Will he change his mind?

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 11/08/2021 01:14

Jesus OP that must have been heartbreaking to hear.

Do you think it's the grief talking and he'll go back to wanting children? Or something that's been pent up for years?

AtrociousCircumstance · 11/08/2021 01:15

YANBU to leave while he’s grieving, he has told you he cannot give you what you need, and is going back on the future he promised you.

Leave, and build the life you want.

Original poster

alittlebitlost12 · 11/08/2021 01:16

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

Jesus OP that must have been heartbreaking to hear.

Do you think it's the grief talking and he'll go back to wanting children? Or something that's been pent up for years?

yup, heartbroken.

I guess i'm hoping it's grief doing strange things to his brain, but part of me doesn't want to kick myself in a year or two when i'm ready to start trying and this comes up again...

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FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 11/08/2021 01:18

Would he benefit from grief counselling? I did after my dad died, only a few sessions and it helped put all my strange mixed feelings I was suddenly feeling into perspective.

Original poster

alittlebitlost12 · 11/08/2021 01:22

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

Would he benefit from grief counselling? I did after my dad died, only a few sessions and it helped put all my strange mixed feelings I was suddenly feeling into perspective.

I have suggested he speak to someone, said I think it might clear his head a little.

He's asked to 'shelf' the conversation for another time, it's just a difficult one for me to 'shelf' and I don't want to kick myself later down the line, especially knowing it's a 'no'.

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Aquamarine1029 · 11/08/2021 01:24

I would be wishing him well as I'm walking out the door.

vincettenoir · 11/08/2021 01:27

This sounds like an incredibly difficult situation for you. I think it would be a good idea to try to find out more about why he has changed his mind. This may take time as he might not even know himself. I would give it a bit of time although I totally appreciate that you don’t want to end up spending many years with someone who wants a different future than you.

Original poster

alittlebitlost12 · 11/08/2021 01:36

@alittlebitlost12

NC. Me (30) and DO (36) have been together for 3 years, DP has three children from a previous relationship, he's a great dad. We've been together for 3 years, bought a house and have spent the last year renovating. Having a child has always been a topic of conversation, we've spoken baby names, schools, baby room when renovating etc. Tonight he's said to me he doesn't want anymore children and would only be doing so as not to lose me. He lost his dad four months ago and has been grieving a lot, he's been a different person these last four months. he seems pretty adamant, said he's spoken to friends and they all think he'd be doing it for the wrong reasons (which i agree with if it's really how he feels).

What do I do? AIBU to Leave while he's grieving? AIBU to stay hoping he'll change his mind back again??

typo... this meant to say DP at the start

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Catflapkitkat · 11/08/2021 03:05

So sorry OP. What a horrible blow that must be for you. I know he's lost his Father but it's pretty shit to be discussing this with friends before you, especially as you had planned a future with your own children.

If children are a deal breaker, then you should start planning an exit, sooner rather than later. If he is adamant, don't sit around and wait for him to change his mind - happened to a lovely cousin of mine. He never changed his mind, she stayed with him but it ate away at her.

PopcornMuncher · 11/08/2021 04:15

If having DC is important to you and it sounds like it is, YANBU to leave. You can't deny yourself the chance to have DC because you feel sorry for him. At 30 you have time on your side but not enough time to sit around for 2 years waiting for another discussion.

NoMoreCovidPlease · 11/08/2021 04:23

Leave. I had a divorce at 30...met a wonderful man within 6 months....you just have to have the courage to take things into your own hands. He won't change, he already has 3 children. I would not want a 4th child either, it would be madness. You are just incompatible, as heartbreaking as that is.

timeisnotaline · 11/08/2021 04:27

If children are a deal breaker you should leave. Luckily you’re 30. I suppose I would say I can’t really shelve this, youve kicked the foundations out from under me. Suggest again he talk it through with a counsellor, and say you are going to also, as you are considering this is the end for you and want to be sure. It would be good if he could put the same effort into wanting to be sure.

Don’t feel bad for bringing this up again or for leaving while he’s grieving.

Rangoon · 11/08/2021 04:38

When we were discussing marriage my then partner said he didn't really want children. I told him that was a deal breaker for me. He said he would rather have me and children than no me. We have two children and my husband has been a good dad.

Your dp has been carrying on for years about having children and now suddenly changes his mind. He talked to his friends first too.

I wouldn't be worrying about his grief. He's not worried about you missing out on having children when he already has his. I would seek legal advice and start the process of selling the house as quickly as possible. You have time but you shouldn't waste any more time on this future faker who three years in decided to back out of the deal.

Original poster

alittlebitlost12 · 11/08/2021 10:06

He's said this morning that it isn't a No, he just wants to 'shelf' the conversation until next year when his head will hopefully be in a better place.

He said his heads all over the place at the moment and I've said multiple times he needs to speak to someone about this, even before yesterday's conversation.

I've spent the morning researching what sort of mortgage I could get on my own, what sort of house etc just so I feel more mentally prepared and in control if/when the inevitable happens I suppose.

I know if a friend were saying this all to me, I'd be telling her to leave.

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BastardMonkfish · 11/08/2021 10:11

I wouldn't just be thinking of leaving because he doesn't want children now. He clearly needs mental health support and he's choosing not to get it knowing that it's impacting on you and your life too. It's been 4 months - how long is he planning to let this go on for? You deserve better OP.

Morechocolatethanbarbara · 11/08/2021 10:13

From my experience, grief actually gives you a lot of clarity in what you do/don't want from life.

Suddenly time is too precious to waste on things you don't really want.

I'd think that he was being honest with you about not wanting kids and I think you're doing the right thing by making other plans because you do.

Good luck.

Thymeout · 11/08/2021 10:50

I doubt if the vast majority of older men who already have dcs from a previous relationship would actively seek to have another child. They agree to have one because it's unfair to deprive their new dp of motherhood. It doesn't mean that they won't love the new baby or be a good dad.

Obviously there's a spectrum. For some, it's a deal-breaker and hopefully they will make that clear from the outset and not string their partner along with vague promises for some date in the future which never happens.

Sometimes they genuinely change their minds. Op's dp hasn't said No. His head is all over the place. He's asked to shelve the discussion. I'd take him up on it, but with a deadline and on condition that he gets help with his bereavement. Say 3 months? Negotiable.

Neither of you should be making lifetime decisions at this time.

Dontbeme · 11/08/2021 11:13

So he had this revelation after you bought a house together and are financially tied to him. He also wants to "shelf" the conversation for a year, so either hoping you will stop going on about it or just run down your biological clock. I think he's future faked you and is now using his dad's death as an excuse to hide behind. I would be getting ready to move in to find someone who wants what you do OP.

Original poster

alittlebitlost12 · 11/08/2021 11:33

@Thymeout

I doubt if the vast majority of older men who already have dcs from a previous relationship would actively seek to have another child. They agree to have one because it's unfair to deprive their new dp of motherhood. It doesn't mean that they won't love the new baby or be a good dad.

Obviously there's a spectrum. For some, it's a deal-breaker and hopefully they will make that clear from the outset and not string their partner along with vague promises for some date in the future which never happens.

Sometimes they genuinely change their minds. Op's dp hasn't said No. His head is all over the place. He's asked to shelve the discussion. I'd take him up on it, but with a deadline and on condition that he gets help with his bereavement. Say 3 months? Negotiable.

Neither of you should be making lifetime decisions at this time.

exactly this, I agree with everything you've said.

I agree it's a bad time to be making life long decisions, his father isn't the first person he's lost close to him, he also lost his brother last year and I think he currently has a feeling of distance towards family that I can't comprehend.

I've got a date in my head for early next year when I'll revisit the conversation, it also give me some time to get my ducks in a row should the outcome be the same. And i've asked him to get some therapy.

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IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 11/08/2021 11:49

Depends on if you want him or a baby. If a baby then let him go so he can find someone whom for he alone is good enough.

Eralos · 11/08/2021 11:55

@alittlebitlost12 what a horrible situation to be in. But also you do have time on your side, you’re only 30. You still have 10 years really, so try not to panic too much about time running out. You’re right to be prepared and you know what you want! Good luck I hope it works out for you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/08/2021 11:57

Give it a month and have one final conversation then leave if it’s a no or a maybe. A maybe is a brush off.

Don’t discuss it for a month but agree a date to talk about it in September. Use the time until then to make your plans to leave him. It’s easier as you’re not married.

How long would you have to stay with him after his bereavement for it to be socially acceptable? I left my ex a few months after his dad died. I’d been planning it for a while as he was becoming horrendous and I couldn’t let the death keep my life in a shit storm indefinitely. He made some choice comments about it but thankfully I couldn’t give a toss how unreasonable he thought I was after what I’d been putting up with. Grief is complicated but it’s no excuse for being an arsehole like my ex (he was already like that), or for pulling the rug from under you like yours is doing.

Be your own priority. Having children is important to you, it was for me and is for billions of people.

To suggest you spend the rest of your life as a step mum to his kids while not getting your own to be mum to is incredibly unreasonable.

Ponoka7 · 11/08/2021 12:08

"But also you do have time on your side, you’re only 30. You still have 10 years really, "

You can get fertility tested, because you might only have a few years. Not all women can have healthy, live births after 35, without help.
Are you sure that he didn't tell you what you wanted to hear to get set up in a house etc? Don't wait passed early next year to give him time to change his mind. It might not be grief, he might be thinking of himself as a man with less ties and responsibilities and doesn't want that to change.