To find it impossible to assert myself without being seen as a PITA

[Notquitemanaging]

I'm pretty conflict averse and keen to please which is normally fine as I genuinely get pleasure from seeing kids, DP, family and friends happy and historically managed to get some time for myself too each week.

Since the first lockdown my workload has become unavoidably larger and less flexible and then since it's eased wider family and friends started organising more which is lovely but it can sometimes feel like there's a fine line between a lovely invitation and a sense of obligation. I have this constant sense of letting people down and not being around enough for anyone and my DP is great but my kids and wider family keep making me feel like I'm completely selfish.

Daft example but we were meant to go and stay with parents for last week of school hols and I understood on the Monday but they thought Sunday night. Kids have been invited to a party on the Sunday they really want to go to which I've explained and instead of just saying oh right my normally lovely dad keeps saying "that really is a pity actually because insert totally inane reason eg "it buggers the rhythm of the week I had in mind." and when I explain again why sunday is tricky doesn't drop it just says "yet again you're just taking on too much."

I don't want to go to a kids' party, I don't really want to do half the stuff I do right now and constantly feel a bit on the edge of losing my temper because I'm not getting any time for myself or things I'd like to do but also constantly feel I'm blamed for juggling too much when none of it is even really my stuff so much as my kids' social lives or clubs or my work or sorting home stuff as DH's hours have gone insane too.

I know I'm behind on catching up with friends too and normally would be more on whatsapp or sorting drinks and stuff which I normally do lots of and enjoy and have had a few messages along lines of "when are you sorting the next night out?" and end up replying with an emjoi and something like "on the case" when I just want to politely explain I've got no time at all and feel like I'm drowning.

Why am I crap at this?

OP I would do what I had to do for the kids, but when it comes to other adults putting pressure on, you've got to learn to say NO! Tell you dad that at the age the kids are, going to a party is more exciting than just about anything else, so it's Monday or nothing. Tell your friends who ask when you're sorting out the next get together, 'sorry, I'm really drowning in other stuff right now, is there any chance you can organise something, and I'll just try and come along'. If they don't understand, or help you out, then that's tough on them. You have to learn that you can't be all things to all people, and that as the saying goes 'No' is a complete answer!!

I'm terrible at this, I find giving explanations means people then try to find loopholes to get what they want.

I also find myself saying I'll do that later then later never comes and people are still waiting. People do generally help out though if you ask with enough notice.

Have your hours increased? I'm wondering if protecting certain times would help.

If friends ask when you're sorting the extra night out say you haven't got time and can someone else sort it. Kids going to their party is prob pretty important to them and I'd tell your dad.

It's horrible to feel as.if you've got to do it all. Does your DH/DP share the mental load?

You're all 100% right and Ive seen that phrase "no is a complete answer" before and love it.... it's just that in practice I find myself explaining and justifying everything and when I do actually just say no it's so unfamiliar for everyone it somehow seems aggressive or just rude.

DH shares mental load to best he can with the hours he has - we're both working more than before but his hours are off the chart. The other thing is, even though he will try to be the one that takes them to parties / sports or whatever, people always contact me to the point that it's more effort at least up front at first delagating it to him.

Things are all fine really - we're lucky to have a lot going on - i just feel quite drained and like I don't even have the mental energy to keep up with remembering what's happening in the novel I've been trying to read for the last year in five minute chunks every few evenings much less actually sort out my life properly :) Do need to make a change though as I do keep almost really shouting at the kids and none of this is their fault.

This is only a short-term fix/cheat, but I have found a LOT of pressure relieved by listening to podcasts and audiobooks while doing some of the mundane tasks and turning emptying the dishwasher into a couple of pages of an audiobook that I've read as well.

I started dong it during lockdown when I was getting NO time to myself and it's really helped me to feel as though I am getting a chance to choose the channel as it were.

It seems a bit silly now I've written it down, but I'll hit post on the off-chance that it may help, because part of what makes me need 'space' is the feeling that everything I have is shared with everyone else, so having an earpiece in and listening to something that was just for me made it a bit easier when I had to be doing things for other people!

That’s really a helpful suggestion - thank you!!!