How to be a less stressy mum?

[Fedup12423]

I feel I’m constantly telling kids off and stopping them being kids. E.g. just shopping now and DD kept running and I kept say “(name) be careful, please watch the lady infront”etc. I think I’m too the point where I’m too involved in them not annoying people. I don’t want to be like letting them run riot and not saying anything.

I have this really clear memory of being a teen teen and a toddler kept running and banging really loudly screaming and running into the changing cubicles (just curtain ones not doors) in a shop as I was in trying on clothes and I always remember thinking gosh the mother is doing nothing to stop him so I’ve always had this in back of my mind when my kids out snd about.

How can I be a little less stressy with them? Sorry for any typos I’m using phone

People who have had children generally understand and unless they are being completely over the tip maybe relax a bit

Hold hands with child in crowded areas. Child runs. Advise not to run or they will be sat in the step for X minutes when they get home and/or privileges removed. Child then has a choice. Child runs again. Child loses privileges. Shouldn't take too long before child does not run. Consistency is key; they know you'll follow through.

Depending on age, return them to a pushchair if they cannot behave. If they're older, advise you will be returning them to a pushchair anyway if they cannot behave. That one certainly calms my DD6 down! Don't worry - you don't have the follow through with that one.

I used to be like this OP. Children are entitled to take up space and be children. As long as they're not being destructive, shouting/screaming or bumping into people then leave them be.

This isn't directly relevant to your OP but it might help too. It also helped me to take a step back and think about why we were doing an activity, i.e. because I wanted the DC to have fun. If they stopped on a walk to the park and wanted to stroke a cat or count snails instead then that was ok. I didn't have to stress about getting to the park or having enough time there because they were accomplishing the mission (!) in another way.

Online shopping!!

You do pick your battles but dont always think it's out of order for you to be heard either, there's times people let their kids get away with murder at the school gates, playground or soft play . Give me the parent who says 'hey! You can't do that' in front of other parents any day!!!!

Thank you for the advice everyone. I think if I’m honest the truth is I’m a people pleaser and hate the idea of people judging me as a bad parent! But really I need to have a more balanced view of parenting

Oh yes me too !!! My pet hate (one of them) is people blocking the pavement so I'm trying to stop my DDs doing it. I feel like I spend half our walks telling them off for standing in the middle of the pavement and reminding them to go to the side when people are passing. It's even worse when they scoot or cycle because they can easily fill the whole narrow pavement by stopping there diagonally. They are only little so they stop a LOT.

You don't sound "stressy" at all. You sound like a responsible parent teaching their children to be considerate of others.

There is a time and a place for them to run wild - you need to find the balance. So take them to a big park and they can run around and make noise and get muddy and wet and leap about in the puddles or leaves or climb and you should largely leave them to get on with it. Children and clothes are washable after all.

But in a shop? Or on a busy road? It's not polite - or safe - to be behaving in the same way. So you keep calming reminding and reinforcing that which it sounds like you are. That's not being stressy.

Pick your battles - don't pick them up on every tiny thing

Avoid places where their natural behaviour is likely to cause issues as far as possible until they're a bit older

Give them opportunities to do the behaviour eg run, shout etc in an appropriate place

Set expectations prior to the event eg "we're going to go into X shop now, please remember to walk, and ask me and wait for me to say yes before you touch anything"

Tell them what to do rather than what not to do

Don't feel you have to raise your voice or sound stern when telling them to do X, you can tell them calmly and kindly.

@Fedup12423

Thank you for the advice everyone. I think if I’m honest the truth is I’m a people pleaser and hate the idea of people judging me as a bad parent! But really I need to have a more balanced view of parenting

I get this, but at some point you have to ask yourself, what's more important to me: other people's opinions of my parenting, or relaxed children with a good sense of self esteem.

My child is quite anxious and I think it's partly connected to my earlier parenting where I was too cautious, possibly too controlling.

They are learning (as we all are) and you can guide them in advance as to how to behave in upcoming situations and remind them again if necessary bending down and asking what we talked about earlier. Recognising how much time they and you can cope with before becoming tired and restless or hangry. Once I realised this it helped a lot. Not constantly of course but I did notice when I failed to be prepared what resulted.

Maybe be clear with the children and with yourself about situation-appropriate behaviour. Children should not be running in shops, malls, crowded places, next to swimming-pools etc. So I don't think you're a stressy parent to reign them in and stop them doing this. Fwiw, I still have to say to my 3yo what feels like a hundred times a day, "This is a shop/the doctor's/ the bus/the train/ next to a busy road. We do not run around here but we walk/sit nicely". Over time, the message seems to be sinking in but it's slow going .

In the playground, I'm trying to butt out a bit more and not interfere so much in my DC's interactions with other children (within reason, of course).

@nanbread said
“ I get this, but at some point you have to ask yourself, what's more important to me: other people's opinions of my parenting, or relaxed children with a good sense of self esteem.

My child is quite anxious and I think it's partly connected to my earlier parenting where I was too cautious, possibly too controlling.”
This is worth reading and remembering. Great insight. Can you turn it into a mantra @Fedup12423