfair as it’s not comparable I just want the dishwasher loaded once a day..

OP posts:

AttaGirrrrl · 14/08/2021 19:50

What are his good points?

Honestly, if you’re doing everything anyway, would you be better without him?

RubaiyatOfAnyone · 14/08/2021 20:08

If you split up he would have to do his own cooking and chores, plus eow childcare if he could be bothered with his own child, whereas your life would actually get easier not catering to him.

This does not give a glowing review of the upsides of marriage for you…

Original poster

KatyJ1985 · 14/08/2021 20:12

When we get on we get on really well and are very close, he’s a good dad and the kids adore him, we have been together since I was 17 and I think whilst I do pretty much everything I would feel a bit lost without him. The problem is I think he knows this so has me in a bit of a position.

OP posts:

thelastgoldeneagle · 14/08/2021 20:20

What a bellend. What is wrong with all these fucking useless men???

Why don't you leave him to wfh for a day with dc and fuck off somewhere, see how easy he finds it?? He's an arse.

Talk to him, spell out how easy he has things, and agree a fair division of labour. Or bury him under the patio!

WallaceinAnderland · 14/08/2021 20:20

He's not a good dad. A good dad takes care of his children without having to be asked. He keeps the house clean and tidy, he shops for food and cooks it, he washes the families clothes and all the other things that go with running a house. Most importantly a good dad respects the children's mother and shows it by caring for her just as much as himself.

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 15/08/2021 13:06

As above. HE IS NOT A GOOD DAD!

Show him this thread. Stop looking after him.
Read him the riot act. This is wildly unacceptable from a supposedly decent person. He's a lazy arse.

Flip