I can’t really stop buying for family whilst I’ve got dc right?

[Lochelant]

Ok, so I know that it’s only August but some of my family members, who are obsessed with Christmas (me not as much) have already started the discussion of gifts, meals out, hosting etc. I find it all exhausting. I have 2dc and my family eg parents, parents in law, grandparents, sisters, uncles etc ALL buy for my dc and some of them still buy for me and my dh even though I (politely) tell them not to as it’s to much for them when they buy for our dc also. In an ideal world I’d like to just buy for our dc plus our nieces and nephews. But I can’t really do that if other people buy for my dc right? I’d feel so mean. But the fact I have adhd and anxiety means I find it hard enough just buying gifts for my own dc as it takes a lot of mental effort and organisation and that’s with help from my dh. I used to really enjoy Christmas and I do once it’s here but the build up to it now having to think of and buy gifts for everyone is draining.

We did secret Santa last year because of furlough, salary sacrifices etc with Covid. I think we’ll keep it. I do still buy my two childless cousins a token gift though because I feel bad that we haven’t done this sooner and DH and I have been receiving gifts all these years even though we have DC.

I have DS aged 7, 3 nieces and a nephew.

Then I have one BIL and SIL as a couple and Brother and His Wife.

And on top DM and DGM.

I buy BIL and SIL a joint present like a nice box of chocolates and then the 2 girls who are both under 2 a little present. £5 - £10 each.

Then niece x2, nephew get a little gift £10 -£15 each

But me, bro, his wife, mum, nan all do a secret Santa with a £30 max limit.

So Christmas for me is about £100 on DS and then family is max

TK maxx is my best friend at Christmas 🤣 and less than £200 for everyone.

I'd really try and get everyone on board with a secret Santa! It's an absolute life saver/budget saver.

DS gets his big gifts for Birthdays so Nintendo DS and such.

[quote Squirrelblanket]@kowari You buy for your nephew and your sister buys for her nephew (your son) in return. That's an exchange, everyone is equal.

The poster you quoted was talking about people with no children buying gifts and getting nothing in return which is totally different.

I second the poster who suggested speaking to your family about a secret Santa for the adults or a meal out, but do it soon.[/quote]
I realise that, I said in my post that it actually makes my DS feel uncomfortable, we'd rather it wasn't an exchange and to just buy for my young nephew. I believe more in paying it forward than an exchange. I bought for my sister when she was a child, she bought for DS when he was a child, DS and I both now buy for my nephew. DS would rather not be given money.

Secret santa is definitely the way forward for adult gifts. Everyone gets something, and if you set a decent limit then they get one £40 decent present rather than loads of £5-10 generic presents.

When people hear "I don't expect a gift" or "you don't have to buy me anything", what they hear is that they can still indulge their shopping addiction and buy you something to make themselves feel worthy / popular / affluent / generous / whatever kick they get out of Christmas shopping.

Genuinely, just speak up now and say outright that you want to do "presence over presents", with gifts only for the kids.

If they want to buy you gifts, you can't stop them. But you can make it clear that you won't be buying presents for adults any more.

I used to buy so many presents, out of obligation, and I'd have to save all year long for it, then end up giving presents that weren't always gratefully received, and receiving shit presents myself. Haha.

I don't ever plan on buying presents for family again. It's so much less stressful. Speak up for yourself. It's not just about what they want. It's your Christmas too. And if you want it to be largely stress and obligation and consumption-free, say that!

Agreed that the incredible benefit of this is finding out that Christmas really isn't that stressful.

We stopped presents for adults when ds was 2 i think. Everyone was pretty happy about it.

Secret Santa sounds like the best idea. There are apps that are good. We've used one in work. It randomly assigns you a person and you get sent an email telling you your person. Everyone can then make a wish list on it to give the buyer some ideas which I always appreciate being able to see.

It can be tricky. Do your siblings have children? We just buy for our own DC, parents and in-laws and nieces and nephews. So we don't buy for our own siblings if that makes sense. I also buy gifts for a few friends' children.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=KIXFSnNe_wQ
Check out Martin Lewis (a repeat worth repeating) 🎄🎄

About three years ago I said to my wider family that from now on I would prefer we only buy for children, not adults, due to cost, time spent buying, and for the environment. That cut out a lot of the hassle for me, and I would really recommend it. If they still want to buy for adults, they can, but you can opt out of that part.

I will confess I enjoy looking for presents for people but don’t spend a lot.
If most of your relatives like wine or chocolates buy the ones who like wine wine and the other chocolates.
This year everyone is getting a second hand book mainly for environmental reasons ( I will buy close family members something else as well) I’m looking in charity shops mainly but may use amazon for the harder to find books. Would something similar work for you?

What about suggesting a secret Santa for the adults and gifts for the DC.
As for friends who buy your DC a present, its nice to return the favour.
Start early throughout the year buy random stuff during the sales to take the pressure off.

Our family decided last year not to buy adult presents. Best decision! So much less stressful. Saves so much money! I'm not buying pointless gifts for the sake of it which get stuck in the cupboard then given to a charity shop and vice versa. Suggest it and see what everyone says! They may be grateful.

For DH's family everyone buys for kids and there is a secret Santa for adults.

My family is smaller so just me, my parents and sister and brother in law plus 3 dc between us so we buy gifts for adults too.

We text everyone early in the year saying from the forthcoming Xmas we were no longer buying for others, purely because we were buying for the sake of it. And same in return. All unused or rarely played with.

Everyone was In agreement. We now have a kids mini tea party early Dec instead.