To avoid my sick friend for my own mental health

[MaybeMammy]

So this is a hard one. I have been friends with this person for 20 years and she has always had multiple problems with both her mental and physical health. On top of this she consistently makes poor life choices like getting into bad relationships with the same type of men over and over again (Usually older married men). Over the last number of years I have done everything I can for her including giving her lifts (she can't drive), going to her house on my lunch break to cook for her and trying to make time to go for walks and coffee with her, sending her cards and flowers and encouraging her to engage in therapy and health programmes. I have really tried my best to do what I can but it is becoming a huge burden. She is also becoming increasingly negative and selfish and only wants to talk about herself and her problems.

Last year my husband and I went through 2 rounds of IVF. This friend never once asked how it was going, never even asked about our failed round and when I finally told her that I was pregnant, she said congratulations, but followed it up by telling me how fat I'm going to get and then proceeded to moan that she will never have children because she is single and approaching 40.

I am now having a high risk pregnancy and I just don't have the strength to deal with her at the moment. Any time I talk to her all she does is complain and talk about herself.

This weekend she asked me if we could meet up and I lied and told her I was busy. I just find it too exhausting to be in her company. AIBU?

She sounds like a very draining person. You’re not being at all unreasonable to avoid her.

Urgh, she’s an emotional vampire, avoid her like the plague!
Enjoy your pregnancy and congratulations!

All about her eh?
Well, take a step back and let her find someone else to moan to, you need to rest up and worry about yourself. The ' fat ' comment was uncalled for too.

You're not obliged to stay friends with someone who is their own worst enemy and clearly doesn't appreciate you.

Get rid.

Friendships are supposed to be reciprocal, and are meant to add to your life.

Your friend is not in a healthy place and it’s completely understandable that you don’t want to be with her. Your pregnant, she’s not helping herself and she’s acting like an emotional vampire.

I wondered if we have the same friend at first, but my friend has been married a long time. Same issues with the constant tales of woe about physical and mental issues, same requests for lifts to appointments etc, same encouragement to try antidepressants, therapy etc, same lack of interest in me and my family. I recently became a granny and my friend has shown no interest even though she's known my DD most of her life.

I took a big step back a while ago. We're both nearly 60 and I had the feeling I was being lined up as some sort of carer. People such as your friend don't want a friend relationship, it's a situationship and there's no depth to it. You know she wouldn't be there for you because that's not her role. You give, she takes. Take a big step back.

Good luck with your pregnancy 💐

Good lord, drop that sense of obligation. She's a grown up, she needs to take responsibility for her well-being. You can be a friend but definitely not to the extent it wears you down.

Yanbu. I’d keep telling her you are exhausted and need to look after yourself. This relationship is all one way so I’d make sure that this is the beginning of the end. You’ve been a fantastic friend and she’s lapped up your help and support, without even bothering to ask or listen to anything about your life.

Sounds like she has a friend and you have a massive pain in the arse. If you further evaluate what good stuff she brings to your life I assume it wouldn’t take long?

Sometimes friendships are just a habit that on reflection aren’t enjoyable or valuable any longer.

Walk away and enjoy this stage of your life.

Drop her.

Remember the rule 'put your own oxygen mask on first', and don't let other people drain you dry.

There’s nothing wrong with stepping back drastically.

This is what I’ve done. Just stepped back from my friend like the one you describe.
We communicate via occasionally texting now.

Done & dusted now. No harm done, I’m not even sure that my friend has even noticed annoyingly.

Funnily enough, she still never ever asks how I am even via text, it’s all about her and her woes.

Have you told her OP? She might not realise how self centred she is until it's pointed out to her. I'd get rid too.

She sounds draining. There's no rule saying you have to keep on giving time and energy to people who suck the life out of you. It's healthy to have boundaries and to maintain them.

I think definitely take step back, don't write her off but definitely distance, give her the chance to notice you've distanced,

If she asks why, be honest say I'm having a high risk pregnancy and you never ask how i am. give her an opportunity to do better, of not then you've done all you can do. Good luck on your pregnancy.

You lasted way longer than I would have tbh.

all anybody can do is what they can do.....the fact that someone needs more doesn't mean that you can safely give more.

I would not like to be around a person like this, as it's very draining.
She sounds like a moaning selfish person, and most likely, causes her own mental health problems, with being so self absorbed.

Step back. If you need to say something, just send her a message that you are focussing on your own health and wellbeing during your high risk pregnancy now and you don't have the headspace for anyone else's issues. She'll be too self centred to even realise that she has been a massive drain on you, but what the hell - at least, hopefully, you'll be free of her. If she continues to text you either reply much later with a one word response or an emoji - don't engage. Or else just don't respond.
You need to mind yourself during this pregnancy - you come first.

I was inclined to think it was unreasonable at first, but after seeing how one sided your relationship has been for so long, I think YANBU.

Sounds like she has a friend and you have a massive pain in the arse. If you further evaluate what good stuff she brings to your life I assume it wouldn’t take long?

Sometimes friendships are just a habit that on reflection aren’t enjoyable or valuable any longer.

Walk away and enjoy this stage of your life.

This⬆️

So you have spent 20 years skivvying for someone?

Really?

Why would you make so little of your and be used like that?

You want to bring a baby into a situation where you are stressed to the eyeballs from being a skivvy for some user?

Kindly, why would you do that?

If you care for your baby and yourself even a small bit, you will back away from this person completely.

Tell them you are no longer available as you need to put your baby first.

Get some counselling before you have the baby to find out how and why this situation arose and has gone on so long.

Your baby deserves a happy, rested, relax new mum.

You owe this woman NOTHING.

YANBU - the woman sounds like an emotional vampire. She will always be like this and you will get less and less out of the relationship. Step away from her.

I think you need to ask yourself why you are friends with her. What does she give to your life. You seem to do loads for her, with zero return. Walk away x

Her health and well-being is not your responsibility. You’ve supported her well in the past, and tried to point her in the right direction.

You’ve got to put yourself first now. Look after yourself and your pregnancy. You don’t owe her anything.

You did nothing wrong in turning her down. You don’t have to be at her beck and call. Blame pregnancy tiredness if you have to. You may find she’ll get sulky because you’re not responding instantly, but so what. A good friend will realise your priorities have changed, and support you for it.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.