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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think I can't support my friend anymore

8 replies

Thesheerrelief · 12/08/2021 21:08

I have a friend of 10 years who I met through work. We lived in separate countries for a long time but stayed in touch professionally. In the last few years he's become very unwell mentally. I'm no expert but it seems like a form of schizophrenia or schizo-affective disorder. He thinks he's at the centre of a conspiracy by a family member to ruin his life. He thinks he's being followed, hacked, monitored, watched, having his messages/emails changed etc. He thinks if a tap doesn't work then it's part of a conspiracy to destroy him mentally.

He recently been in prison on a suspected arson charge and is out on bail. I've been in contact with his family, lawyers and the mental health crisis team many times. He's been sectioned three times but just won't cooperate so has no official diagnosis. He's desperately afraid and paranoid. He also incredibly demanding- he's sent over 20 emails today and if i don't reply to each one he needs to talk to me on the phone to verify that I got them and that it's really me. He gets very rude and abusive. He accused me of being part of the conspiracy.

Today I was bringing my elderly mother, who has dementia, to an appointment and he tried to call. When I couldn't answer he messaged to say "they" (his family who he thinks are masterminding the conspiracy) are using my mother as a way to prevent me from talking to him and that he needs to be able to talk to me every day. There is one other friend that he also contacts to this degree.

I've encouraged him to get therapy and seek medical help. All doctors are part of the conspiracy. I'm in touch with his family daily but he won't talk to them. I'm trying my best to help him but it's turning into a full-time responsibility and I can't keep it up.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Gettingthereslowly2020 · 12/08/2021 21:24

It sounds like you've done everything you can do to help and you now need to walk away. What happens if you ignore his emails and calls? I mean if you don't respond until later on in the evening instead of responding straight away. If you're not ready to walk away, you at least need to put some very firm boundaries in place

Mpsister · 12/08/2021 21:28

You really need to look after yourself. He's clearly very unwell and until he can accept professional help, you can't truly help him. I've unfortunately been in this position with a friend of mine who was sectioned. It got to the point where her illness was overtaking my life and I needed to back off. Look after yourself and I hope he gets the help he needs.

Thesheerrelief · 12/08/2021 21:36

I have muted his messages on WhatsApp so I only see them when I go in specifically, but he will try to call randomly during the day or at 3 or 4 am. I answered a WhatsApp call a few months ago, before things got this bad, and he was shrieking and screaming which my three year old heard so I had to quickly hang up. If I didn't respond at all he would decide that I've been influenced by the power of the conspiracy against him - probably for money, in his mind. He would write me off and, because I'm one of the few people he talks to, I'd feel really bad. He's very, very deep in it right now and gets abusive if I can't talk instantly. I remember the person he was before this took hold of him and I know he must be really scared inside. He needs proper help but I don't think he will get it.

OP posts:
Mpsister · 12/08/2021 21:52

It's so difficult, I really feel for you. When my friend was very ill before she was sectioned, I eventually realised that her contacting me all the time wasn't helping her (also, I couldn't cope with it). The first thing I did was set my phone to do not disturb between 8pm and 8am. You must be exhausted. Do you have anyone you can turn to for support?

WetWeekends · 12/08/2021 21:59

I think you need to tell him you need to devote more time to your daughter and mother at the moment. So you will check in with him by email/phone whatever’s best for you once a week, that’s all you can manage at the moment and reiterate that he needs professional help.
I’m sure he’ll be angry and might cut contact with you, but you need to put yourself first, so you can be properly available for your family without this worry hanging over you.
You’re not a doctor/nurse and that’s what he needs at the end of the day.

Thesheerrelief · 12/08/2021 22:03

That's a very good point - it isn't helping him and possibly makes him delve deeper into things. His emails are constant and come with screenshots of "evidence" of the conspiracy. He is incredibly intelligent and now spends his time emailing the various hospitals where he was sectioned to complain about the processes they followed etc. At this stage the best thing for him would be proper treatment as an in-patient.

OP posts:
Thesheerrelief · 12/08/2021 22:05

Once a week is a good idea. There's no such thing as a 5-10 min call - they turn into an hour of rambling. I feel so guilty for backing off but I can't get through to him at all and, as Mpsister said, I don't think I'm actually helping.

OP posts:
Iwonder08 · 12/08/2021 22:33

You are not helping him as you are not qualified to do so. Send him the message explaining you are going to go offline and won't talk to him anymore for a time being. Wish him well, encourage to consider talking to mental health professionals and then block him on all devices

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