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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have been upset by this?

15 replies

FurCoatAndNoBanter · 14/08/2021 16:59

I have recently had our first baby, traumatic birth, honestly thought we may loose baby due to haemorrhaging prior to EMCS. We're both fine now but recovery and feeding were initially very draining and I was all over the place. Due to covid my inlaws couldn't visit but we were able to leave the ward to see them. I was really sore and so emotional, having had a difficult first night my DH asked inlaws if they could buy a dummy as I felt it may help settle baby. When they arrived there was no 'thanks for coming to see us' no niceties to be honest. I got sneered at by MIL saying she couldn't believe the first thing I had asked for was a dummy. I felt so low I never even tried DS with it. I think I was actually too tired to react but now I realise she was quite nasty and judgemental. Since then there have been multiple small comments about car seat being too tight, nappies too big etc. Just little things but it's really getting to me.

Is it just me or would anybody else find this upsetting?

OP posts:

GallowwayGirl88 · 14/08/2021 20:11

Sounds awful OP.
You need love and support.

Ask DH to speak to them, and if they don’t change they don’t get to see you?

Booboosweet · 14/08/2021 20:18

I think maybe you're feeling a little bit vulnerable at the moment so maybe taking things to heart. Gently, I think it might have been a bad attempt at humour and you're reading to much into it.

CSIblonde · 14/08/2021 20:24

Well she's given you plenty of reason to limit the time you spend with her now, hasn't she ?. If she has form for being this awful , will geting your partner to speak to her change anything? If not, put in some distance, meet on neutral territory ( park, cafe) , with back up like a friend or your partner & enjoy not having her around so much. Any bitchy comment, ignore or change the subject. She enjoys your reaction so don't give it to her.

TheCanyon · 14/08/2021 20:42

I understand you're upset, but I think you're probably over thinking. I had four very traumatic births too, everything hurt a million times more. My fil was staying at ours when I went into prem Labour with dd2, he's as blunt as fuck, Not a brain cell in his head and said/did whatever he fancied, pissing me off to no end.

Not useful now but Scbu wouldve had a lot of dummies (used to encourage suckling in preemies), if you had asked then a midwife could've got one for you.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 14/08/2021 20:45

I had ds 5 weeks early. First thing mil said was great (my) dh can go on holiday with her and fil now.. No congratulations.. No concern as I had had a suspected heart attack... Not 1 text to me or dh after the birth announcement phone call.
Ime having a dc brings out the worst in some people.. No reason you need to see her at all.

Thatstheway · 14/08/2021 20:53

I think you are maybe a little more sensitive than usual & over thinking things ( understable you're probably knackered).

RJnomore1 · 14/08/2021 20:56

I’m not a fan of dummies but the current advice is they can help prevent cot death (unless that’s changed again and I missed it, my kids are grown) so her sneering is pretty pathetic.

Congrats on your lovely baby.

ExpressDelivery · 14/08/2021 20:57

Unless you have reason to think she's an awful person, she's probably just trying to help, pointing out things that could be better. I understand it's very annoying, but I don't think there's necessarily malice in it.

How would you react if your mother pointed out the straps were too tight?

BornIn78 · 14/08/2021 21:01

Did I read that right - you actually left a hospital ward with your newborn baby, after a EMCS, to go and visit your in-laws?

Whose bright idea was that? A comment about a dummy is the least of your worries.

Draw yourself some boundaries, fast.

Todaytomorrowyesterday · 14/08/2021 21:04

My first born had a dummy…..we spent 24 hours with our finger in her mouth as the only way to settle her…everybody had an opinion. Why they feel the need to say anything no idea. Especially in a new mum shattered hormonal vulnerable position! My second I took them with she wasn’t interested - do what’s right for your child and try to ignore the ‘helpful’ usually useless comments!!

My sister text me with my first not asking after baby but does she have your slug eyebrows?? She’ll need to wax them when she older. Grhh

welshladywhois40 · 14/08/2021 21:14

It almost doesn't matter it was about a dummy but it sounds like she isn't helping your confidence so can you reduce contact for a bit if she isn't helping?

I introduced a dummy for my son at a week as he was over feeding - feeding till he threw up and used a dummy to regulate his intake as he was comfort sucking on his bottle.

My mil also hates a dummy - but funnily her son (my partner) had one till he 4.

PlanDeRaccordement · 14/08/2021 21:18

YANBU
That’s really upsetting. Your MIL is a petty and cold woman.

hellotello · 14/08/2021 22:06

Oh my goodness ! I wouldn't bother ever visiting her !!! Your life your baby ! cut her out she sounds poisonous! Congrats on baby you've been through a hell of a lot , do things your way don't feel pressured to involve yourself if she can't be nice !

Original poster

FurCoatAndNoBanter · 14/08/2021 22:51

I understand people trying to help but I really am quite capable and manage fine without all of the unsolicited (shit) advice. The nappies weren't too small, I said baby had pee'd out the side but the reason was that in my clumsy sleep deprived state I forgot to pull the frills out I haven't said anything as I don't want to cause problems but its really hard. Perhaps things will calm down. I wanted the dummies because I was really struggling and thought it could help. It wasn't about the car seat straps but the width of it he's really not too big for it. If and when my mum says too much I really do tell her to butt out but I have a relationship with my mum where I am comfortable telling her that and we move on without a huge deal.

OP posts:

abw94 · 14/08/2021 23:07

YANBU and I think it's very patronising to read some comments saying you're being 'sensitive'. No, she's made a few rude comments not just one off the cuff comment.

If you want to give your baby a dummy, do it. You have to deal with the crying 24/7 not her and if she wants to make a comment then she doesn't have to visit. Maybe ask DH to have a word, if not, say so yourself. She needs putting in her place now before she gets any worse.

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