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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

13 year old DS, wrong crowd, possible knives - aibu?

20 replies

Beckieloo · 10/08/2021 22:57

DS turned 13 last month. He’s always been a nice kid, very bright and generally well behaved.
He’s at a very good school but took a while to settle friendship-wise. Last year found his feet with a group of boys who like to hang out in town a lot. Fine.

He then started mentioning other boys who goes to a different school. One of these boys was in with a bad crowd and got beaten up by other boys in balaclavas who are ‘known’ to carry knives. DS said he’d met one of these other boys once and does see him in town.

It turns out the places he’s being hanging out in town are problem areas for that kind of thing, DS seems to think it’s cool. He’s also said he was staying at friends houses and actually been in town until 9pm which I wouldn’t have agreed to.

We live in a ‘naice’ city but apparently knife crime among teens is a growing problem which is scary.

DH thinks he shouldn’t be allowed into town or to sleepovers until we can work out what to do. DS is very put out, he just wants to be with his friends. I really don’t know what to do. Would I be unreasonable to ground him until we can reach some kind of plan?

OP posts:

StoneofDestiny · 10/08/2021 22:59

It's not about grounding him, it's about keeping him safe. I'd keep him at home.

Original poster

Beckieloo · 10/08/2021 23:03

Yes agreed, not so much grounding as just not letting him out until we figure out what to do.

OP posts:

JaffavsCookie · 10/08/2021 23:05

Aargh, if knives are involved I would definitely be keeping him at home, regardless of how grumpy it makes DS

stripedbananas · 10/08/2021 23:05

To put your mind at rest knife crime is generally revenge drug related which I'm sure your DS is not involved in selling or being a part of

plodalong12 · 10/08/2021 23:08

Grounding him for what? Going by what you wrote, he hasn’t done anything to be grounded for.

And Who cares if you live in a “naice” city?? Knife crime is a very growing and very real problem, it doesn’t mean just because you don’t live in London or Manchester or Birmingham that it won’t happen where you are.

Also, being in town at 9pm at 13 years old isn’t that shocking or distressful, IMO.

ChequerBoard · 10/08/2021 23:09

Actually, if this crowd are known knife carriers I'd also be very worried that they are also either already into or will very soon be into all sorts of drugs. The two things go together.

Keep him home, keep him safe.

ThisIsNotARealAvo · 10/08/2021 23:10

It's very difficult. I'm in a similar situation with my DS who is 13 and I have posted about him being missing before. He has also been excluded from school for taking a knife in. It's not as simple as keeping them at home because they will go out if they want to. You literally cannot keep them locked inside. I am hoping that knives have lost their appeal for DS a bit now, as he has been referred to so many different teams who all want to talk to him about knives and he has not been allowed to forget what he did. He thinks it doesn't matter because it's all in the past but of course it's following him around. He is now being a bit more reasonable about when he comes home and we have managed to put some boundaries in place now. However what has worked for me is kind of having the attitude that as parents we can only do so much. We have provided DS with a safe and loving home, food, clothes, money he can spend, etc. We cannot make him obey the law or follow rules if he doesn't want to.

Before anyone suggests that we should take his phone or turn off the WiFi, what I have found is that if you do something like that they raise the stakes and you have nowhere to go.

At the moment when DS wants to do something wrong I tell him he has to make his own choices and I can't stop him from running away, carrying a knife etc. This has worked for him.

My situation may be different from yours as my kids are adopted and DS was 7 when he was placed with us, so we are also dealing with huge amount of trauma. Please do PM me if you'd like to chat.

Saidtoomuch · 10/08/2021 23:10

Trust your instincts with his friends.
Agree that knives and drugs seem to go hand in hand, they certainly do in our town.
Its been a difficult 19 months for kids this age. They’ve missed and important chunk between child and teen. Can you get him involved with something like Scouts, Cadets, a martial arts club etc, get him involved with a nicer set of boys?

ablutiions · 10/08/2021 23:12

Talk to him, and listen to him. Explain your concerns honestly and clearly. That you're not out to ruin his fun, just to make sure he's safe. Explain why you think he potentially isn't safe. Listen to how he responds and ask,him what he thinks, you can hopefully come to an agreement that works for you both without too much emotion or shouting and ultimatums.

I found with mine when they were teenagers the most effective way to,deal with the really tricky dilemma stuff is to talk it through with them. I even did it once when we found a tin of weed in DC14 bedroom. We agreed together what the sanctions should be. Sounds a bit mad and wishy-washy but it does work and it keeps communication going .

FAQs · 10/08/2021 23:17

So he has been lying to you where he has been, hanging around town at 12/13 years old into the evening and is hanging around where knives (and drugs) are known to be part of this group of people - of course you are not being unreasonable.

Nannyamc · 10/08/2021 23:17

My ds is also adopted and has used it to explain a lot of these incidents. We put our foot down grounded him and avoided these mates. It will only end in tears if you dont stop it now.

Eatenpig · 10/08/2021 23:23

@ThisIsNotARealAvo

Before anyone suggests that we should take his phone or turn off the WiFi, what I have found is that if you do something like that they raise the stakes and you have nowhere to go.

At the moment when DS wants to do something wrong I tell him he has to make his own choices and I can't stop him from running away, carrying a knife etc. This has worked for him.

My situation may be different from yours as my kids are adopted and DS was 7 when he was placed with us, so we are also dealing with huge amount of trauma. Please do PM me if you'd like to chat.

Good advice. My friend has a 13 year old adopted son and pushing boundaries sadly doesn't come close. They have so much going on in their heads on too of normal teen issues. I'm quite in favour of very blunt talking with mine and their decisions

Aquamarine1029 · 10/08/2021 23:24

I think you've been granting him far too much freedom for his age. He just turned 13, fgs. He is extremely vulnerable to making very poor decisions.

Eatenpig · 10/08/2021 23:29

He's just turned 13 so young for his year group. So he's going into Yr9?
Many of his peers will be almost 14 and that's an age of transition.
Hard to say if going into town is too much freedom as so so depends on city and area etc
Is he trying to fit in / stay in with cool crowd etc?
Can you find him other stuff to do?

Eatenpig · 10/08/2021 23:34

In our area Yr8 and defo Yr9s are very independent.
Do their own thing. Get themselves to places. Go to town, Hang out together. Use own money to buy stuff etc etc.
I'd say be pleased you are aware of the issues !

IveNameChangedAgain2020 · 10/08/2021 23:49

Sorry but no way should a 13 yo be out at 9pm at night, but now that's been happening you can't set more restrictive guidelines because he'll kick off.

I agree with PP. explain to him that you and his dad can't save him from situations he gets into as at 13 he can be tried as an adult.

Spend more time with him, talk openly and transparently about your concerns but he clear these are now his decisions to make. Build your relationship up in other ways (go out together, have fun, find ways to show you respect him) so he trusts your experience and judgement.

Getting involved in knife crime and drugs is every mother's nightmare.

Original poster

Beckieloo · 11/08/2021 07:49

Thanks for all your replies. It’s such a minefield with teens as I don’t want to make it worse. I was an awful teen, utter terror so you’d think I’d know how to deal with this…

Maybe I should not allow him into town, only to friend’s houses who I know and tell him I’ll know where he is via find my iPhone? He’s generally quite amenable.

His dad left around 6 years ago and has always been a bit of a twat, trying to impress DS with all the things he got up to at that age etc. On the other end of the spectrum is my DH who is pretty strict so wanted to get some perspective.

OP posts:

Camomila · 11/08/2021 07:58

Also, being in town at 9pm at 13 years old isn’t that shocking or distressful, IMO.

My DC are younger, but friends with older DC none are allowed to just "hang out" at 9pm - they can hang out in town in the daytime, and evenings are for pre-organised things or sports clubs.

Original poster

Beckieloo · 11/08/2021 08:00

Agree, I’m not happy with him hanging out at 9pm in town, in a few years time perhaps but not at 13 years old

OP posts:

ablutiions · 11/08/2021 10:01

Oh, and get him to watch the Panorama on County lines. It's scary stuff and all kids from secondary (maybe earlier 😢) need to know how it 'works' and how to spot the signs that they are being groomed.

Also think about a self defence sport like judo or kick boxing to help raise his self esteem and confidence so he can handle himself in tricky situations should they arise.

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