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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I passive aggressive here?

23 replies

Angelaanaconda10 · 12/08/2021 11:03

I didn’t mean to be, meant to be assertive but sometimes things are taken differently online.

I have 2 friends who live about 3 hours away in a popular city, and I usually go to visit them once or twice a year, and they come back down here too.

I messaged saying that my partner and I were planning to come down anytime after X date and when would be good for them?
One replied saying that would be nice and the following weekends she would be free.

The other just put, yeah might be about but busy for 3 weekends on the trot and then ideally I just wanted sole time on my own to chill and go and see some friends.

Which is her right of course, she just didn’t give any dates that she would be free and didn’t even sound that bothered about us coming in my opinion.

So I just wrote that it was no problem if it wasn’t convenient then and we would come a bit later when they were both free.

I’ve had no reply or dates when she’s free since from her, wasn’t sure if she just didn’t want me to come or trying to make excuses so I’ve left the ball in her court.

Probably just overthinking it, what should I say or do?

OP posts:
Fernando072020 · 12/08/2021 11:05

Sounds like she doesn't want to meet up honestly.
I'd go when you were originally planning and arrange to see the other friend and don't bother contacting the other again

fatboyslimschin · 12/08/2021 11:06

Say nothing back. she has no plans for seeing you anytime soon. I'd be bit taken back by her message tbh

subsy1 · 12/08/2021 11:06

Perhaps, go when you proposed and have a great time with your other friend?
Plenty of FB and Instagram pics, of course.

Justmuddlingalong · 12/08/2021 11:06

I'd make arrangements with friend 1 and let friend 2 know you were in the the area.

loveisagirlnameddaisy · 12/08/2021 11:07

I think you're overthinking it. Her reply wasn't great, but maybe she's waiting for you to suggest some more dates.

Original poster
Angelaanaconda10 · 12/08/2021 11:08

Yeah I’d be so flattered if someone wanted to travel 3 hours to see me but I don’t really have any friends who would do that lol, maybe it’s just the way she writes on text but I just got the vibe she wasn’t that bothered.
That’s a good idea, I can just go and make plans with friend 1.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 12/08/2021 11:08

I think you’re over thinking it. A lot.

crikey456 · 12/08/2021 11:09

Unfortunately I think it sounds like she doesn't want to meet.

She sounds a bit annoyed at the thought of meeting. Do you normally take your partner? If not, could this be why she doesn't want to meet?

I would just ignore her and meet up with your other friend. She can easily get in touch if she changes her mind x

Original poster
Angelaanaconda10 · 12/08/2021 11:11

She’s never met my partner before and I thought they could meet. We wouldn’t be staying at theirs or anything, we’d get a hotel. Who knows, I’ll just focus on the other friend anyway.

OP posts:
SaltySheepdog · 12/08/2021 11:14

Just meet friend 1

Icecreamsoda99 · 12/08/2021 11:18

Could she be worried about seeing people due to Covid and not want to say for fear if ridicule? Not saying you would ridicule her but some people are still very nervous about it.

crikey456 · 12/08/2021 11:21

I wonder if maybe it is the tho

Original poster
Angelaanaconda10 · 12/08/2021 11:22

I don’t think it’s due to Covid as she’s been out with others etc and is double vaccinated but who knows

OP posts:
crikey456 · 12/08/2021 11:22

Thought of meeting your partner. Is she a bit of an introverted or anxious person? Maybe the thought of meeting your partner too is a bit much for her?

Either way, as a friend she should definitely not be such a prick about meeting.

Stick with the other friend :)

Original poster
Angelaanaconda10 · 12/08/2021 11:23

I don’t think she’d be anxious about meeting my partner and don’t see why she would but who knows really

OP posts:
Original poster
Angelaanaconda10 · 12/08/2021 11:35

I asked her if she wanted to meet my partner literally to go on a walk for an hour over a year ago now, it was close to where she lived too. She just said no as she didn’t want to be a 3rd wheel. It was literally a bloody walk round a park, not a week abroad.

OP posts:
Wishingwell75 · 12/08/2021 11:39

Is there some history or have you slighted friend 2 in any way without realising? Because it's not just the vagueness but the comment about chilling with friends on the 4th weekend.
Don't sweat it though, she was a bit p a (not a bloody reverse is it and I read it wrong? Sorry if so.) But yeah, have a lovely time with friend one, maybe text friend 2 while you're there and see if she's free.

SusieBob · 12/08/2021 11:39

Just meet up with your other friend...?

Don't take ridiculous advice like cutting her off. Sometimes people are just busy and perhaps don't want to say why, or just fancy a few weekends without having to entertain friends and that's absolutely fine.

imnottoofussed · 12/08/2021 11:43

I personally would be offended by what she said "yeah might be about but busy for 3 weekends on the trot and then ideally I just wanted sole time on my own to chill and go and see some friends."

So she's really not interested in seeing you as she wants time on her own and to see some other friends, charming.

I would arrange to meet the first friend.

honeylulu · 12/08/2021 11:45

I would go and arrange to see friend 1. Friend 2 doesn't seem bothered but if you tell her when you'll be around she might decide she fancies it. If not then you can just enjoy time with friend 1.

Friend 2 sounds flakey and either isn't bothered about seeing you, or sees you as low priority (maybe thinking you always make the effort so she doesn't have to, and she can pick and choose if she fancies bestowing her company upon you). Hence why I suggest carrying on without factoring her in. If she realises you aren't bothered it might wake her up a bit to realise she isn't as special as she thinks.

Her comment about "I might want to go and see some friends " would have really annoyed me though. Here you are, a friend, suggesting to meet up and she has effectively replied that she might prefer to see some other friends instead.

Michaelangelo467 · 12/08/2021 11:49

Ah, it’s now becoming clear what the issue is. You want her to meet your partner and she wants to meet you, just you, for the friendship she is comfortable with and enjoys. Neither of you is right or wrong, she just wants to see her friend, not her friend plus one. She’s told you this already, she doesn’t want to be the “third wheel”. Do you want to see her without your partner?

thecatsthecats · 12/08/2021 11:49

It should be fine and acceptable to say that you're chocka and not up to adding more to your plate without the Spanish Inquisition.

I've got plans on almost all weekends until October now. My heart would sink if someone tried to nab that free one.

DeathStare · 12/08/2021 11:58

Just book a date to visit that works with Friend 1. If Friend 2 is then available to meet you... great. If she's not available, it's no big deal. Please don't turn this into a drama that it isn't

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