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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be starting to resent DH's new start up business?

24 replies

Giantwaterbottle · 12/08/2021 09:26

I think maybe I am being unreasonable.

Circs are; two you DC - 3 and 1 1/2. I work part time in an office job, two and a half days every week.
Kids are not in nursery at the moment. Eldest will be back September three days a week.
So we split childcare two and a half days a week and work the other days.
Now DH's main job (we are extremely fortunate) doesn't take too much attention most of the time. So he has very little to do on this most days. Most days when I have the kids he's been working on a new business venture/hobby. The business is his hobby, so think along the lines of pottery. He is very talented at it. He's been doing it for nearly a year, and hasn't sold anything yet. I don't know if it's that he isn't able to build up a client base or whatever (honestly he is good at it but the things he is crafting are very expensive and niche).

A lot of the time he has made things for me, for example the thing he is making at the moment is for us, it's practical but in no way essential. He's been spending days on it. I try to think about it like he's honing his skills and I suppose he is.

So am I being unreasonable to be feeling fed up? He is the hirer earner. But it feels like on my days I either do work or childcare and his he does childcare and then basically his hobby for hours.

OP posts:

Teacupsandtoast · 12/08/2021 09:33

I get it....BUT....could you help him on the marketing/promotion front and get his pieces seen by the right audience? If it's quite a bespoke craft, some behind the scenes tiktok videos of the creation process, an instagram page and contacting local press/magazines for features - especially if this is a venture inspired by finding a new life/work balance with Covid and all?

RoseGoldEagle · 12/08/2021 09:37

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. It sounds like he’s found a good excuse to spend a lot of time on his hobby, by saying it’s going to bring some money in, when really it’s just something he enjoys doing. If he’s not sold anything in a year I think it would be fair enough for you to sit down with him and ask what his plans are for the business, how he’s going to try and make money out of it, and if in reality it’s just a hobby, you both should be splitting any ‘free’ time (which I know there isn’t a lot of with young kids!) between the two of you, so you get some down time too. Do you really need extra income right now? Because if you’re doing ok in your current jobs, I’d be tempted to say to him that while the kids are small and free time is so limited, you should just simplify things by not trying to turn his hobby into a business right now, and maybe he still does his hobby but just not quite as often,
hones his skills over the next few years and maybe looks to getting a business off the ground when the kids are a bit older?

suspiria777 · 12/08/2021 09:37

you are not being unreasonable. If he were doing "pottery" for clients that would be one thing, but if he's only making non-essential "vases" for your house, which is really just something he's doing for fun, then that is leisure time and you should have an equal amount of that.

Sparklfairy · 12/08/2021 09:42

It sounds like he’s found a good excuse to spend a lot of time on his hobby, by saying it’s going to bring some money in, when really it’s just something he enjoys doing.

Agree with this. It's not really a business as he hasn't sold anything. He needs to be spending at least 50% of his 'business' time preferably 100% studying marketing, distribution, basic accounting, and the practicalities of running a business.

or he could start being honest with himself and you

GreyEyedWitch · 12/08/2021 09:49

So is your DH's full-time job not actually requiring him to work all of his contracted hours? Is he then doing his hobby in working hours? If so, then I can see how his employer might be annoyed if they found out but I don't think it's fair for you to expect him to be doing more around the house during 'working' hours.

However, I do think you should both have equal free time outside of working hours. Is he doing his hobby in the evenings too? I would have a conversation with your DH about reducing the amount of time he is spending on his hobby if that is the case. Perhaps you could sit down and decide on the extra support you want and free up some time for yourself in the evenings and on weekends.

Original poster

Giantwaterbottle · 12/08/2021 09:50

Thanks for the replies. This is exactly how I feel. I feel bad saying about the "vase" as he's making it for me and I did mention I wanted one but that I'd buy it and he said he'd make it.
I think what is getting me is that if we split the free time a bit more then he would end up doing more childcare than me, if that makes sense, and it would feel as though he was doing more "work".
Though he wouldn't be as his job is low maintenance and mine I have to physically do a certain amount of hours.

OP posts:

TakeYourFinalPosition · 12/08/2021 09:55

Is he on call, and therefore he can do what he wants when he’s not called, so to speak?

Or does he have a job with set hours but not much to do, and he’s doing his hobby inside those working hours?

I don’t think you can count hours that he “should” be working as free time…

But I also don’t think he can count the hours he’s spending on the “business” as a business if it’s not making money. Breaking even would be one thing, it takes time for businesses to become profitable, but if he’s not making any money, he’s working on a hobby right now.

GreyEyedWitch · 12/08/2021 09:55

Ah, ok. Does he work for himself then?

In that case, I would agree the working hours (definitely not full-time) for his hobby business and expect more of him.

Amima · 12/08/2021 09:56

Is it a new business venture or a hobby? Because it sounds like a hobby. It doesn’t sound like he’s registered a company, taken an accountancy course, touted his products around galleries etc to sell them, he’s not working on marketing, etc. If it’s just a hobby then he should be giving you more time for yourself. If and when it becomes a proper business, then it would be reasonable for you to do a bit more childcare so he can get on with it.

Original poster

Giantwaterbottle · 12/08/2021 10:00

@GreyEyedWitch he is self employed in his main job so it's his own business and he's lucky in that it mainly runs itself. Totally agree it would be out of order if he was employed by someone else!

In the evenings he rarely does the hobby/business. We usually spend evenings (or what's left of them after sorting the kids) together watching tv/reading/I do my hobby.

Think I will have to bite the bullet and talk to him but I feel bad as he does so much and is so good all round!

OP posts:

Aprilx · 12/08/2021 10:15

I honestly don’t understand your post. I don’t understand how his self employed business can run itself and continue to bring money in whilst he does nothing. It also appears like you split childcare equally so I don’t really understand what your issue is there either.

WhoEatsPopTarts · 12/08/2021 10:20

So what you’re saying is his child free time is mostly about pleasure and yours is mostly work?

TakeYourFinalPosition · 12/08/2021 10:47

Okay, so to check we're understanding right...

You work 2.5 days in an office.
He works "full time", but is self-employed and in reality, doesn't need 2.5 full days to work most of the time.
You have 2 children, and both look after them 2.5 days a week while the other is working.
You both spend evenings together relaxing.

You feel resentful because he's doing his "hobby" in his 2.5 days, which is something he enjoys rather than something that's bringing in money, and your job isn't the same.

So in your head, he's spending 2.5 days on his "hobby" while you are spending 2.5 days working?

If that's right, I think it's a bit unreasonable... understandably, because you're going out to work and he's not, but it's just the nature of different careers.

It does sound right now like everything is shared quite evenly, presuming that him not doing much "work" isn't detrimental to the business at all, and he's still bringing in the amount that he needs to.

The hobby is a bit of a red herring as he's doing it on work time. A bit like if he was in the office watching Game of Thrones, or something. It's rubbish for the employer, but you couldn't be annoyed that he could be doing something else, as he's working.

LemonTT · 12/08/2021 10:54

His job allows him free time that he otherwise wouldn’t have. He has decided to use that time to make things. But you want him to do something else.

What is it you want him to do ? Because that’s a better place to start than telling him what he can’t do.

Otherwise can you get a job in his line of business too.

Amima · 12/08/2021 11:01

What if he does make a profit from his hobby-business? Are you still going to be annoyed about him doing it because he enjoys his work and you don’t?

Rannva · 12/08/2021 11:04

If he hasn't sold anything yet, it's not a business, it's dicking around.

I started a side-business over lockdown. Selling was the point. I didn't start calling it a business until I'd made a healthy profit and had to start filling dull tax forms over it.

I wouldn't have expected anyone to have any patience with me shirking responsibility if no money was being made.

Original poster

Giantwaterbottle · 12/08/2021 11:12

@TakeYourFinalPosition that is spot on.

OP posts:

Original poster

Giantwaterbottle · 12/08/2021 11:17

@LemonTT yes you see this is why I think I'm being unreasonable.
He has a great job that allows him lots of free time.
He still does 50/50 childcare it's just that when I have the kids he has a lot more free time than me and is doing this hobby/business in that time.

The only thing I can think of that would be more useful that I could ask would be that if he could spend a few hours helping out around the house trying to get jobs done that need doing which I try and do on my childcare days but it's hard with the kids.

OP posts:

Stompythedinosaur · 12/08/2021 11:23

I think you are being a bit unreasonable, sorry. It sounds like you are resentful that he is able to spend time training (i.e. building skills) in something he enjoys during his share of the work hours. That seems unfair - maybe look at how you can shift your work to being something you enjoy more also?

I do a job which allows me time for training, and I really enjoy this. It is still work, though!

DoylyCarte · 12/08/2021 11:27

He’s orchestrated a work situation where his business that he runs, looks after itself and brings in the highest wage. He’s now also taking on an additional start-up in an area which he enjoys and for which he’s honing his skill before going to market… it sounds to me like he’s got the absolutely right idea in terms of working and he’s clearly achieving success, so just accept that as the alternative would be worse - right now, you’re jealous, but if he quit it all and was out the house working high pressure job for others to bring in the same income, you all - including the children/childcare - would suffer. So I think YABU.

Agree with trying to get involved in helping him but only if you have greater or complimentary skills to him, as he’s clearly already entrepreneurial and already runs a successful business so not exactly wet behind the ears. Combining family and work can be disastrous.

You may think his skill level is high enough to sell his items, but maybe he wants to be a master of the craft with the happiest customers from day one who find no fault with his pieces and so recommend and repurchase from him - maybe he’s hoping to be leader in that area and so is taking the time to perfect his abilities before putting himself out there, and luckily for him his existing role enables him this choice.

If he launches and has completed honing the perfect product that he can replicate etc and it becomes wildly successful in addition to his ongoing company running itself then surely that’s a good thing? Even if it fails it’s good to have a passion and it’s not affecting you directly in terms of income/you having to pay for the folly etc. So I actually think he’s doing really well!

Amima · 12/08/2021 12:47

He has a great job that allows him lots of free time. He still does 50/50 childcare
So your complaint is that his job is better than yours. He’s doing his share but you want him to do more because you’re jealous that he has a better job.

gannett · 12/08/2021 12:55

I know the idea of one's DP enjoying a hobby is total anathema on MN but if he's doing 50/50 childcare I don't see the problem?

He enjoys making quality things - forget everyone saying it doesn't count unless he's selling them. That's a great use of his time.

therearenogoodusernamesleft · 12/08/2021 13:12

You both have the same amount of time allocated to work, but he's essentially made better career choices, no? He doesn't really have a job in the traditional sense, he's running a successful business.

LemonTT · 12/08/2021 13:43

@gannett

I know the idea of one's DP enjoying a hobby is total anathema on MN but if he's doing 50/50 childcare I don't see the problem?

He enjoys making quality things - forget everyone saying it doesn't count unless he's selling them. That's a great use of his time.

Not me. I think people should have hobbies and interests in addition to work and family life. Balance is key but I don’t see what the father husband is doing wrong here.

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