dad is ill and has sworn me to secrecy

[ttcwithpcos1]

My dad just called me and told me he's been signed off work for the next few months due to health problems. He's had a mystery cough for the past couple years which was diagnosed as indigestion but has only gotten worse and recently he told me he's been passing out when he has coughing fits so can't work and is going for tests.

He hates anything medical or anyone worrying so he hasn't told anyone else (he's not with my DM anymore, I'm an only child and single) and has sworn me to secrecy. He said he only told me because I would inevitably find out so he had to.

I feel really alone with the information and no one to talk to about it. I'm just really worried. And I can't bring it up with him because I know he's avoiding talking about it because he hates talking about things like that.

Actually you can bring it up with him. Tell him you are obviously concerned and please will he keep you up to date about any appointments or investigations etc? No need to discuss it endlessly but sharing information is fair to you since he’s told you this much.

I would actually also share with a trusted partner or friend if you are really worried but I know many people wouldn’t.

Best wishes with it.

Thanks. I told him to let me know about any appointments or updates and he promised he would. I would definitely share with a friend but I'm not close with anyone outside the family/community so there's no one unrelated I could tell. I know that's why he didn't tell anyone either because once you tell one person everyone knows.

Is he the type to really press for answers and an investigation? Goes without saying an undiagnosed persistent cough needs examination and not to be fobbed off with something like indigestion.

Is he still with your mother?

Reason I ask, my father was incredibly laid back with his health, didn’t press for care or management plans and secretive about the extent of his illnesses. He passed away as a result of this. Obviously an extreme example, but I’d press him about his appointments and results and if serious, tell your mother (if they are still together )

I'm sorry to hear about your dad @Nc4post99 my dad sounds a lot like this and it worries me.

He's not with my mum and hasn't been for years. He hates anyone being involved in his life. He's the type to accept the easiest least worrying explanation and always says "it's fine" about everything. He would be happy and relieved to hear indigestion and not want to push further. I feel guilty because I was noticing it getting worse but assumed he had it under control and he would always mention the indigestion as if that was the diagnosis so I didn't think of it as something to look into.

I texted him to remind him to let me know about future appointments and he said he will and it's nothing to worry about. I just have so many more questions and want to know what they've ruled out and what they're looking into but I don't want to upset him.

I really feel for you, I’ve been there and not to project my situation onto you but is there anyway you can attend your dads appointments with him?

This was a huge thing with my father, he’d downplay his symptoms to the consultants, not push for explanations or management plans and refuse to let my mother come too (she’s very self obsessed so wouldn’t be much help). I do wish I’d been more forceful, even if it caused an argument because maybe he’d still be here.

That's a huge responsibility for you. I hope everything's OK with your dad.

He has told someone else because he has been signed off, which means a doctor spoke to him and diagnosed him as being unwell enough to be signed off work. I know it’s difficult, but you need to press your dad on what the doctor said to/advised him in that appointment and that might give you some insight.

I’d be gently insisting you’d like to be at future appointments to support him and to hear information first hand.

I’d also 100% offload to a friend if you need to, not anyone that knows him that might run into him in Tesco and be indiscreet obviously but you need support for yourself too.

Thank you, really helpful advice.

@plodalong12 he said the doctor signed him off because it would be dangerous if he passed out at work.

I've just been more worried since talking to him more...apparently he was NEVER diagnosed with indigestion and in fact it was ruled out two years ago but there was no further investigation into the cough. He has no further appointments booked because "everyone is on holiday" and "no one is worried."

Honestly it almost makes me angry to be left with this on my own, told there's no plan and nothing is in place, but also asked not to worry about it. What am I supposed to do with that??

Can you book an appointment on his behalf and force guide him into it by attending it with him? That way you can go directly to the doctor and ask questions.

@ttcwithpcos1

Thank you, really helpful advice.

@plodalong12 he said the doctor signed him off because it would be dangerous if he passed out at work.

I've just been more worried since talking to him more...apparently he was NEVER diagnosed with indigestion and in fact it was ruled out two years ago but there was no further investigation into the cough. He has no further appointments booked because "everyone is on holiday" and "no one is worried."

Honestly it almost makes me angry to be left with this on my own, told there's no plan and nothing is in place, but also asked not to worry about it. What am I supposed to do with that??

Oh gosh this is so similar to my father. Can you get a GP appointment for him for his persistent cough? If not, I know it’s super tricky right now, there are private GPs (it’s a bit of a con but they can refer you back to the nhs for more tests) and I’d accompany him to the appointment.

Meant to say near me the private GP apps are about £50 so it’s not extortionate if needs must x

It seems odd that he's been signed off for a couple of months if he's not being treated and there's no diagnosis. I'd push him on this tbh - what was put on the sick note?

@Billandben444

It seems odd that he's been signed off for a couple of months if he's not being treated and there's no diagnosis. I'd push him on this tbh - what was put on the sick note?

This. I have never known or heard of a doctor signing someone off work for sever months unless it was something very serious. And a persistent cough and a risk of passing out would not, (IMO), be considered serious enough for that. I reiterate my earlier suggestion OP and try and book a doctors appointment and attend it with him so you can determine exactly what he was signed off for.

Thanks again everyone - I've decided I'm going to invite him round this weekend and get to the bottom of what's going on. Doctor's note, appointments, next steps. So far I've just been calling and texting which haven't been helpful - we need to sit down and start from the beginning. If he doesn't want to I'll say I don't have to be involved once I know everything's being sorted.