Can I learn to be happy with very few friends?

[Shesmadonna]

I have 2 long-term friends that I’ve had for around 6 years, both great but one is only available once a month and the other is not a really close friend, a great guy who’s very sociable and out a lot but don’t hear that much off of him otherwise.

I have a wonderful partner who I do a lot with but I don’t want to depend on him socially. I’m shy and quiet and I feel like this is something that is stopping me from making more social connections.

I broke down the other day as I didn’t think I’d be 30 with hardly any friends. A lot of people ‘have their own lives’ as I’m constantly reminded, many with partners just have no interest in meeting up or staying in contact.

I’m on the bumble BFF app but no luck so far, get a lot of matches but for instance I was talking to a girl for a week, thought we got on really well but she’s just stopped replying which is a shame.

I lack confidence in my social skills and ability to make friends, I’ll never be a very outgoing, bubbly and charismatic individual and I feel like that’s what is desired in our society. My partner works in a pub and when I look at his colleagues, they seem a lot more highbrow, intellectual and sociable than me, their conversations involve a lot of sarcasm and irony and I really couldn’t see myself fitting into that sort of group.

I want to just be more confident and accept you don’t need many friends to be happy. I wouldn’t mind making one or two more though, I wish I knew better how to talk to people and create friendships.

Do you live in or near a big city? I joined meetup and there's loads of different things to take your fancy on there.

I found similar with bumble BFF until I changed my style on there. Being shy I would always wait for someone to make arrangements or arrange a meetup. I decided to take the lead and ask pretty soon on, you're there to make friends not text buddies.
Finally I got an Instagram account, there are no many communities on there you can find and engage with via the hash tags.
I followed everyone I recognised from my yoga class, commented on pics I found interesting and over time it became a conversation starter at the beginning of class, which in turn developed friendships.

It can be really hard to create new and meaningful connections as we get older so don't worry, lots more people feel the same than you imagine

I'm 30 and hardly socialise at all by choice. I have few close friends but a lot of friendly acquaintances. Are you a member of any hobby groups on fb? I find this a good way to make friends as you know you have a common interest. I've made lots of friends via vegan/animal rights groups and I'm also due to meet up with people from a local home education group as this is something I've been considering.

Do you feel lonely or is it just a case of you feel like you should have more friends? I think extroversion is seen as the ideal personality type but we aren't all like that. I know I spent years getting drunk to tolerate social situations but since having a baby in 2018 I've realised and accepted that I enjoy my own company. It's strange cause I come across as very chatty and outgoing and people seem to want to be my friend but really I have crippling social anxiety. Anyway sorry if I've rambled on about myself too much!

I do yeah, I’m on the meet-up it just seems like everything costs money, a lot of it where I am is pub meet-ups or hikes that I have to get train tickets for, and I’m struggling financially atm so it’s tough.
I don’t drink anyway but I feel daft going there and buying one coke whilst they’re buying several drinks.

That’s a good idea about bumble BFF, I’ll try to be more direct and ask people,
Thanks for your advice I’m sure a lot are in the same boat and I don’t realise it.

I’m on a WhatsApp group with women i went to high school with, I’ve tried so many times to suggest fun things to do or just keep conversation going but 90% of them won’t reply. However if someone else posts a lot more of them will, when it was their hen dos and weddings I was expected to reply promptly and shell out a fortune.

So I’ve stopped bothering, I feel like leaving the group would seem petty however.

No don’t worry I like to hear others’ stories :) I think it’s a bit of both for me, I do like my own company but I feel that I must be repulsive to others or something. I think I’m kind and friendly but I can go a whole week without speaking to any friend or anything.

I don’t want to rely on my partner as if he were to leave for example then I’d have nobody.

I don’t know how to make conversation besides the general small talk of asking people what they do for a living etc.

I’m in the same position as you. I have one close friend but she lives 5+ hours from me now. I’ve been on bumble BFF for about a year and 95% of people disappear for no apparent reason (why are they on a friend making app if they don’t want to make friends…?) and I’ve only managed to get one meet up out of it.

I’m almost 32 and live in a place where the average demographic is 50ish so not really what I’m looking for, and I can’t afford to join classes. It gets me down every day! So I don’t have any tips but you do have my sympathy and I hope someone has a solution I would love to be content with having no friends

I don’t know how to make conversation besides the general small talk of asking people what they do for a living etc.

Mostly I just blurt out inappropriate personal things

Are you on Facebook? Is there a FB group for your local area? I find people on these groups are often quite chatty, will suggest coffee meetups and so on, and it's easy to get conversation started talking about the neighborhood.

Otherwise I don't think you need to resign yourself to being shy, I say this as someone who is naturally shy but learned to break out of it when I was younger. There are loads of books and videos and even therapy to help. It's not about changing who you are (I'm still an introvert!) but just helping you relax more around people, so they can see more easily what a kind and friendly person you are :)

You need to meet people through shared interests. You don't make friends artificially through an app.

If you do something you enjoy, you start meeting people, and you will slowly and organically become friends with the ones that you click with.
It can be volunteering, hobby, sport. It will likely take months, people genuinely are busy and already have a life.

Someone trying too hard will likely push people away. Some groups are very artificial (work together for 2 or 3 weeks - say a Christmas event, and it's all about "Christmas event' family I love you guys for 2 months then it dies down ), but it keeps you busy while you are building proper relationship on the side.

Thanks for the support everyone. I did the Parkruns, I need to get back to one this Saturday and try and talk to people there. I’m so much more relaxed when with my partner compared to other people, I tend to think negatively in my head and assume that people don’t really like me or are two faced. Where I live there are a lot of ‘alternative’ type of people and I automatically find myself thinking that I wouldn’t fit in with them, they wouldn’t like me etc and again it’s just very negative thinking.

I lived in France and I found the French sense of humour and bluntness quite difficult to fit in with, I’d love to meet people who are also quiet and just down to earth, easygoing types really.

Ok so, I think you need to be really really honest with yourself.

Do you actually want more friends? Or do you feel you should have more friends?

I’m quite shy and quite, so I know how you feel, I found myself lonely at times. I’ve gone all out to make friends. It is hard work though and a commitment.

I think, that I’m not the funniest, most memorable, or entertaining, so I think in those situations you are often forgotten. To be included/remembered you, also almost have to be an organiser too.

With your high school group I think that ship sailed. But try to find a new group.

But I get it’s difficult.

What do you like doing in your spare time? Maybe you could find friends through that. Eg reading group, volunteer at community garden, board game conventions

I feel like you do.
I am in my forties,shy and hate big groups of people)and over the years friendships just seem to have dropped off,most for no apparent reason.
I have two long-term friends,one is from primary school but I last saw them a year ago and although I try to message and arrange meet ups there is always an excuse or they simply don't reply so I have made the decision to not bother anymore.
It never used to bother me as we always met up for birthdays and Christmas and sometimes in between and I was happy with that..I am very close to my partner and we do share a lot of similar interests so we literally spend all our time together(whi h like you I do worry isn't for the best)
During lockdown it became apparent that I really didn't have any friends...other people I knew(work colleagues ) would talk about meeting up for walks or drinks in the park etc and I had no one to do this with.
I see people I vaguely know on Facebook having nights out with friends etc and it saddens me.
Other couples meet up with couples and go on holidays/days out and again I don't have that.
My partner is very chatty and can talk to strangers easily but I hate that situation and tend to clam up.
I do feel this holds me back and I do try to be more chatty..it doesn't seem to get me anywhere and lately I have been feeling very unlikeable.
I think I should try to join in with groups or push myself forward and arrange play dates with my youngest friends and their mums..but it fills me with dread!
The mums all seem to be very friendly and even new mums can slot in easily and still I am left out and feel shit when they all talk together and barely bother with me.
So! I do not have a solution sorry but I do think their are lots of others in the same situation.

Aha that's the thing, all the usual friend acquiring activities won't go very far as long as you are thinking so negatively about yourself. Would you be willing to try some things to break out of this habit? Because it is a mental habit, it's not impossible to break it. CBT can be helpful.

As an alternative type of person myself, don't assume they won't like you. If anything I think a lot of us are less judgemental than normal.

Honestly, don't take the app ghosting to heart. Most people join apps because they like the idea of meeting people, but in reality, most people get stuck in the browsing phase. Because people get intimidated once it comes to actually meeting. They start to overthink whether they have the energy, time and money. When someone ghosts, it's a reflection of their lack of readiness, not a reflection of your worth as a person.

You don't need to be a certain way to make friends. Both of my best friends are major introverts, and they're the best people ever. Ironically, I'm a warm/chatty introvert - so what tends to happen is that extroverts attach to me quickly and constantly want to go out. This isn't as good as it sounds. It's very surfacey and shallow. But I can tell you that the key to being liked is super simple. Smile often, and take a genuine interest in the other person's life. This is how you make connections. From there, you maintain connections by allowing for reciprocity. Let them ask you questions. Take it in turns to reach out, make conversation, and so on. Neither hold fully back, nor push and pressure.

Forget how many friends you have. Focus on living a life YOU are happy with - in terms of who you are, what you do, how you spend your personal alone time. From there, you put yourself in a state of mind to make healthy connections. Try dealing with your financial issues first, if you can. Good things tend to come from that. You'll be less stressed, feel more confident, and therefore be happier. This happiness is what will allow you to make and maintain friendships, as long as you put yourself out there.

As for putting yourself out there, you're most likely to meet like-minded people doing things you love. Join online groups related to your hobbies. Join classes or meet-ups related to your hobbies. Don't bother with hiking or bar meetups if you don't enjoy either of those activities.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Focus your efforts on building your happiness and self-esteem through self-help or therapy, then friendships will form over time.

I was about 30 when I turned around and realised I'd been so busy building a career and a family that I didn't have any friends. So, I did something about it and 5 years later, when my LTR ended, I was so glad I had. Nowadays my friends are closer to me than any family or boyfriend.

It's a numbers game. I would advise:

1. Practise your small talk skills with strangers, neighbours, cashiers etc. Make eye contact, smile, pass the time of day etc.

2. Build up your social circles - Meet Up, book clubs, dining clubs, Facebook community groups, choirs, running groups whatever will bring you in to contact with the kind of people you're generally drawn towards.

3. From there you'll develop friendships - the people who you have contact with outside the original group.

Friends are massively over rated. There's a pressure to have a big social group and I used to feel like an absolute loser for only have a handful of close friends. That handful is now down to 1. I've made and lost a few new friends over the years. I find people just don't want to make the effort. I used to hang on to any scraps of friendship they'd throw my way until I realised no friends were better than shit ones. I used to believe that to have good friends you had to be a good friend but that's absolutely not true.

I'm happy now spending time with my DH and my dog. I live a far more peaceful and content life. I think once I've retired I'll try again to make some new connections but I'm enjoying having a break from that. Life feels far less complicated.

Hey! Don't cry. You sound similar to me. In my 30s and I don't have any friends. No close friends at all, I did used to have in the past but we drifted apart. I have a wonderful husband and family and I like my work colleagues but that's it. No baby (yet) as I am potentially infertile. I find it difficult as you do to make friends as an adult. Things that have worked in the past though included MeetUp (great app) and joining clubs like running clubs etc (can be cliquey but people are generally friendly). But you do have to push yourself to do it which is a really tough part. Good luck, you sound like a lovely person and I'm sure you'll find friends if you really want them x

I do think having too many friends is overrated! The more friends you have, the less of a good friend you can be to each of them.

What do you do in your spare time? I think if you focus on doing the things your enjoy - hobbies etc, then friends may naturally follow from there. If your hobbies are solitary persuits then perhaps think about starting a new activity where you’ll meet people. Most of the best friendships I’ve had come from shared interests. You’re much more likely to meet someone whilst doing that activity, rather than meeting random people on an app or even down the pub.

I’ve been feeling this way for years. I’m a similar age to you. I really really want friends. But then I can’t actually think of any regular time I would have to meet up with them! So I often feel lonely but it’s probably just because I don’t really have anyone at the other end of the phone. Between work and spending time with my family I’d really struggle to regularly see friends anyway.

@dreamingbohemian

Aha that's the thing, all the usual friend acquiring activities won't go very far as long as you are thinking so negatively about yourself. Would you be willing to try some things to break out of this habit? Because it is a mental habit, it's not impossible to break it. CBT can be helpful.

As an alternative type of person myself, don't assume they won't like you. If anything I think a lot of us are less judgemental than normal.

Exactly this. OP, it’s your own mindset that’s stopping you finding friends — if you approach new people with the fixed assumption that they won’t like you or are ‘two-faced’ or that you’re not alternative or interesting or French enough, then why would someone who doesn’t know you go to the trouble of tunnelling through all that negativity in order to get to know you? At least give them a chance by not throwing up all these barriers.