I haven’t started an AIBU thread in probably 6 or 7 years, this feels rather nostalgic 😂
Anyway, there has been tension surrounding my kids and how often they see my parents since my daughter (DC2) was born, and she’s 8 now. I think it might just always be this way, but it’s recently kicked up again so...I don’t know.
DH and I have three children (14, 8, and 6). They are my parent’s only grandchildren. We live about 300 miles away from my mom and dad, so about a 5 hour drive. That isn’t terribly far for the states, but neither is it a drive you want to do every other weekend or anything.
When DS1 was our only child, they saw him quite a lot...my mom was more active then and since it was just him, it was much easier for them to take him for long weekends etc. But he went to full time school when he was 6, which coincided with the birth of DD, so it just wasn’t as easy to pack him off when school was part of the mix. Consequently they feel that they do not have the same relationship with DD and DS2 as they did with our oldest boy, which is probably true.
A few factors: I don’t drive. So DH has to come any time we go visit, and he can’t get a ton of time off of work. Currently he works remotely on Mondays and Fridays, but my parents have spotty internet access so there’s no guarantee he could work at theirs.
I work usually 25-30 hours a week. We’re incredibly short staffed at the moment, and most days off have to be put in the month before. It’s not likely I’ll be able to get any extra time off in the next few weeks. I’m also on our City Council, which (even though it’s just a tiny city) keeps me incredibly busy with meetings etc and also things just pop up (for instance one of our police officers was assaulted last week and there were things to set in motion there; I was called in at 2 a.m.)
My dad works most days except Thursday and Saturday. He can get time off too but also has to request it in advance.
They have two bigger dogs. We have a dog, who can come with us when we visit, and a cat, bearded dragon, and guinea pigs, who cannot.
I want my kids to have a good relationship with my parents. I truly do. They adore each other and of course I like to see them too, it just doesn’t happen as often as it maybe should because of all the moving factors.
The biggest thing right now (and the point of this AIBU, I promise I do have one!) is that even when we do make plans, my mom’s health will cause issues at the last minute, which is of course not her fault.
She isn’t terminally ill or anything like that, thank God, but she does have migraines a lot (so doesn’t work) and also has a bad knee, gets motion sick, things like that.
So for example, the kids were going to go up to see them and stay for a week around the 4th of July. They hadn’t seen them since the winter due to COVID and they were really really excited to go.
I couldn’t get away because the 4th is our busiest weekend at work, so we’d planned for DH to take the kids and meet my dad half way, hand them off, and then he’d come home while my dad took them back to theirs. Then DH and I would pick them up later in the week and stay for a few days with my parents as well, before heading home.
A week before that happened, though, my mom got a call that her knee surgery (which she didn’t expect to take place until the fall) had been unexpectedly moved up and she could have it done right after the 4th, which meant they couldn’t have the kids.
Obviously none of that was her fault and I was really relieved for her that she was getting the surgery, but that was kind of the only week it was going to work for us.
I can’t get time off anymore, we can’t get pet sitters on short notice, and now DS1 has school and sports obligations starting next week.
This has happened, honestly, quite a bit. We’ll have plans and then a health reason will derail them, which I completely understand—but my mom never counts those times I had everything set up for a visit and then it didn’t happen on their end.
She’s been messaging me lately about how she never sees them and we never come there and all this other stuff, about how it’s ridiculous she isn’t going to see them at all this summer. I know she’s just upset and loves us and all but I don’t know how to explain that it takes a lot of planning on our end and I can’t just magically move things to a week or two later, regardless of how valid the reason is.
Additionally (sorry, this is a freaking novel, but I don’t want to drip feed), I offer alternatives a lot but those don’t work either. There’s a lovely city halfway in between us and I talk a lot about how it would be nice to meet there and just have a day out...take the kids to the aquarium or the zoo, visit the gorgeous parks, eat at a restaurant that isn’t your usual small town greasy spoon...but she always says no. She wants them/us at her house and that’s it.
This year I told her we’re going to a big water park near Christmas as the kid’s main Christmas present, so we can’t travel to theirs, but I said I would love for them to come with us and we would get them a room, or else we can arrange a visit here around Christmas before we go. She’s not pleased with either option.
I know she can’t help her health, but some of the other things it seems like she just wants what she wants, regardless of anyone else’s schedule. When she gets like this, she makes me feel like I’m some cruel person deliberately keeping the kids from her, and that just isn’t the case.
Oh, and I had planned on sending the younger 2 to see them starting the 21st (DS1 can’t go, but they can) and my mom said definitely to plan on it. But now she’s saying something about a Dr’s visit on the 25th or something? So she doesn’t know if it will work.
Sorry this was so long. AIBU to feel like there isn’t a great solution here? How often is reasonable to go to theirs? (When there isn’t a pandemic, anyway)?