To think this is woefully inadequate? (TW relative’s suicide attempts)

[towantsupportwiththis]

DM, 56, history of multiple overdoses, four in the last fourteen days . About twelve before that - had needed hospital treatment, stomach washout before . Some before I was born (I’m 30) some after . She has had MH care for years and years and I was brought up her carer .

Each time I’ve had to pick up the pieces with attempts . Three were insignificant . Yesterday’s I had to take her to A&E where doctor said, she probably didn’t mean it whilst mum sat and agreed and said no, she never meant it . Said because of that she didn’t need a psych liaison and ‘anyway she didn’t take enough to cause a real problem’ which left me feeling, oh brilliant, so what if she takes more next time, is that when they listen?

They’re (doctor and mum) claiming she didn’t remember taking any of the tablets at all . Maybe she didn’t - I don’t know - I’m totally bewildered . She’s had normal CT, MRI, investigations with neuropsychology and told everything is psychiatric - no reason she should forget everything .

I’m meant to be moving out in three weeks . I’ve secured a house elsewhere and a job . I am desperate to move on and gain some independence and my own life . If I cancel I won’t get that chance again for a very long time and will be losing a very, very much wanted job that I’ve worked very hard to get . Friend last night says this is probably why this has happened .

But GP says there’s no support mum can have . Social work said they aren’t interested - said I have to move out, and only if crisis occurs after that will they help . Mental health worker I spoke to via 111 last night said if she wants to OD she’ll find a way of doing it . All I want is someone to check on my mum, support her with meds and maybe help her to go for a coffee; but if they can’t do that then surely there’s someone out there who can tell me how to do this correctly, because clearly I’m failing .

My mum has another daughter - my sister - who has very significant needs herself and needs a parent . I pointed out to mum last night that she’s no use to my sister dead, God forbid, I don’t know what to do for the better . I would make a terrible parent for my sister and God knows I seem to be my mums mum too and I’m really screwing that up . Have looked into paying for private care but got quoted £££ per month .

I’m tearing my hair out, I’m not sleeping or eating, I don’t know what to do . In the house mum does nothing independently - just follows me all day long, if I have a lie in she sits and waits for me to get up - so I feel guilty? She barely even talks sometimes .

What do I do? I’m totally lost . Last night I thought about sleeping on bedroom floor just to make sure she was safe . As it was I sat on her bed and waited til she fell asleep, but I can’t do that if I move out !

Honestly, right now, you prioritise YOU.

You can't fix this, - it's not the first time this has happened, you've been in touch with the right people even if not much is happening.
If she won't engage with the docs etc and minimises her behaviours when talking to them, then you can't change this. It's not something you can control.

Making a change that benefits you will help you to be a stronger person long term and I think your friend is right. You can't put your life on hold forever and be held hostage to your DMs MH and manipulation of you (she's currently manipulating you).

It's bloody hard to walk away from this, I get that, but nothing will change if you stay. By moving on a bit, you're also forcing a situation where you will probably be able to get more help for your mum too.

Move on
Counselling for you
Accept she may succeed at some point
it will not be your fault
Maybe see it as a terminal illness that may kill her at some point but you didn't cause it and you cannot cure it.
Inform her gp that you are moving on.
Then you done your bit
She is adult and not your responsibility.
You haVe your life to lead.

@SoddingWeddings

Honestly, right now, you prioritise YOU.

You can't fix this, - it's not the first time this has happened, you've been in touch with the right people even if not much is happening.
If she won't engage with the docs etc and minimises her behaviours when talking to them, then you can't change this. It's not something you can control.

Making a change that benefits you will help you to be a stronger person long term and I think your friend is right. You can't put your life on hold forever and be held hostage to your DMs MH and manipulation of you (she's currently manipulating you).

It's bloody hard to walk away from this, I get that, but nothing will change if you stay. By moving on a bit, you're also forcing a situation where you will probably be able to get more help for your mum too.

This. Go, live your life.

You do what children of alcoholics and drug addicts have to do. Accept your parent has their own issues and believe you aren't the cause nor the cure.

Move out, you must live your own life.

At the moment you are being told that the fact you live at home is what is preventing outside agencies from stepping in. You are the primary carer, safety net for your mum. So move out and let them do their job.

Good luck getting your head round this.

Ah OP take a squeeze.

You NEED this. Yes you have to go past crisis to get the help you need but unfortunately, while you're around your mother won't get that help. You're the one standing in the way. It's shit but it's the way it is.

You need to prioritise you. This is an open door to your own life. Take it.

This is NHS and SS attempting to force you to give up your wishes to do their job for them for free. I have seen it so many times.
NHS and SS have a legal duty to assist those in need. Put in a complaint about both because they are failing in their duties. Watch out for the emotional manipulation to escalate but stand firm

My advice would be to move out as planned, start your new job and don't let the situation with your mum prevent you from living. From what you have said, it's obvious that your mental health is suffering because you are carrying so much on your shoulders. That burden will only get heavier with time should you decide to stay.

Your mum is canny enough to know exactly what to say to the doctors to avoid a psych evaluation, and to an outsider reading what you have written, that smacks of manipulation on her part. That, however, is purely supposition on my part. Do you feel as though your mum is trying to manipulate or influence you into not moving out?

It sounds as though you have put your mums needs in front of your own for a very long time. It is now time for you to put yourself first, please take that opportunity and run with it.

For the first time in your life you need to put yourself first.

As a PP said, think of the children of alcoholics and drug addicts - you are in exactly the same position. These parents have made their children parent them and it's not right or fair.

Move out. Do your job. Phone home every week and if things are bad, report it to social services. You have one life, OP. This is your chance to live it.

Congratulations on your job. Make your new home as safe and cosy as you can. Whenever you hear from your mum, don't take on her burdens.

Move out.

It's your moving out which has precipitated her most recent hospital visits. After all, if she can scare you enough to consider sleeping on the floor, maybe she thinks she can scare you enough to give up on your dreams again? The fact that it's the 4th visit and the most serious (albeit not really) suggests that she's ramping it up to try and regain that control over you. Especially as she was very able to get out of having medical/psychological intervention - that's because it was being done to control you. I bet the doctor knew that, too.

Your sister will be provided with care if she is unable to parent her. Depending upon DS's age, you could either be asked if you would be willing and able to take on the role (which you could decline) or they'd just get on with sorting it however is deemed to be in her best interests.

Whatever your mother chooses to do, your sister will be safe. And whatever you choose to do, none of what she does will be your 'fault'.

Please, leave home and be happier away from the attempts to control and limit you with fear.

Your mother is controlling you. Move out.

She’s admitted today - I think - that it was at least partially intentional to cause harm/alarm for others . I think . Have told one relative who’s coming round to see her and ‘talk some sense into her’ but think it needs proper, long term one on one psychological support that mum isn’t good at engaging with . They tried to get her to go a gardening group and a craft club but she refused .

Sister is in full time long term residential care so she’s happy enough but needs parenting still/guidance from ah adult. She has very complex needs and lots of problems that I find a bit overwhelming, although can pass a great deal back to her carers thankfully and just talk through some stuff on the phone a few times a week .

I agree it is a form of control . I’m having therapy and therapist said this is parentification, said it’s a form of something called emotional incest and says its me who has to walk away . That I’m not solely responsible for my mums wellbeing and happiness .

I just desperately don’t want a horrible phone call when I move away, the thought of that absolutely terrifies me - I moved out before when I was much younger and had to field police and ambulance calls all the time . I don’t want that again .

I’ve spoke to a lovely MH nurse this afternoon who said she’s put an urgent letter into Gp surgery asking for urgent help and assessment so fingers crossed . I’m definitely moving out; my lovely friend won’t allow me to not !

Ah OP I feel for you. My mum successfully ended her life three years ago after many attempts since before I was born. I strongly believe my taking a step back and drawing a boundary with her and saying no when she asked to move in with my family (to protect my then baby daughter from the stress of living with a seriously depressed relative) played a part. The guilt is horrible. No matter what anyone says, the children of depressives are conditioned to feel responsible for their parent. It's almost impossible to say "no, I deserve a life". And to risk/live with the consequences of that.

I agree with the people who say try to think of it as a disease she has. It's tragic and horrible. But you didn't cause it and you can't cure it. You can make it your life's work trying to keep her alive but may still fail and then be left with nothing. It was only when I had my child I was really able to step back and say no. And while I will grieve for her forever and feel guilt forever, I'd draw the same boundary again. Because I had to.

Only you know if you're at that point yet. But I feel for you and I understand your dilemma as few on here will. I hope you find a way forward xx