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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents and childcare

26 replies

Rosebel · 12/08/2021 15:26

Both sets of grandparents have always said they would not do regular childcare. Happy to see them with us and my parents usually have them for a couple of nights in school holidays. MIL doesn't have them without us and all this is fine.
We have two older children in teen years and a one year old. As I said parents didn't do regular childcare for my children and I used nursery. They didn't do childcare for my brothers children either.
However when my sister went back to work after her daughter was born my parents looked after her 5 days a week and often overnight or weekends.
Was, quite pissed off but didn't raise it as ultimately it's up to my parents. My husband was more annoyed as his mum "would never do that for one and not the other." He was always nagging me to talk to my dad (it was, really him that wanted to look after my DN).
Now MIL is looking after SILs kids in the holidays. She never did it for our kids.
I feel like my older children must be awful children for their grandparents to treat them so differently and they have noticed the difference and frequently say their grandparents don't like them as much as x, y or z.. Or perhaps we are bad parents or our parents don't like us much.
I think this has been triggered by paying for childcare for our son while other family members get free childcare (when they have more money too).
I don't expect anyone to look after my son. I understand a baby is more work than 4 to 8 year olds (nephew and nieces are between these ages) but they didn't look after my older children when they were these ages either.
I know grandparents can do as they pleased but surely it's wrong to offer free childcare for one but not the other? Or maybe not. They can spend their retirement how they want
What do you think, is it reasonable to offer childcare to some grandchildren and not others?

OP posts:
HavelockVetinari · 12/08/2021 15:30

Were PIL still working when you had your older 2 DC? Maybe they now have loads more time and want to care for you SIL's DC.

Your parents sound like they massively favour your sister, is there a backstory? It must be really hurtful, I'm sorry they're treating you like this.

Ponoka7 · 12/08/2021 15:31

Are they now at a loose end and feel that they can commit? Has Covid made them realise that they want a closer relationship with that generation? It wouldn't be fair to dictate that they can't do childcare because they wasn't in a place to do it for you.
I'm my DD'S childcare but if my eldest has a baby, she'll have to use paid because I don't want the baby stage again.

GrrRightBackAtYou · 12/08/2021 15:32

Were they still working when your older teens were that age?
YANBU to feel they shouldn’t offer childcare to one but not the other though. Do they maybe they feel better able to look after 4-8 age than a one year old now?
Will you ever ask both sets of parents why?

DartmoorChef · 12/08/2021 15:32

Maybe they have more spare time now than they did when your teens were little.

54321nought · 12/08/2021 15:34

well, for a start, you say you have had two, then three, and your sister only has one,

and this is a different stage in their lives

and it is up to them,

and so, YABU

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 12/08/2021 15:35

I think it should be equal but that works both ways.

If one child makes more of an effort to help out their parents, visits more etc then perhaps they say the childcare as a return favour etc.

I don’t think grandparents owe anyone free childcare, it takes seconds to google childcare costs before deciding to have a baby.

TedHastingsweeDonkey · 12/08/2021 15:39

I can understand why it may seem a bit unfair to you. I certainly can't imagine my parents treating their grandchildren any different to one another. Or me and DB, for that matter. To give them the benefit of the doubt, could it be possible that they are at a different stage of their lives and whilst they weren't happy to provide childcare when your teens were younger (for whatever health, social reasons), they are in a position to do so now. But maybe they feel looking after a 1 year old is just a bit too much? Again, I'm just guessing and trying to give them the benefit of the doubt - but I certainly wouldn't blame myself & my children for their behaviour. I'm sure you are a perfectly good parent and your kids are fine!

Elephantsparade · 12/08/2021 15:42

Did you ask?

thanksforyourcommentrandomman · 12/08/2021 15:42

All depends what their working situation was years back when yours were babies

mynameisbrian · 12/08/2021 15:52

Did you ever ask them? My DH had issues with his parents, my mum lives over 500 miles away and couldnt offer any help. She did baby sit at times when she visited. PIL however did do alot of childcare and holiday cover for my DH brothers children. I wasnt bothered as we used nursery and when older holiday clubs. My DH on the other hand was always upset and angry about a sense of being treated differently. However as I said to him..you havent even asked them so unless you ask and they refuse you have no reason to moan

Original poster
Rosebel · 12/08/2021 15:54

No my mum didn't work and my dad sold his company the year my eldest was born. PIL retired a bit later when my DD2 was born.
My parents, well dad really always favoured my sister. He wasn't nasty to me or anything but she was truly the golden child so I guess her child would be too.
I absolutely don't expect my parents or ILs to look after my son as he's so young and always doing something he shouldn't be and obviously they are older now. I'm just annoyed that in the past we were constantly told they wouldn't do childcare (fine) but then turn round and do it for a different child.
Just hurts I suppose and it's rubbish that my older kids have noticed.

OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 12/08/2021 15:57

Surely the children don’t really care though given they are in their teens so not in childcare.

mynameisbrian · 12/08/2021 16:11

If they said they wouldnt be doing childcare then I can see why your upset. So you can either say something and open up about your upset and your DC feeling their being treated differently. Or you step back and reduce contact so your DC arent affected by the obvious favouritsm. Parents dont realise their grandkids will step back from them as they get older if they show favouritism. My DH was the golden child with his grandmother (fathers mother) his brother grew up hating her. He had no time for her or she him, she wasnt interested in his children either. It isnt nice for the kids involved in this, so all you can do is protect your DC from it.

Holly60 · 12/08/2021 16:55

Did your DH specifically ask his mum to help out with the children and she said no? If not it may be that whilst he didn’t explicitly say ‘mum can you help out with these dates, we are really stuck’, his DSis has, and she hasn’t felt able to say no?

Holly60 · 12/08/2021 16:58

I only say this because when ours were young DH for some reason used to find it difficult (for some reason) to outright ask his parents for help (maybe it was a pride thing). I got fed up of trying to get him to ask in the end and just went to them direct Grin. His mum was always happy to help - well they both were, but if I hadn’t asked they wouldn’t have been aware there was a need.

Summertime21 · 12/08/2021 17:33

Df and step mum have her gc all the time, days out, overnights as well. My DC have stayed 1 night each in their lives and are now teens. Mine have noticed and commented to me how different they are treated. It hurts tbh that although I make more effort to see them, thoughtful gifts etc when step brother doesn't, his child is still the obvious favourite

silkience · 12/08/2021 17:39

What absolute arseholes they are. Of course it's painful and yanbu but don't ask on here as people are weird about it.

It's cruel to favour one child over another and all to often spills over into the grandchildren too

Mary46 · 12/08/2021 17:44

Op its not nice do they think other daughter wont notice. My mother favours my sisters kids. Its horrible and my teen has noticed it.

rogueone · 12/08/2021 20:18

my DC feel they are not as loved by grandparents as their cousins (dads brothers DC) Probably not helped with DH falling out with them which led to them all going NC for a year at a time which included them choosing to not contact their grandkids at all. They all seem to think that was normal and when they resolved it over time by not discussing the issue, couldnt understand why the DC were hesitant. It has damaged relations as my older DC defintiely have issues with their grandparents, whilst they love them they arent happy at the way they have treated them and also me during my DH illness. My DD was golden grand child for a while and was oblivious to what was going on with her younger brother. Now she is older she sees it and is very protective. I have had to ensure my DS is protected as my DH remains in the fog around his parents behaviour. my youngest appears to now be the favoured grandchild but for me it is all so unpleasant and I wont tolerate my DC feeling uncomfortable in their presence. Funny enough the eldest grandchild has graduated with a first from cambridge but i dont think the grandparents behaviour is neccessarily dependent on how you perform academically more how you perform for them

Catflapkitkat · 13/08/2021 01:02

Have you ever asked them about it? Even a jokey 'how come you are baby sitting for xxxx when you always said you would never do it? What about your sister? Have you spoken to her as in a 'how have you wangled that?'

TopBlogger · 13/08/2021 01:16

Yanbu. Very unfair to treat dcs and gdcs so differently

Eekay · 13/08/2021 01:41

I never expected childcare assistance. It was made crystal to me from the start that this would never happen. It wasn't something I dwelled on, it was just the way it was.
Even after a nasty divorce from abusive first H they didn't offer any help and I had to give up in the final year of my degree (they were well aware).
Same went for my DB'S kids. My SIL actually asked my mother to do one day a week with first baby, and was turned down flat.
Then my youngest sibling had their child many yrs later, they get 3 days a week childcare and the child regularly taken for day trips in between. Mine got the panto once a year.
I don't resent my sibling one bit. Fantastic person. I adore their gorgeous child. But they are truly the favourite, .
I think my parents either didn't twig, or didn't care that it's been obvious over the years how much significant financial help they given sibling. (House deposit, new cars etc). And this is even though they have a steady career and above average salary, not because they were on their uppers.
I've made my own way. Everything I have is down to my own persistence and I'm extremely tough and capable. So in many ways the school of hard knocks has served me well.
But it does smart, as when I was single, broke and really struggling, no help was ever forthcoming. A bit of free childcare, temporarily, would have saved my bacon.

HungryHippo11 · 13/08/2021 03:50

5 days a week!!

Original poster
Rosebel · 13/08/2021 08:25

I have mentioned it to my parents and got told that my sister needed more support. I'm still not clear why they felt like that as she's married, good career, no health problems. When I wound up in hospital with blood clots on my lungs after DS was born my husband had to risk his job by taking time off as none of the GPs would help.
In truth that was probably the straw that broke the camels back. I see the GPs less often than we used to. I still say they are entitled to refuse help with childcare but it should be the same for all the GPs.
MIL won't even discuss it and just shuts down if my husband says anything.

OP posts:
Macncheeseballs · 13/08/2021 08:30

That's awful, yanbu

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