To feel somewhat detached from dc2 pregnancy

[Belle82]

So I’m 21 weeks pregnant and I’m so busy with my 3 year old all the time.
I just don’t feel the connection with this pregnancy, I’m worried I won’t love this one as much

I do love feeling the kicks and movements and seeing the scans, but it just somehow doesn’t seem as real this time around?
I worry what my obstetrician thinks, when I used the word detached I think she was quite worried.

I look at my little girl and I love her so much my heart could burst, so I know I’m not detached in day to day life but just with this pregnancy.

Please tell me some of you felt like this during your second pregnancy, did you get the same rush of love for your second?
That feeling was incredible with my little girl and I’m worried I won’t get it with my second and feel guilty for it.

Oh, I hated my second pregnancy. Felt very detached from it, suffered a bit of AND I think. DD was 4, I still worked f/t, I don’t think I had any headspace to concentrate on the pregnancy. I didn’t even want a baby - I wanted another child, just not a baby, so I’d get fucked off when anyone said “don’t worry, the baby will be here soon”. Didn’t they know babies are the worst stage!?

I remember my female GP telling me she felt the same with her second, and that was so reassuring.

If it helps, DS is now 4. He’s a massive Mummy’s Boy - ironic really as it was DH who wanted a second more than I did. But my feelings in pregnancy didn’t last once he was here. But I get why it’s upsetting to compare the two pregnancies and feel how different they are.

I could have written your post about 3 months ago.
I'm ~34 weeks but it took a long time to get "excited" about this 2nd pregnancy. A few different things contributed to it "not feeling real".

• The exhaustion of work, lockdown and a toddler and then pregnancy tiredness just took it out of me. I had no energy to do anything physically and felt mentally/emotionally drained.

• The tiredness didn't lift till the 3rd trimester Vs I felt great in 2nd trimester last time.

• With WFH and no social gatherings I realised I made it past 5 months and some friends/colleagues still didn't know, I forgot to bring it up and so that added to it feeling less real since I never discussed it apart with immediate family.

• We already have all the baby stuff from #1 so there's a lot less prepping or buying things which was part of the excitement and mental adjustment last time.

Digging the baby stuff out of storage and also taking a break from work at the end of 2nd trimester to recharge my batteries has really helped and I would say I'm starting to get excited only now!

I debated myself about asking for a referral to the mental health team as I was so down but I never got around to it and it naturally improved. But there's no shame in asking for a referral and talking through these feelings.

Omg I’m so glad you have made this thread. I was starting to think I was the only one. I also feel very “detached” and I don’t feel like I have been as excited as I was with first pregnancy.

Yes absolutely! I had this with my second pregnancy, completely detached from day 1. Started bleeding around 7 weeks and assumed I would lose it, but didn’t.
Whilst DS1s kicks were a joy to feel, DS2s were annoying to me, I was exhausted running after DS1 etc.
I felt totally detached even when we found out the sex. I then nearly lost him at 30 weeks and made myself detach even more. We knew the name we wanted for him but I never referred to him by name when pregnant because I just couldn’t/didn’t want to equate that there was a human in there.
But the minute he was born oh my god the rush of love was utterly overwhelming. I didn’t have the rush with DS1, only adrenaline, but DS2 it was pure love at first sight. I still remember the second I saw his face and the hot feel of his skin, and I cried like a baby.

I was far more territorial with him, could barely let him out of my sight for a second. DS1 I passed him from pillar to post and was happy for others to hold him, DS2 I had a far more primal/protective instinct.

It’s totally normal and doesn’t mean that you won’t love your second less than your first. It just means that subsequent pregnancies often coincide with exceptionally busy parenting periods with toddlers and working, so the second pregnancy feels like an inconvenience!

Best of luck with yours, at the end of it you’ll have a beautiful new baby to join your family and shower with love!

I think a lot of people feel this when when they are pregnant with their second child, the love you feel for your first is so immense you dont think you can possibly love another child as much, you absolutely can.

Yes I'm kind of the same. Just too busy to for this pregnancy. And fed up of being pregnant but can't stop daily life either. So looking forward to being induced and getting it over and done with. Not looking forward to the baby stage either but will love baby no matter what x

Oh absolutely! I called number two "the interloper"!!
I loved her the minute I saw her and I can say hand on heart that I love both children equally.

Yep was exactly the same. Adored my DD and couldn't imagine loving a new baby as much as her. Felt very detached throughout the pregnancy, had a huge bleed at 22 weeks thought I'd lost him. Felt nothing. Now he's here I bloody love him to bits and absolutely as much as his sister.

Thank you so much for all your responses. You have all made me feel so much better about this.

Totally a thing. I was very detached from my second. Honestly, this continued into the first six months or so after he was born. Now I couldn't love them more equally!!! Thier relationship with each other is the best thing I have ever encountered in my life. I did feel guilty but what's the point in that?

I didn’t feel attached to any of my pregnancies, it felt surreal (even though I knew I was going to have a baby) until they arrived.
I am totally attached to all my children though!

I felt like this too. I think it was partially because the journey to DC1 was long and hard - multiple miscarriages over two years - whereas DC2 happened on our first try, so I think I was a bit in disbelief that it had really been so easy right up until he was born. But on the other hand it was a much physically harder pregnancy, and it's also always going to be harder to be pregnant when you're chasing round a toddler, and so I almost resented how much the pregnancy limited what I could do with DC1 (I had quite bad SPD) and how tired and grumpy it made me. I was quite worried that it meant I wouldn't bond with DC2 as well or that I wouldn't value him in the way I did DS1. He's now 6 months and, like everyone else, I can reassure you that that absolutely isn't the case. I adore him just as much as I do his big brother, he's absolutely amazing

Yes I sort of felt the same. Didn’t feel real the second time as it was much sooner than I’d have planned. Once I got my head around it, it was just much harder to keep track or get excited as I had DS1 to look after and work etc.

But once DS2 was born everything was fine.

Like @SummerHouse the detachment I had in my second pregnancy lasted a few months after DC2 was born. I didn't get the rush of love immediately after birth like I had with my first one I worried that I would never love them as much, but the overwhelming love came, just a little slower, maybe after 9 months. Love the socks off them both now!

It's cos you're busy with an actual real, present baby. You don't have the time to dream about the coming baby in the way you did first time around. It's quite common to fret that you can't live another child like your first, but we do! They are different and equally amazing.

100%! Such a different experience this time, full on with work, toddler, lockdowns just easibg, still working from home so work colleagues only seen face so people only know if actively tell them, not seen a lot of friends in person so it's just been a message to say this is happening, don't need to buy anything....all the things!!

Yes totally agree it’s normal or it was for me and those I’ve spoke to in RL. With your first it’s new and you are watching for every little sign of kicks and movements, aware of every pregnancy change, preparing, buying clothes, cots prams etc. Daydreaming a lot about what your baby will be like. What sort of parent you want to be etc etc. It’s exciting and new. A second pregnancy is a little more low key because you’ve experienced reality of birth, babies, preparation etc. You are a parent already coping with demands of an existing child and focusing on that and daily life. You don’t necessarily have the energy to be daydreaming this time around or planning things to Nth degree. For example I had my hospital bags packed for weeks prior to my first whereas for my second I was so busy looking after first and convinced I’d be late that I was picking my bag after my contractions started (don’t recommend!) It doesn’t mean your second child is less wanted it’s more that you’re focusing your limited energy on the child that is here currently and your second baby is able to fending for itself in the womb currently. Once that baby is born it needs you and your energy shifts and you’ll find that you have enough for them both.

Don’t be hard on yourself I’d say it’s pretty normal to feel quite detached at this stage. One thing I did was to go to a birthing class that also did some yoga. It was the one hour a week where I really thought about my pregnancy and the new baby I was growing. I’d recommend that if you can manage it or even an at home set aside an hour for one of the meditation sessions or yoga if that’s your sort of thing. It was lovely to really focus on my second pregnancy for that hour. In all honestly in between those sessions I often forgot I was even pregnant (fortunate no bad symptoms either). My two DC are older now and I can honestly say I love them both equally despite pregnancy 1 taking over my whole world whilst pregnancy 2 was often forgotten about and very detached from my day to day world.

I could have written this! I've a 3 year old and a 3 month old. It's just not the same 2nd time. You do t get that time to indulge in the pregnancy or celebrate it. I was really sick this time too so literally just trying to get through the day and have some energy to play /look after my son. Every day was an endurance test!I literally had no capacity for the poor baby. Plus it was lock down so I couldn't see anyone in real life , shop, do any pregnancy yoga classes etc. Hard to get excited about. I just felt like I had some sort of viral illness for 9 months and she dropped really early so I was waddling about unable to walk far from 7 months. I loved being pregnant the first time but it was pretty damn miserable the second time.

However, it was so much better after birth. I hated the first 6 weeks with my first. I felt like a caged animal. But I found it so much easier this time. I was lucky that my son is at nursery do it was just me and the baby during the day. I literally did nothing but watch tv cuddling her for weeks and I loved every single minute of it. It felt like a holiday compared to looking after a toddler, That was our bonding time. Just me and her and it made up for the lost time.

You will be fine. Hearts grow. X

Thank you so much for all your kind comments.

I think the reaction of my obstetrician when I told her freaked me out a bit. But what all of you are saying makes so much sense, I think when my LO goes back to nursery I may have more chance to get excited about it

If it helps I feel exactly the same even though this second baby is very much wanted. With my first pregnancy I was so excited - I could tell you exactly how many weeks or days I was at any given point. I had all the pregnancy apps and loved seeing what fruit/animal my baby was the size of. I made name lists and spent hours on Pinterest ‘pinning’ nursery pictures 😂 and went to pregnancy yoga twice a week. Oh and I loved buying stylish maternity clothes. I’m actually laughing at my past self.

This time I’m absolutely exhausted and have looked and felt rough as a dog since day one. My toddler keeps bringing viruses home from nursery that knock me for six, it’s all I can do to get through the day. I feel so guilty that I haven’t got the energy or strength to play with my son like I usually would. If you asked me how many weeks I am I’d have to think about it and I’ve no idea what animal or fruit my baby is the size of.

I’m glad to see others saying it’s normal and it subsides. But you definitely aren’t alone! X