To be so fed up of being so pathetically lonely.

[loopyapp]

Just that really. I’m a single parent, with four boys on good terms with their dad and wider EXIL family.

Two of the boys have extensive and challenging special needs that massively limit any time
I can have to myself. The youngest is 17m and still EBF and as he was born during lock down and I’m on my own he really hasn’t formed meaningful enough bonds with other adults so leaving him isn’t easy.

My mum .. she masquerades as being ‘there for me’ when in reality she is as fair weather as it gets. Makes any time she facilitates to myself utterly unbearable by being simply useless and times horrid to the older ones whilst constantly contacting me to tell me how awful they all are. This is to the extent that I have cancelled surgery I desperately need to manage the pain caused by endometriosis because she was so animated in her ‘woe is me’ dramatics when we were planning how I would require child care for the day of the OP and the following 24hr.

I have a small but wonderful group of friends but we are all very busy with our children and lives that contact is fleeting messages and infrequent meet ups.

I’m 90% completely switched off to the idea of being involved with someone in a relationship. How would I even do that? I don’t have the time or means and I’ve seen enough on here to know I wouldn’t ever introduce another adult to my children in that capacity.

However.

Once the boys are settled for the evening I am quite desperately miserable. I have no one to talk to and over the recent weeks I have been painfully aware that my life is rapidly spiralling round a very isolated plug hole.

I’m trapped. No means or ability to improve the outlook or anyone to talk about it with.

I’m in a similar situation. It’s shit. I’m 5 years down the line now and it’s no easier. I’m happy on my own, as in, no fucking way will I ever live with a man again, but Christ, the lack of adult conversation of an evening/during the day is crippling me.

I don’t live near any family members. My physical health has gone to shit since I had Covid earlier this year (was previously well). I feel invisible to most of my friends as they all have DHs, I spend weekends alone too.

I can’t work any more either for a variety of reasons and that isn’t helping.

@GetTaeFuck

I’m in a similar situation. It’s shit. I’m 5 years down the line now and it’s no easier. I’m happy on my own, as in, no fucking way will I ever live with a man again, but Christ, the lack of adult conversation of an evening/during the day is crippling me.

I don’t live near any family members. My physical health has gone to shit since I had Covid earlier this year (was previously well). I feel invisible to most of my friends as they all have DHs, I spend weekends alone too.

I can’t work any more either for a variety of reasons and that isn’t helping.

We are very similar. I haven’t worked for 5 years as I’ve been the non professional carer for the two boys whom have additional needs.

I will also unlikely ever feel comfortable living with someone - not at least whilst the children are small and living at home.

But god. I just want to feel connected. Important. Loved. Valued. I want to value and love someone too. But how??

Not a clue I’m afraid.

I was a SAHM for 7 years, then 4 years college/Uni, but the last 18 months have sent middle DD with ASD spiralling so in January I halted my final year.

Youngest DD is also being assessed at the moment, between the two of them I have at least one appointment per week with various services (which granted isn’t a lot, but then there’s the whole can’t take my eyes off them 24/7 aspect and eldest DD to consider too).

I can’t even imagine the hassle of getting care transferred 200 miles away to where my Dad and siblings live. Luckily ExDH wouldn’t be an obstacle because that arsehole isn’t around. Not that can I afford it, but it’s something I think would help (and not just because they live near the beach )

There’s only so much love yourself/treat yourself etc you can do.

Loopyapp and gettaefuck sounds like you two could talk of an evening ?
I wish I had some help for you both.can only empathise and send healing.💐💐🌈🌈

@GetTaeFuck

Not a clue I’m afraid.

I was a SAHM for 7 years, then 4 years college/Uni, but the last 18 months have sent middle DD with ASD spiralling so in January I halted my final year.

Youngest DD is also being assessed at the moment, between the two of them I have at least one appointment per week with various services (which granted isn’t a lot, but then there’s the whole can’t take my eyes off them 24/7 aspect and eldest DD to consider too).

I can’t even imagine the hassle of getting care transferred 200 miles away to where my Dad and siblings live. Luckily ExDH wouldn’t be an obstacle because that arsehole isn’t around. Not that can I afford it, but it’s something I think would help (and not just because they live near the beach )

There’s only so much love yourself/treat yourself etc you can do.

My goodness - in your case I would strongly advise trying to move to where your family are if you know for sure they’ll be supportive. One of my friends does offer some occasional practical help to the best of her abilities (she has a large number of children and her own serious issues to contend with) and it makes such a massive difference.

Yeah.. loving myself has long since lost its lustre hah

@KarmaStar

Loopyapp and gettaefuck sounds like you two could talk of an evening ? I wish I had some help for you both.can only empathise and send healing.💐💐🌈🌈

Thank you for such a lovely post :) xx

Why isn't your ex providing childcare during your surgery and after?

@Hankunamatata

Why isn't your ex providing childcare during your surgery and after?

Oh he absolutely was planning on helping out but he only has a very small amount of annual leave left and he wanted to leave it in case anything went wrong and I needed to stay in longer. If he looks after the children for the 24 hours during and following the app I have no fall back for the recovery.

We’ve really tried to find a good balance of shared care for the children while managing DS2s additional needs. He wouldn’t ever cope with the change involved in split care (going from one house to another) so we do something called nesting - the children stay in their home and we circle around them.

However the baby just won’t settle at his house with me and won’t settle here with him if I’m away (still feeding over night). So EX does one weekend morning here from 6am and I stay in bed till I’m rested and then takes them all for as long as the baby will go along with it on the other weekend day. On week days he makes dinner a few nights
And does baths on others. He also pays double the CMA in light of my inability to pursue a career having to care for the two boys with disabilities.

But

Because he’s so involved and our lives so entrenched anyone that might ever be interested in what little I can offer just runs a mile assuming we’re still involved.

All the best op. I'd say step by step and one day per day at a time, making improvements in different areas, and have a goal diary that charts your progress and details any tasks, improvments, evaluations, that lead you towards your goals.

Slightly different situation here (twenties, single and childless) but I really feel for you, OP. Loneliness is so hard I’m struggling with it right now. I have ASD so the thought of being able to settle down with a partner seems almost impossible. I am still lucky to have a few good friends, but similarly they’re often busy with their own lives.

Sometimes I think I’m coping okay, but every so often it hits me just how lonely I am. For e.g., I can go a few days without having a real conversation face to face.

It gets tiring (and slightly awkward) never having a plus one to take along for special occasions. Another thing I find worrying is that I can only presume it’s going to get harder as more of my friends settle down, get married, have kids etc - they’ll have even less time for people like me.

I try and remind myself being single is still much better than being in a toxic relationship.

@loopyapp
Your life sounds incredibly full on and complicated with the needs of your children with special needs and your baby. It's no wonder you have no time to yourself to meet other people.

I have no advice but wanted to just empathise with you. Loneliness can be a really dark place to be and so hard to get out of. Is there anything online you could do with others in the evening?

I can recommend an app called Peanut. It's been a great way to meet other mums and there are these live chat options called pods where you can have actual conversations with other people! Because it is international there is always someone around too. It 💯 won't offer the connection you crave or solve anything but could give you some lovely people to chat too.

Thank you all for your replies of solidarity and support and of course the excellent suggestions.

It really helps to know that the internet has good corners x