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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not believe he's ‘changed’

6 replies

pudd0 · 12/08/2021 21:25

I made a thread a few months ago here

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4276770-to-be-worried-about-dd

DD and her boyfriend split up after that, DD wouldn't say why at first, but then she admitted he was smoking weed and she didn't like it and didn't want him around their son. He only saw him a couple of times, but then last week, DD and her boyfriend met up and decided to get back together. Today, he came over to see grandson and to have dinner, and DD told me he'd changed and he wants to be a good dad to their son. I don't believe he has changed though, but DD told me to give him a chance.

Aibu to not believe this?

OP posts:
Original poster
pudd0 · 12/08/2021 21:41

.

OP posts:
Original poster
pudd0 · 12/08/2021 22:00

Bump

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 12/08/2021 22:03

Are you really bumping your own post after 35 minutes?

It doesn't matter if you believe it, it matters if she does.

nancydroo · 12/08/2021 22:07

@pudd0

I made a thread a few months ago here

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4276770-to-be-worried-about-dd

DD and her boyfriend split up after that, DD wouldn't say why at first, but then she admitted he was smoking weed and she didn't like it and didn't want him around their son. He only saw him a couple of times, but then last week, DD and her boyfriend met up and decided to get back together. Today, he came over to see grandson and to have dinner, and DD told me he'd changed and he wants to be a good dad to their son. I don't believe he has changed though, but DD told me to give him a chance.

Aibu to not believe this?

YANBU. Just take a deep breath and go along with it. Be there if it all goes to hell
PieceOfString · 12/08/2021 22:07

Course not. She is enjoying involved and invested in a way you're not. So you can let her make her decision and stay civil. Doesn't mean you have to buy into it all with her. Anyone who has behaved badly repeatedly would reasonably expect to have to work longer to restore trust with the parent if their partner who had every right and reason to remain sceptical... Even if they tolerate the situation with dignity, which is exactly what both of them should do too... All you to accept it while understanding that it will take longer for you to truly believe what is being said. Maybe he'll prove he can stick to his promises. We know he probably won't, time will tell

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 12/08/2021 22:24

None of us can know OP.

On the whole, people don't change their fundamental personality in a short space of time. So if you are a selfish argumentative person at 27 then you are likely to be a selfish argumentative person at 37 for example.

But saying that, teenagers do mature and I'd say becoming a parent is the thing that changes how a lot of people behave. Spme people do turn their lives around when they have kids. But a lot Sally don't.

I dobt blame you for being wary of a supposedly reformed drug dealer. But on your linked thread it looked like you interfered in your daughters life before abs gave unwanted opinions and it backfired. So whilst I think it's fine to put boundaries in place (eg any evidence of drugs or dealing and he is not welcome at your house) I don't think its particularly relevant or helpful for you to be offering your opinion on if he has changed or not. At this stage I'd stay silent and concentrate on supporting your daughter. She is likely going to end up a single parent and will probably feel a lot better about it and tell you a lot more if she doesnt feel judged and like you are going to turn round and say you told her so

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