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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Elderly parent question

7 replies

huhe · 11/08/2021 12:14

Hello. I would be very grateful if you could advise. Mother lives on her own and is in good health. She is in her early 70's, Gets out and about and has a good network of neighbours. I live a few hours away and rest of family live abroad and even further away than me. So she is really on her own. I try to visit once a week and I always call during the week. Long history of her being difficult and exhibiting more love to her friends and neighbours than to her kids and grandkids. Fast forward to more recently when you ring her she doesn't answer or she won't text or ring the next day to say she is ok or got your call. She makes no effort her side to visit - she is capable of driving to visit as exhibited by visiting friends even further away than me. I absolutely have no problem with her out and about (although she wouldn't tell you and gives you the impression she is inside all day) its great but what I find hard to accept is her lack of indifference with her family trying to keep an eye on her to make sure she is ok as we are all so far away. She has even told neighbours I don't visit, don't call etc and she is all on her own. How do I tell her once and for all, its not that difficult to respond to a call or text and let us know your ok. Oh that probably sounds so harsh. But I just want to know that I don't have to go driving 4 hours each way to see if she is ok because she doesn't answer her phone or acknowledge that her daughter may actually care she is ok. Hope all that makes sense? She is a classic narcissist too and that isn't helping and i know also I have to ignore a lot of her behaviour. But I do care that she is ok on her own. I have tryed everything to keep a positive relationship going, acknowledging she may be lonely, not want to be overpowered by me and my family etc etc but I just find her indifference so difficult lately. Maybe its my ownSmile Thank you!

OP posts:
phishy · 11/08/2021 12:20

Sounds like she enjoys the control.

What happens when you arrive to see her, is she home?

Maybe stop visiting and calling, so she can see what it will actually feel like if you abandon her?

MatildaTheCat · 11/08/2021 12:24

Visiting so frequently when you are so far away is madness. Continue to call weekly and send text messages but try to withdraw from feeling so responsible for her well-being. So what if she tells her neighbours a pack of lies? If they know her well they will take everything she says with a tablespoon of salt.

Artdecolover · 11/08/2021 12:32

Well, you are playing right into her hands, aren't you?
Just stop.
Be the daughter she tells everyone you are.

Notjustanymum · 11/08/2021 13:25

Oh Mum, I’ve taken on a new hobby/more hours at work, so I won’t be able to visit so often. I’ll make sure to call and text regularly - if you want me to, that is. When’s the most convenient time I should contact you?

Catflapkitkat · 11/08/2021 13:33

My mother was the same around that age she stopped calling and I was expected (never said but implied) to call. Then I would get the 'I thought something had happened, as I hadn't heard from you'. If I said you could have phoned me - she would say but I don't know when to call. Even if I gave her exact times to call she wouldn't have called. It was my duty as a child to call her. Even though she would happily make calls to friends/neighbours.
It is infuriating, I know OP. I moved to Europe and would visit her three times a year on my own, staying with her for a week at a time and then a long holiday in summer with the the kids. She would tell neighbours, she's (me) coming over to do some shopping, she comes to stock up - NO I AM COMING TO SEE YOU, I can shop where I live. It's like she has a vision of a dutiful daughter and no matter how hard I tried I would never fulfil it.

You sound like a good daughter, try to treat as one of her quirks rather than letting it fester. You know you call, you know you visit it doesn't matter what she is telling her friends, if that is what she believes to be happening when let her fester or.

Good luck OP

Mary46 · 11/08/2021 16:15

Think they like to be in control op. I do what I can. She does these silly mind games. Typical narcissist. Then starts she hears from nobody! Its draining. I only have set windows as I help with a school run.

huhe · 11/08/2021 17:15

Thank you everybody for your kind responses. I was feeling guilty that I even posted this. Some people do not understand the whole mother daughter thing when it isn't "perfect". I am at a stage in my life where I am finding it too hard to deal with her , tired, sad and also have so much going on in my own life with special needs child etc etc and I shouldn't be and I should have the courage to say - actually no this behaviour is not acceptable to me anymore and if you need me I am here but I am not going to continue driving crazy hours every week for you not to be there some days - even when you know I am coming - or for you not to have common manners to respond to a call or text. You know sometimes we make so many excuses for those close to us but if you took out the emotion you would really realise they have no value or respect or manners towards you and you wouldn't put up with that behaviour from another person. Thank you again and each of your posts were completely valid and especially Catflapkitkat SNAP! Take care!

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